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213 Things you cant do in the army

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by
asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play "Pulp Fiction" with a suction-cup dart pistol
and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add "In accordance with the prophesy" to the end of
answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product "Get Over it".

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to "Sic Brass!"

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my "Samson like powers".

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous "Barbie Girl Dance" while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime,
even if I'm right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a "Wanker".

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are,
especially if it's true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that "We kicked your ass in World War 2!"

27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks
(Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

29. The Irish MPs are not after "Me frosted lucky charms".

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly
banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did*
bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing "High Speed Dirt" by Megadeth during airborne
operations. ("See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky,
black death, I'm off to meet my maker")

36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American
War isn't over).

37. Our medic is called "Sgt Larwasa", not "Dr. Feelgood".

38. Our supply Sgt is "Sgt Watkins" not "Sugar Daddy".

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on
the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. "Keep on Trucking" is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in
recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

45. I am not allowed to "Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's
little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies".

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw
in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for "magic beans".

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote "Dr Seuss" on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell "Take that Cobra" at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote "Full Metal Jacket " at the rifle range.

54. "Napalm sticks to kids" is *not* a motivational phrase.

55. An order to "Put Kiwi on my boots" does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to "Make my Boots black and shiny" does not involve
electrical tape.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not "Why?"

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence-
Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and
wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all
Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean
hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, **** puppy, or any
references to squid.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain
of command.

60. "The Giant Space Ants" are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4
on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean "I have been
promoted three more times than you".

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer
applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no "Anti-Mime" campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to "Block out the space
mind control lasers".

69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed "Skyclad".

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I
should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these
are not the droids you are looking for."

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82. May not form any press gangs.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had
an experience I just had to write you about...."

84. Must not use military vehicles to "Squish" things.

85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting
the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the "field of honor".

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15
seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as "Mom".

89. Must not refer to the Commander as "Dad".

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony "Romper
Bomper Stomper Boo" is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. "Redneck Zombies" is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not "Tell my
chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes
in their masks."

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong
to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors,
even if they are "casualties of war".

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war,
and I should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a "Cool Mint" Listerine(r) bottle
is not a good combination.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes,
booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small
children, or bootleg CD's.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really
fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian
Armored vehicles.

112. When saluting a "leg" officer, an appropriate greeting is not
"Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from "Full
Monty" every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore
it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest
off color joke.

121. I should not use government resources to "waterproof" dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude
things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say
potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. "No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages" does not imply that a Jack
Daniel's (r) IV is acceptable.

128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft (r) "Dancing Paperclip" is not authorized to
countermand any orders.

130. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction
with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the
soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting "Let's do the village! Let's do the whole ****ing
village!" while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian
uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove "The Pen is Mightier
than the sword".

142. "Calvin-Ball" is not authorized PT.

143. I do not need to keep a "range card" by my window.

144. "K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free" is not an authorized uniform.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream
during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke (r).

148. Putting red "Mike and Ike's" (r) into a prescription medicine
bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is "Specialist Schwarz,
reporting as ordered, Sir" not "You can't prove a thing!"

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of
grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or
Chem-Light (r) batteries.

153. I should not assign new privates to "guard the flight line".

154. Shouldn't treat "piss-bottles" with extra-strength icy hot.

155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156. I will no longer perform "lap-dances" while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. Take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get "that time of month".

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* "especially patriotic films"

170. Not allowed to "defect" to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.

172. "A full magazine and some privacy" is not the way to help a
potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby (r) is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the
gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

175. We do not "charge into battle, naked, like the Celts".

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not
need to be brought into the office.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as "the boxy rectangle thingie".

178. I am not "A lesbian trapped in a man's body".

179. On Army documents, my race is not "Other".

180. Nor is it "Secretariat, in the third".

181. Pokémon(r) trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for "wall-to-wall counseling".

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to
hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. (r)

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something
"I saw in a cartoon".

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal,
with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge officers to "Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn".

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not "That's what you think".

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn't use Photoshop (r) to create incriminating photos of my
chain of command.

196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

197. I am not allowed to sing "Henry the VIII I am" until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a "Coup" during training missions.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I "just happen" to
have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the
back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance"
and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.

203. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad
long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of
the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."

205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch
pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux
capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy
wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has
ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on
22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians
who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to
the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also
not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat
Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to
deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a
security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me
repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of
microscopic parasites.

He didnt guess my number correctly, can he guess yours?

clicky

So that's the last one for today, and probably for some time. Tomorrow we're starting our final exams, and we're finishing at 06-18, so I won't be able to log in for that time period.

Wish me luck, and have a good day.

The police car, its siren blaring, raced in front of a speeding car and forced it to stop.
A heavily built policeman got out and walked over.
‘You name, please?’ asked the policeman, taking out his notebook and pen.
‘Certainly, officer,’ replied the driver. ‘It’s Horatio Xerxes Laertes Idomeneus Aeneas Asclepius Iphicles Menoeceus Memnon Philoctetes Tyndareus Hylas.’
The policeman thought for a moment, then looked at his notebook, shook
his head and said: ‘I’ll just give you a warning this time — don’t break the
speed limit again

take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
the average person cant.
this is this cat
this is is cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is a cat
this is ****** cat
this is a busy cat
this is for cat
this is forty cat
this is seconds cat
now go back and READ the third word in each line from top to bottom

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in

the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the Chesterfield

enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to

Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward

type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I

explained to him that I was conducting some very important

business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a

quick "Hello, Dean" at me while I was with my client.

He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a
tap on my shoulder.

It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.

He said "Hi Dean, what's happening?"

To which I replied "Piss off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name

him...



Sum Ting Wong

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh*t is adorable.

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the ***** has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here..

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex-boyfriend!

Now smile :)

Tech Support is Too Stupid

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?" "They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing."

"Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug?]

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." [pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." [muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." [still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" [clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."

"Dark?" "Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't."

"No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!"