After mulling this over thoroughly, I have drawn the conclusion that, if this belongs anywhere, it belongs in the "Help With Life" section. A description of myself. Heartfelt, forthright, and to the point. Wait, no... not to the point, sorry. You wanted me genuine, and writing down my thoughts is as genuine as it gets. Unfortunately, I have difficulty thought processing, so this will probably end up variegated. I do like that word. VARIEGATED. Impromptu and whatnot. This is me, writing down my thoughts without editing. Or, with little editing. Candid. Frank. REAL. Tangible. Wait, no, back on track... I will not say who, but someone who I will term "asshat" dared me t... Dared me to do this. Let's just get this over with already... Well, aren't you a little ****er. You KNEW that I had difficulty describing myself, me being dissociated, detached. You knew. How ever am I supposed to begin this? I must admit, you are clever. Sly. How am I supposed to begin this? This is nothing more than the prologue, I have not even begun. Instead of doing what you requested, I will defy you and write down my current thoughts on this... I must admit that I fear you thinking of this as ingenuine, insincere. I hope that no one thinks that. You told me to write clearly and coherently, but I am afraid that I am not going to do that. Or, no... the prologue will be incoherent, but I promise to put in an effort at coherency while actually describing my personality. I really should get to it, I have not even started. Jesus Christ, if the introduction to this thread ends up being longer than the actual thing, I am going to tear out my spleen and devour it. Why am I wasting time with this? Alright, alright. Start. ----- Before I get started, something worth noting in case you missed it; rather obvious, but I find it arduous, difficult describing myself. While nearing psychosis, I wrote a post on identity on here that some of you may have seen. Identity is watery. We fluctuate so much, I do not understand the question. I find it hard to differentiate, to set boundaries. Articulation, man, I suck at that. I need to learn to express myself properly, but words are limiting. Who am I? Well... (really starting now, I bullshitted before, but the prologue will end here.) Had any of you spent a good amount of time near me, getting to know me, you may have realized that I am self-conscious. Seemingly indifferent to most, many have commented on how I tend to act like I don't care about others. Far from the truth, that. Deep down, I believe that I do care. I mask it, I am unaware of it, but it does surface whilst feeling particularly human. Caring, it's there. Emotions, they're there. Lacking, but that does not mean that there is an absence of them; I think that I subconsciously hide them. Out of sight, out of mind. I would like to think of myself as very human. I am not in tune with myself, which only shows just how human I am. If I am incorrect, please do not correct me. This is what I would like to believe, don't go and ruin it. "Your sensor is broken," as Sforzaro put it. Offline, I feel that I lack a self. I cannot connect with myself, so naturally, I cannot connect with others. Sounds plausible, in theory. Online, I am a bit of an attention whore. My writing is replete with "exaggerations and exclamations," as said by Chevalier. Though he meant it to be derogatory, I had actually been flattered. How catchy, how rhythmic; exaggerations and exclamations! But, back to point. Please pardon me there, for I am not an entirely reliable conductor. Before we get into how I act online, let's further that description of myself offline. That was most certainly not satisfactory. Offline, I am dismissive. Empty and seemingly barren, devoid of stimulus. Submissive, probably because I do not feel "there". Depersonalized, that would be a good word for it. Just going through the motions. I do not feel like a person, and I do not like myself offline. That's all you need to know, that I am more of a marionette offline. I do not consider that to be my personality, no, that is just degrading. I'm a human too. That's deceiving, that's not me. I can just keep writing and writing, but I do not think that it will ever be enough to wholly describe myself... I feel much more myself online. Still submissive, but with a hint of assertiveness. I have been accused of being overly critical, but those that accuse me of such probably do not know me well enough. I am offended by anyone who accuses me of being rude. No, that's rude. I constantly feel as if I am not liked on here, though I suppose if I am as critical as they claim me to be, then I can see why. Alright, already I am tired of writing. I'm so sorry. In a futile attempt to compensate, I will give you a glimpse into a conversation I had with someone. Here, I briefly skim my codependent nature. Not going to show the whole conversation, no, sorry. I apologize, for this feels incomplete. Half-finished. I will go on in future posts, if you so desire it... Also, insight on me from a member on another forum who shall remain anonymous. My self-esteem wavers constantly, I go from thinking of myself as superior, to thinking of myself as inferior. Self-deprecating, yes, that. I initiate conversations by leaving it vague, mythificating myself. He is spot on... In addition to all that has been said, my feelings are ambiguous. I have difficulty distinguishing between friendship and romance. The depth of love, and all that jazz. It's more than just that, but I experience troubles with that one the most. Will elaborate, if anyone wants me to... I'm done. I do not feel any regret yet, no shame for typing this. It may hit me later, if someone actually replies to this massive wall of text. As I see it: I live in the present, not the future. Screw disgrace, I am going to post this before I can give consent. I spent at least a good hour typing this up, and I will not let it go to waste. Please tell me, you monsters: are you satisfied?
