this is a story i'm writing and i'm going to try and get it published, but to do that i'm gonna need to get some advice, so if anything is wrong with it, please tell me. here is the Preface Preface “Have we located her?” a young man shrouded in a black cloak asked as he prowled down a small hall and into a room containing a few medics and scientists. A woman turned in her chair while pushing up her glasses with her ring finger, the gleam on the lenses hiding her eyes. Her faded brown hair tied up in a messy bun at the base of her head, and a white coat hanging limply beside her thighs. “Yes sir, soon we will be able to obtain her from Kyame.” She said. The man approached her and leaned in to her chair height level, a red glow coming from his piercing eyes. “Just know that if you people mess this up, your memories will be drained, and you’ll be thrown to the demons.” He warned in an ominous voice. Everyone glanced over from their work to look at the two. The back of the woman’s neck began to dampen with sweat as the eyes behind her glasses filled with horror and anxiety. “Y-yes sir… we won’t let you down.” She said and quickly turned back to her monitor. The man smirked slightly before turning to one of the medics as he stumbled up, “S-sir, B-Bailey’s condition is starting to improve; we m-might not be in need of the other o-one…” the young boy muttered. The man stared at the medic before looking up at a large containment filled with a green tinted fluid. The young man stared up at a girl not much younger than he. Her faded hazel brown eyes stared blankly down in front of her, her long dark honey-brown hair gently flowing around her. A mask hung tightly around her mouth and nose and sent her oxygen as different wires attached themselves to her skinny arms and legs. The man walked to the containment and gently put a hand on the glass“If that is to come true, and Bailey wakes up, then we will obliterate the one held by Kyame.”
O_O...wow. What a way to begin a story. I can feel the raw emotions in this piece, and that's rare in the writings here. Nice job, Jap!
this is good writting. but from the preface we can tell little of the surroundings, if its meant to be that way, its great but if its not... and another thing, i found this to be a very interesting start, wich makes you wonder right from the start. though the part that says "the hotness of the angry tears" should sound something a bit like this. "the warm tears of anger that flow through my face, and fall to the floor." but otherwise this was very good. , and in the part "My arms fly over my head as i clutch my head" should not repeat head again, the reader already knows what youre talking about , so it should go like this. "My arms fly over my head as i clutch it" . there are very little grammar errors, but since you wanna get this published, you might wanna broaden your vocabulary with new words , check some stories, look for good writting advice. and try to describe things a bit more , i like the raw emotion and the mysterious idea that keeps the reader wondering "what's happening?". so, keep it up, i only began writting something small, i started today, but i prepared myself before i would. but this is good , keep it up, and i hope it works out.
i have been making many changes to my story while i'm writing the first chapter, and i wanted to let you know that i haveedited the preface, please look at it and tell me what you think.
Very, very good. It still keeps a level of mystery and added detail. and better grammar, good job on this.
