(this is a supernatural story...about shapeshifters vampries and basically everything Abnormal" Abnormal Prologue- A yellow lab ran through the woods. She could still smell the warm scent of blood in the air. She was close to him. She needed answers. And fast. Finally she made it to the clearing, where she saw the tiger licking his paws. Within the seconds of her reaching the clearing the yellow lab became a tall blonde young lady. The tiger looked up unexcited and the tiger became a tall and tan young man. “what the hell Wyatt†barked Beth. Her voice was still caught between her human and dog form. “what†purred Wyatt, he too was caught in between. “I had to do it. The bloodsucker threatend me. And he threatend us.†“so you attacked him!? That was a dumb mistake. Now the coven is going to want our hides.†her glared at him. Even though it was in the dead of night and the two of them were in a dark forest, Beth’s shape shifter powers gave her incredibly great vision among other powers. “Cane will need to hear about this†-ONE- College, that small word was the best thing that ever happened to me. I grew up in a town that was a good size. where you didn’t know everyone, but if something exciting happened, and that seldom was the case, everyone knew about it within two hours. The summer after graduating from high school had been along and abnormally warm summer. I had the job of teaching young kids how to play tennis from the middle of June to the end of august. Needless to say, I was very burnt by the end of the summer. The university that I had been accepted to was called Lakeshore university and it was ranked in the top ten best privet colleges in the country. When I was accepted. It was front page news in our towns newspaper. Finally and after months of waiting it was moving day. The Lakeshore was ten hours from my home town, so it was along drive. And the whole time my parents where giving me lectures on “what not to do in college†and “college is for studying not partying†To be honest I didn’t know my parents could hound me for ten straight hours. When we reached the city of Lake Cetus, which had a population of over sixty thousand, it was much much bigger than my home town. This along with everything about college. Made my parents very uneasy. Frantic, as if speaking now was going to change my mind about college, my mother turned to me and said with a voice cracking with emotion. “you sure you really want to go here? Honey?†“yes mom†I said for the fifteenth time in the last three days. “yes†We finally pulled up to the campus’s student center and my parents began to help me unload my stuff. With a quick hug from my father, and along long hug from my mother. They got in the car. And left their son with all of his belongs. Not knowing that the next time they would see me. I would be a very different person. I was free. My parents were good to me don’t get me wrong. Just, well, lets go with intense. And now I was free. And the world was at my finger tips…I just had to find my room. After I had lugged all my things across campus and to my dorm, I went to the student center and checking in. “oh! Mr. St.Peters! It is wonderful to see you again!†said my very bubbly college guidance councilor. It had been a few months since I had been here and met her for the first time. “all of your things are ready to go! Have a wonderful semester!†she patted me on the back and I headed back to my dorm to meet my room mate. As I walked across campus again, I spotted a group of people. Their faces were stone cold as they watched me, yes watched me, they were sitting in a set of chairs under a large maple tree. As I walked by I smiled nicely, but their faces stayed the same. Stone cold. I walked a little bit quicker from then on. After what felt like forever, I got to my room. And I saw my room mate. “Hi William†he said as he flashed a dazzling smile. I melted in place. He was tall and he was very tan and muscular. His hair was a very dark brown almost black. But something I noticed the most were his eyes. They were blue. But very blue, they seem to glow against his tan skin. “my name is Wyatt Taylor†he stuck out his hand for me to shake it. It took me a little bit to understand, but I did shake his hand. “oh, and you can just call me Will†I said and blushed. We started to talk about things, like where he grew up, where I grew up. I got the feeling that he didn’t like talking about his life. And before I had time to talk much more. There was a knock at the door. “come in†said Wyatt. The door opened, and to my surprise it was one of the people who had stared at me on my way to my dorm. The knocker was a girl. Tall with long blonde curly hair. Her face was exprestionless when she stepped into the room. “Wyatt, Cane wants to talk to everyone†“oh, umm ok I will be there†“you don’t have a choice†she said with out a so much as a glance at me. And she slammed the door. “sorry, that’s Beth. She’s kind of a femal dog†he said with a wink and a laugh like it was an inside joke. And he walked out of the room. (please tell me what you think.)
Let me preface all of this by saying that I tend to sound really nasty when I'm criticizing things. It just comes more naturally, so don't take it as a personal attack as much as it may seem to be one at times. I'm saying this because I'd be a bit miffed by what I wrote if it were said to me. Before I can even read this I'd like to point out that you've got sentences in dialogue (which are like any other sentence, in practice, even though you seem not to treat them that way) starting with lowercase letters. It looks terrible because it it grammatically wrong. So change that before you do anything else. It'll make it nice and clean looking at the least. Now read it I have to say the lead in was too abrupt, setting the scene can be fast but you need to give things context. Just throwing everything onto the page at the beginning in a series of straightforward, matter of fact statements won't do. You also wrote, "her glared at him." That also will not do. The first chapter thing is short, choppy and you spelled private, privet (which is a shrub.) Then your grammar. It looks like it took a personal day when this was written and hung out with your spelling. The choppiness lessens greatly over the course of the few paragraphs you have but when it's choppy, it's kinda hard to read. So I'd work on making things smoother so that one idea, sentence or paragraph doesn't just follow another because it does, but because its predecessor flows and segues into it. Work on spelling as well because you made several typos on minor words that you should have caught. Grammar is your Achilles' heel here though. Sometimes you've got a dependent clause as its own sentence, sometimes you don't capitalize August. It's like with spelling, you've got to go over this before you post it, it's hard to read when your meaning is muddied by grammatical mistakes that I'm sure you could have caught on your own. Then there's the length. It's so short. You could say a lot about these few events to build character, foreshadow, add nuance or any number of things but I will not complain about you keeping it simple. I will complain, however, that it's harder to critique something when there are fewer words there to critique. Next is the plotline thus far. I dislike the subject matter. The word vampire in conjunction with fantasy story makes me cringe. But as things I dislike go this could be far, far worse. Problem is I have very little to go on. I've mentioned already the things that were not quite up to par with this, now I'll mention what I did like. The voice of the narrator got better over the course of the chapter and conveyed this William character as much as this much writing should. But his voice doesn't seem to carry over too much into his dialogue and as the narrator as well the two should match up a little more. Overall, I'd like you to keep working on this or at least to keep writing, but first things first. Fine tune what you have because it's the beginning that serves as a hook for readers. If you start off strong you can probably keep a reader for a god few chapters afterwards. I hope I wasn't harsh or anything else unpleasant with this. If you have any complaints or concerns with me, then just say so and I'll try to make it better somehow.
._. well...ok.... well in all honestly i wrote this in a word doc on my computer...and when i brought it over all the structure got screwed... but thats for the advice.