From what I see, you don't really care about those who you don't know. But this is normal. Most people don't really care about others until they get close. There's nothing unusual about this. You just tend to dismiss the formalities of pretending to care about others before you get to know them. It's nothing inherently different; you ignore some social graces. You still develop connections to others normally, as any other person would. 'I am unaware of it' should be a statement you are unable to make. It self-contradicts. Emotions are there for most people to varying degrees, and some people let their emotions affect them more than others. You seem to do less of both. So your emotions exist, but aren't as strong as others', and you don't let them show, making you appear to be an emotionless loli. So I wouldn't go so far as to say you're broken though. (Yes, I know you didn't want others to go and ruin it. Sue me.) But you connect to people online. Therefore this idea is at least somewhat flawed in its reasoning. You dodged the issue of Chev's comment by playing word games with it, hoping the reader would overlook it. Why are you flattered? Simply because it sounds nice? Most people have a different personality online and offline. If you spend more time developing your online persona, instead of your offline, then your online persona will naturally be more 'you' than your offline. If you put such care into your offline, then no doubt you'd feel more at home there, as opposed to online. Instead, there's a pull that makes online preferable to offline to you, meaning you choose to develop online over offline. Probably because you find more mature discussion online than offline, for one. Another is that you probably shy away from interaction more than usual naturally, and the computer allows for a comfortable degree of separation. You have a polarising nature. People either like you, or they don't. It doesn't help that you are fairly new here. When I saw your first post, I promptly reported it for shit-stirring, if that makes you feel any better. Your nature isn't all bad though. It means you tend to get known quicker than if you acted like everyone else. As such, even though you've been here a short amount of time, you've gathered quite a few acquaintances/friends. You're either a masochist, or making promises you have no intention of keeping. The previously mentioned 'Asshat' will almost certainly jump at a free card to make you do more. From what I gather, most people do this. The less you define of yourself, the less others know of your true nature, meaning they're unable to hurt you. It's a defence mechanism, from what I can tell. It's the same with self-depreciation. If you point out your own flaws, then that means others are unable to, so they can't use them to hurt you. The self-esteem thing is probably also normal. After all, you're young and still evaluating the world. You'll see a lot of people less gifted than you are (such as at school), but then you end up seeing people better than you, and you're forced to rethink your views. Romance is a topic most people tend to be rather poor at, at least when they first start. After all, very few romances actually succeed. So failing at romance is nothing unusual. Less than one romance in a lifetime can be said to actually be a 'success'. Even so, distinguishing between friendship and romance can be a pain. Personally, I think it's a defence mechanism, like many other things. You can only be romantically hurt or rejected if you acknowledge romantic feelings. If you disguise or merge them with those of friendship, then at no point do you commit to something, so you don't end up pining after someone who doesn't reciprocate. The downside is the confusion surrounding friendships/romances, and the apparent lack of romantic feelings. The easiest solution to this one, I found, is to make a conscious effort to choose. After all, if the emotions are muddled, then it's easy enough to push them in one direction or another. Has it? Before you can give consent? I am. Can't speak for others though. Final thoughts: I identify with everything you've said, implying that either I'm equally as odd, or it's all normal to varying degrees. I'd prefer to consider the latter, before defining both of us as identical outcasts.
