Chapter 1:an electrick anger issue Axel:ughhh. Axel:why does larxene have to electrickute me after i finish a sentance.zappppppppppp! Larxene:that was for eating the last lemon lime pie! Axel:how was i supposed to know you were gonna eat it?! Larxene:there was a note on it! Axel:there was no note! Vexen:shutttt upppppp! Vexen:i am trying to work on a science prodject and how am i gonna work if i keep hearing you 2 screammmmm! Xemnas walks in. Axel,larxene,vexen:blah blah blah yappity yapity yap. Xemnas walks out. Demyx:hmmm,what rymes with saix,aha buy its.crashhhh shatter bam rumble! Demyx:what the heck? Demyx walks into the ruined living room. Xigbar came out wearing a black bathrobe and has his hair wet. Xigbar:i bet you did this. Demyx:gulp. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT
ok, im going to try to be critical, but not insulting. first off, this reminds me of a kindergardener's work. the story is fractured, makes little to no sense, and seems like one big, long run-on sentence. this isnt so much a story as it is a screenplay, if that. if you were going for a screenplay feel, you need to add spaces in between people talking. im including an example at the bottom of this post.* if you wanted it to be a story, use quotations instead of prompts (Axel: ) stories also need a plot line, not just Axel eating Larxenes pie. read the other stories on this site if you dont know what im talking about. as i said, i was trying to be critical, not insulting. please dont be offended by this, im trying to help. *EXAMPLE Axel: Hello Larxene. please dont electrocute me. Larxene: Too bad. [ZAP] Axel: Ow (readers often find it easier to read a story online if the paragraphs are double spaced.)
I have to agree with Loxare. This is a little too hard to read, many spelling errors, and when you do the sounds: Screenplay: (Larxene is thrown to the wall) Bam! Axel: (Snickers) Or...... Fan Fic Version: Larxene is thrown to the wall with an audible Thump! "You'll pay for that!" She snarls to Marluxia, who backs up in shock. "I didn't mean to!" Axel, who is near by, snickers quietly. 'Marluxia's gonna get it!' He teased in his head, watching in delight. Those are just two ways to write a fanfic, and there are others, all you gotta do is find one that suits you. Paragraphs-I suggest reading Maybe Kingdom Hearts: The Order Of the keyblade. Also, Kingdom Hearts Alternate Future(KHAF): Switched!, KHAF: Sora and Kairi's wedding, What's Xigbar's Age, Again? and The Story of Xilord and Valentine Of Destiny and Nobodies Become Somebodies There are more, but there are 1000s of fanfics here, soooooo I hope you read them! They have Great plots, act out the characters impressively, and leave you wanting more! ~Creative DH Moment~ Please do not be offended, I'm just trying to help.
