SLIGHT SHONEN-AI WARNING. "Ash! You can't do this!" Shannon shouted, chasing after her brother. Her blond hair trailed behind her. "This is not your problem!" Ashton roared, causing Shannon to hesitate for a moment. "You'll never be happy this way anyway!" Shannon would do anything to stop him now. "I am happy. You don't get to decide that anyway! End of story!" Ashton left the room and headed for the door. He didn't have to listen to her anyway. He raced out the door, knowing he was running late. He couldn't believe how long he was fighting with her. It's been two month since this started, and she hasn't let up one bit. If anything she's gotten worse. He sighed, rounding the corner. His feet fell heavy on the sidewalk as he ran. The cool air rushed at his face hitting him like blades cutting his skin. He never slowed down though. RING…..RING RING RING……RING! He slowed to a walk, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He looked at the caller ID, seeing Mitsu's name. "Hey. I'm on my way now." He answered. "Oh, alright. Don't worry about that though." Mitsu started. "I'm just really worried about the whole Shannon thing." His muffled voice came through the speaker. "Don't be. She'll have to stop at some point. "But I just feel so bad. I hate having a friend mad at me." "It's not your fault she can't accept it." "I still feel bad about that other thing though." "You mean when you punched her in the face?" "Yes that." "I'll admit that was a bit extreme." Ashton started to pick up his pace again as he rounded another corner. "Well, I'm almost there, see you in a few." "Bye." Mitsu hung up the phone first. Ashton found his destination. The windows near the kitchen were open, letting the smell of beef stew drift out into the wind. He smiled having a good feeling about how the rest of the day would go. "Hey, I'm here." Ashton knocked on the door. "Come in." Mitsu called from the kitchen. "Get into another fight with her?" "Yeah, the usual." The warm air rushed at Ashton as he opened the door. "It's getting worse, huh?" Mitsu sipped up some of the stew. "Hm. Taste this." "We gotta do something about this." He took the spoon, taking a taste. "A little too thick, I think." "What can we do?" Mitsu reached for the extra broth, knocking over some glasses. "Ah! Really?" He sighed. "What is wrong with you?" Ashton laughed sarcastically. "I got that." He picked up the sharp glass, being careful not to cut himself. They stayed silent. "Hey Ash?" Mitsu started. "Yeah? What is it?" He dumped the glass into the garbage. "Was I so wrong?" Mitsu let the pot boil over as he looked over his shoulder. Ashton stared back at him. "I uh…" He didn't know how to respond. He'd never seen Mitsu so worried and upset. "I, I don't really think that's up to me." He walked over to him. "I feel like I've done something very wrong, but still I wouldn't want to change any of what I did." Mitsu shook his head and turned off the stove. "If there's anything I can do…" Ashton grabbed Mitsu's hand as it pulled away from the knob. He was shaking slightly. "I'll always be here." He held his hand tighter. It was quiet again. Mitsu couldn't bring himself to look up at Ashton's face. Tears started to blur his vision. They spilled from his eyes uncontrollably. He felt the warmth around his hand leave. As he brought his arm back, he felt Ashton's arms wrap around him. He began to sob into his shoulder. He couldn't stop. "I'm sorry." Mitsu was able to say between sobs. He repeated it again and again. "You have nothing to apologize for." Ashton rested his chin on top of Mitsu's head. "Everything's alright." He whispered, holding him tighter. Nothing else had to be said. They stood there for a while, just letting everything happen. They didn't care, as long as they were together. Feedback needed! written for my creative writing class.
From the first sentence I thought this was going to be a Pokemon fic. Ahurr. Is this supposed to be a thought, or an accidental tense change? If it's his thoughts, you should italicize it or something. There are a few other things in here, simple mistakes that you should be able to catch if you just proofread it a bit more (For instance, it should be months). If you want me to point out everything I caught, I'd be glad to. Otherwise, this is a pretty good story, short but sweet. There were a few descriptions that I really liked. So try to add more! Break up the big chunks of dialogue with a few descriptions of the surroundings or what the characters are doing. Let your readers picture your story the way you do. I also like it that it isn't explicitly said what happened, but I can basically understand. Are you considering writing more chapters?
thanx for all the feedback. I do make a lot of mistakes I guess XD the only reason that I have huge chunks of dialogue is because it was originally written for an assignment about dialogue :/