[Do you take mental logs of when people say these things? xD] ...I can't recall if I did, but I regret it.~ 8'D Considering that in that prologue you seemed slightly...afraid, should I say, of people' reactions, this is sincere and genuine. None of us truly know how to articulate for ourselves. Why else do you think we'd be on the Internet of all places? Certainly not for shits and giggles. Also, no one truly knows who they are. Hate to be cliche here, but that is a question as old as time. Identity is like a puzzle; it's up to us to try out a piece. If it doesn't fit, you move on to the next one and continue the process until you find something that does fit. As for being self conscience, aren't we all? Even in the people in your life who seem absolutely free and uncaring of other people's opinions, there exists worry in the back of their mind. Do I look good? Do other people like me? What if I change and my friends don't like me anymore? And it's perfectly fine that you're not in tune with yourself. As I said above, it's a process. Sometimes that progress may be infinite, other times it can be easy. No one truly knows. Online offers you a sort of sense of protection. You can be whoever you want. Literally. If you leave this forum for a year, come back and start saying you are some kind of llama fanatic, people may believe it's true. However, offline, you don't have this protection. What people see you do determines their impression of you. Hate to say it, but it's true. What I recommend here is that you try to bring LARiA together with Lili. When you're at school, even if it's just once, try to channel your online personality. If you don't want to, that's perfectly all right. You're not overcritical and you're not rude. Some members may get that sort of vibe from you, but that's because you haven't fully displayed the true you in front of them or you just aren't close to them. Now, I don't want to claim being a "close friend" of yours in case you don't return the sentiment, but yeah. Not sure what to say about the self esteem part. In what instances do you find yourself superior? In which do you find yourself inferior? Plz do, first of all. And second, I'm going to attempt to define romance. :x Think of romance as a a favorite food of yours. Other people can taste it, they may not like it, but it's something you adore. It's something that if you could, you would have everyday and every night. It's something that can raise you and something that can lower you. Just take some time away if you can, and think: who makes me feel special? What do I think of this person? What do they make me feel? Very. And I hope you do end up replying to this, LARiA. I can't attest as to what your opinion of me may be, but I see you as a friend, and I am sure others on here do too.
That's the only thing I read in here, and it's not true. Unless you're a person who just doesn't like people. I care about my family, friends, relatives, teammates, classmates, etc. I don't have to be close to them to care about them.
What is caring? That is the question here. It goes a bit deeper than you seem to think. I see what P is saying here, and I agree with him. Many times I will not "care" about people that I know very well. Lili and I are alike in this. I differ in that I at least pretend to care, because I wish that I did. The point is that you don't have to care about anyone at all if you see it all as meaningless or absurd, which we both do at times. Well done, Lili. I am satisfied. But since you offered... Please elaborate on the last thing that you offered, if you will.
Hah. Called it. On that topic though, you're not completely amoral. At no point did the thought cross your mind, "Must attempt to keep friend in despair." So you'd rather let someone go (or cut them loose) than try to keep them. Is this out of caring, or because the risk of failing is too high?
You remind me of me before I was me. The past of me is me and I remember that time quite clearly when I read what youe post. The inconsitent and constantly drifting thought patterns, complex word choice, the need for emotion but the lack of, myabe a flicker of it appears but not long enogh to sustain that want of it. It was a dark time for me, but ultimately a part of me that I grasped and accepted about who I am. If the intention was to tell others about who you are at the core from what you say about yourself , the words you use and such, then I think you've scratched the surface. It was finite, but sufficient for the time being. To elaborate on more points would help gauge the situation better, but by the sounds of it you dislike expressing yourself in such a way. The vulnerability of it is fearful. But I can understand that well.
