A Kingdom Hearts Short Story: The Sleepover

Discussion in 'Archives' started by SpazticFantaztic >:3, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. SpazticFantaztic >:3 Kingdom Keeper

    112
    952
    "Oh, god, that Mrs. Henrietta is this worst, isn't she?" Sora said to his two best friends as they walked out of their World History class.
    "I know!" Kairi replied. "A 12 page report over the WEEKEND, too!" She complained.
    "Don't forget, we still have that project due on Tuesday, and test worth 50% of our grade on Monday." Riku added. Most of the teachers in the Destiny Islands High School were very nice and didn't give much homework, well, ever. But everyone in the school knew just how bad Mrs. Henrietta was. She had been teaching World History at the school for thirty years now, and her outlook on the worth of children's lives still hadn't changed.

    As Sora, Riku, and Kairi walked to their next class, Sora noticed a sign on the bulletin board that read "Student Body President Elections-- Next Week". "Oh, hey!" He said. "Elections are next week! Any of you thinking of running?" He asked.
    "I might." Riku said.
    "That kinda stuff isn't really for me, I'm not the most popular girl in school, y'know. Besides, it's always just the snobby girls and Riku who run." Said Kairi dejectedly.
    "Hey!" Riku shouted.
    "I'm actually thinking of signing up this year." Sora said.

    As they hurried to get to their next class (The bell would ring in thirty seconds), Riku asked, "Kairi, we still on for the sleepover at your house tonight, right?"
    "Of course." The Princess of Heart replied.
    "I can't wait!" Sora said.

    ~._.~

    (I don't really have time to finish right now, so I'm leaving this here, but I will complete it when I come back)
     
  2. Juicy Chaser

    Joined:
    May 29, 2008
    325
    PLEASE go over your spelling and grammar ahfahf D:

    The very first letter isn't capitalized. That's the first impression the reader will get, and it doesn't make a good starting point.

    The story seems okay so far, I just have one major issue. The following text highlights the importance of starting new lines everytime someone new talks. xD

    It looks like Riku said all of this, and was gender swapping!

    So yeah, structure: New line everytime there's a new speaker!

    Good work otherwise :3
     
  3. SpazticFantaztic >:3 Kingdom Keeper

    112
    952
    After coming out of their last class of the day, thrilled that it was Friday, the three friends each went their seperate ways. Sora rode his bike home, Riku rode the bus, and Kairi walked home. Sora and Riku planned to arrive at Kairi's house at around 6:00. They had both been to Kairi's house many times before, but this would be the first time they would sleep over, or even stay for dinner.

    When they arrived, Kairi was waiting outside. She look very excited. "Hi Guys!" She yelled to them, and waved as they both pulled up on their bikes. They had decided to ride there together.
    "Hey, Kairi." Sora and Riku said together as they dismounted their bikes.
    "So," she said. "What do you guys wanna do first?" Kairi asked.
    "Uhm, I'd really like to go inside, if you don't mind. It's hot out here." Said Sora.

    [still not done]