Am I okay?

I've gone back into Hell, I think. I feel like everything around me is in constant darkness and that there is no light anywhere in this world. I've slipped so far behind in college because I mentally and emotionally can't handle the work. I make sure I always answer everyone with "I'm fine."
I don't want to talk to anybody because I'm scared they'll tell someone else behind my back.
I've started self-harming again, but I cover it up with a wristband so nobody can see the scars.
I hate adults, I hate my life, I hate myself.
I hate not being thin or pretty and the fact that I'm making myself physically ill.
The weird part is, this guy in my college has seen me in a state of depression almost like this and helped me out of it, since then he has always asked me how I am, every time he sees me. Right now, I'm lying to him by telling him that I'm fine, when I'm not. I just don't want somebody else to waste their time on me because I hurt everyone who gets too close to me. I've hurt my best friends and I've hurt my family.
I just want to be the girl who I see in my dreams, the thin, funny, pretty, happy girl. Not the fat, tired, ugly, crying girl I see in the mirror everyday.
I'm worried about my sanity, am I okay?

 

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through! You shouldn't harm yourself and you shouldn't close yourself from the outside world. When you do that, things just get worse. Don't be afraid to 'hurt' someone because you probably won't hurt them, it's just you being insecure about all this. You're normal, don't be afraid about that but you should talk about your problems with someone. I think the guy you mentioned is the perfect person for that. Imo he already thinks something's wrong, hence why he asks you how're you're doing when he sees ya.

Also, don't think you're ugly. Many people say from theirselves that they're ugly while actually they're not. The weight problem is something you can work on so no worries there. What you first have to do imo is talk with somebody, explain the situation and then decide how you will approach this situation to solve it. The other things will follow after that.

I hope I could help a little bit n.n

 

I'm sorry to hear this. I know exactly how you feel when you don't want to be a burden to others but let me tell you this, if someone says they'll be there for you, they WILL be there. The reason I believe this is because the people who care about you won't want to see you hurt, they may also understand what you're going through and refuse to let you live through the pain. I wouldn't worry about hurting those around you, it's most likely a pointless thing to worry about, yes it's bad but what I'm trying to say is we can't live our lives without hurting people, I know, I try to live my life that way. You may be thinking but it happens ALL the time, but you're probably just worrying about it, when we worry we emphasise the bad things, we go over everything and analyse it to pieces because we care about others, no one in there right mind what's to hurt someone else so we tend to make sure we don't. When we do this we will pick up the tiniest aspects of what we've said or done and emphasise it greatly to make it seem horrible. For example, just say you were talking with a friend and they were having trouble with thinking of ideas for an art project plus you know how sensitive they are about failing and you said "Art isn't that important any way." They may not take it as anything that bad but you might see it as something horrible just because you're incredibly sensitive to their feelings. I know not the best example, I apologise.

As for the self harming, it is making things worse, I believe the reason you're doing it is because you either want to take control of your life and you feel this is the best way or more likely you feel you deserve no more. This may be the wrong assumption to make and if so then ignore it but the point is you really shouldn't do it, for whatever reason, it's not doing you any good. I know it's easier said then done but next time you go to do it just really think about it, remember what people in this thread have said, remember all the nice things people have said to you, done for you, and what you've done for them (and before you say there aren't any, trust me there are, just ask them), it'll make you feel so much better. When you do feel like that just stop and think "If I could do anything right now to make myself happy what would it be?" And then whatever it is do it, if it isn't possible do something close to it, just do whatever it takes to make yourself smile. I suggest watching something you know you'll laugh at (preferably something quite long e.g. a film as then you have time to get into it).

With your self concept, I know it's hard, I've been through it well I still do. The first thing you must establish is where are you getting these thoughts from? Why do you think you are fat and ugly when the girl in your dreams isn't, what is the difference between the two of you. I have a girl in my dreams who I want to be like, it's just comforting sometimes to have that thought of me being someone else, leading a different life and I do think it helps with my self image. I strive to be the perfect girl in my head, I'll never get there I know that but it doesn't stop me trying. Just remember this, you are beautiful to a lot of people in this world, when you come to realise that then you will feel so much better. If you think you're fat and ugly because you compare yourselves to the models in the media just look at them and think how much they must have been photoshopped. Even just seeing people in the street is bad enough sometimes, we tend to compare ourselves to those better then us, it's human nature, I think it's so we can strive to be the best person possible. The sad fact is, there will always be someone better then us at most things, even the best in the world, one day someone better will come along. Anyway, comparing ourselves to others is our biggest downfall when it comes to self image. You could try looking at yourself and forgetting everything you already think about yourself, forget the way your mind was programmed and get into the thoughts of someone else. Start looking at yourself in a more positive way, think about what you're strengths are, what you are talented in and exercise those talents. Most people will think that they aren't good at anything because they've shrowded their thoughts with what others can do, but when we take other people out the picture it becomes a lot clearer.

As for your friend who has helped you before, go talk to him, trust me, if he's asking you if you're okay he senses something is wrong. Put his mind at ease, put your mind at ease, go talk to him. Go out and have a drink and talk about the problems again. On a selfish side, he will feel good about helping you and he wouldn't ask if he didn't want to help you. I think that is your first step, getting it out in the open, talking to someone you can trust. Have the confidence to do so, it really will help. As they say, a problem shared is a problem halved :lolface: There's a little cheesy phrase for you.

If you really don't want to talk to anyone then please, PM me, I now have 2 weeks off and I really enjoy helping people, it's why I live. I will be more than glad to help you through this.