I don't see TCO posting much, but he's been referred to most threads I visit.
2 days ago me and my friend broke our city's record. A headers record. Y' know, passing at each other the ball with headers continuusly without the ball hitting the ground. The old record was 80 continuus passes, but we broke it and did 96 headers! We could have done more, but at the 96th pass my friend slipped and didn't pass it to me well, so I couldn't continue it. When I see my friend again, we'll break this record too and do a lot more passes!
A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed in the written examination. Since he was the Chief's nephew, the examiner decided to go easy on him with the oral test. 'Who shot Abraham Lincoln?', asked the examiner. The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back the next morning. When the would-be recruit went home, his wife asked, 'Well, how did it go? Did you get the job?' 'I think so,' he replied. 'They have already got me working on a case.'
Patient: 'Doctor, do you think that I will live until I'm a hundred?' Doctor: 'Do you smoke or drink?' Patient: 'No' Doctor: 'Do you drive fast cars, gamble, or play around with women?' Patient: 'Certainly not!' Doctor: 'Then what do you want to live to a hundred for?'
'Hey,' the tourist said to the mountaineer, 'Your son just threw a rock at me as I passed by' 'Did it hit you?' 'No' 'Then it wasn't my son.'
I don't like the show, but some of my friends have mixed their lives with it. They can't wait for the new episodes to come out, even our teacher asks them to give him the episodes xD
The vid isn't working for me "due to a copyright claim by Association of Copyright for Computer Software". Is it deleted?
-Wax the ceiling -Rearrange political campaign signs -Sharpen your teeth -Play Houdini with one of your siblings -Braid your dog's hair -Clean and polish your belly button -Water your dog...see if he grows -Wash a tree -Knight yourself -Name your child Edsel -Scare Stephen King -Give your cat a mohawk -Purr -Mow your carpet -Play Pat Boone records backwards -Vacuum your lawn -Whine -Rake your carpet -Re-elect Richard Nixon -Critique "Three's Company" -Listen to a painting -Play with matches -Buff your cat -Race ferrets -Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange -Have a formal dinner at White Castle -Read Homer in the original Greek -Change your mind -Change it back -Learn Greek -Watch the sun...see if it moves -Stand on your head -Stand on someone else's head -Build a pyramid -See how long you can stay awake -See how long you can sleep -Spit shine your Nikes -Paint your teeth -Wear a salad -Speak with a forked tongue -Get your dog braces -Shave a shrub -Have a proton fight -Watch a car rust -Quiver -Rotate your carpet -Learn to type...with your toes -Set up your Christmas tree in April -Buy the Brooklyn Bridge -Be someone special -Mail it to a friend -Go back to square one -Factor your social security number -Take the fifth -Memorize a series of random numbers -Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages -Join the Foreign Legion -Learn Sanskrit -Exist...existentially, of course -Print counterfeit Confederate money -Kick a cabbage -Take a picture -Sandpaper a mushroom -Put it back -Play solitaire...for cash -Abuse your patio furniture -Run for Pope -Count to a million...fast -Make a schematic drawing...of a rock -Commit seppuku...with a paper knife -Revert -Think shallow thoughts -Sleep on a bed of nails -Boil ice cream -DON'T toss and turn -Run around in squares -Think of quadruple entendres -Speak in acronyms -Have your pillow X-rayed -Drink straight shots...of water -Calmly have a nervous breakdown -Give your goldfish a perm -Fly a brick -Play tag...on 35W -Exorcise a ghost -Be blue -Exercise a ghost -Be red -But don't be orange -Paint stripes on a lake -Ski Kansas -Sleep in freefall -Kill a Joule -Test thin ice...with a pogo stick -Apply for a unicorn hunting license -Do a good job -Crawl -Invite the Mansons over for dinner -Paint your windows -Watch a watch until it stops -Flash your goldfish -Paint -Smile -Paint a smile -Flirt with an evergreen -Rotate your garden...daily -Shoot a fire hydrant -Pretend you're blind -Apologize to it -Plant a shoe -Sweat -Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil -Turn -Take your sofa for a walk -Write a letter to Plato -Mail it -Start -Stop -Dial 911 and breathe heavily -Go to a funeral...tell jokes -Play the piano...with mittens on -Starch your shoes -Polish your Calvin's -Contemplate a cockroach -Get a dog to chase your car -Investigate the Czar -Let him catch it -Form a political party -Climb a sidewalk -Have a political party -Get diagonal...with a good friend -Ride a loaf of bread -Sharpen a carrot -Interrogate a gerbil -Annoy yourself -Get mad at yourself -Stop speaking to yourself -Be a side effect -Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley -Duck -Redecorate...your garage -Develop a complex -Join the Army...be someone simple -Try harder -Hit the deck -Put leg warmers on your furniture -Cut the deck -Scheme -Sit -Water your family room -Stay -Cause a power failure -Roll over -Wriggle -Play dead -Donate your brother's body to science -Find a witch -Ask why -Burn her -Regress -Sleepwalk without sleeping -Go bow hunting for Toyotas -Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids -Jump back -Play to lose -Scalp a street light -Have your car painted...plaid -Read a tomato -Sharpen your sleeping skills -Watch a game show...take notes -Put out a fire -Interview a cloud -If you can't find a fire, make one -Play tiddlywinks...go for blood -Play basketball...in a minefield -Crumple -Translate Shakespeare into English -Skydive to church -Cheer up a potato -Do aerobic exercises...in your head -Play cards with your swimming pool -Pinstripe your driveway -Play Kick the Fire Hydrant -Harness chipmunk power -Build a house with ice cubes -Call London for a cab -Mug a stop sign -Change your name...daily -Go for a walk in your attic -Challenge your neighbor to a duel -Try to join Hell's Angels by mail -Wonder -Be a square root -Ask stupid questions -Weld your car doors shut -Spew -Vacation at Three-Mile Island -Surf Ohio -Teach your pet rock to play dead -Go bowling for small game -Be a monk...for a day -Wear a sweatband to your wedding -Staple -Run away -Intimidate a piece of chalk -Abuse the plumbing -Bend a florescent light -Bend a brick -Annoy total strangers -Don't talk to things -Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling -Have your cat bronzed -Have your gerbil gilded -Write books about writing books -Create random equations -Misspell words -Tell your feet a joke -Throw a tomato into a fan -Sing the ABC song backwards -Pretend you're a dog -Dial-a-prayer and argue with it -Grease the doorknobs -String up a room -Stack furniture -Relive fond memories -Tie your shoelaces together -Gargle -Count your teeth with your tongue -Decay -Find your half-life -Build a house out of toothpicks -Howl -Wear a lampshade on your head -Memorize the dictionary -Stomp grapes in the bathtub -Find a bug and chase it -Make yourself a pair of wings -Be immobile -Dance 'til you drop -Check under chairs for chewing gum -Squish a loaf of bread -Moo -Bounce a potato -Out maneuver your shadow -Climb the walls -Appreciate everything -Challenge yourself to a duel -Believe in Santa Claus -Let the best man win -Throw marshmallows against the wall -Hold an ice cube as long as possible -Adopt strange mannerisms -Blow up a balloon until it pops -Sing soft and sweet and clear -Sing loud and sour and gravely -Open everything -Balance a pencil on your nose -Pour milk in your shoes -Write graffiti under the rug -Embarrass yourself -Grind your teeth -Chew ice -Count your belly button -Sit in a row -Stack crumbs -Gesture -Save your toenail clippings -Make a pass at your blender -Punt -Make up words that start with X -Make oatmeal in the bathtub -Search for the Lost Chord -Chew on a sofa cushion -Sing a duet -Balance a pillow on your head -Hold your breath -Faint -Stretch -Flash your mailman -Teach your TA English -Learn to speak Farsi -Swear in Russian -Use an eraser until it goes away -Disassemble your car -Put it together inside out -Record your walls -Interview your feet -Make a list of your favorite fungi -Sell formaldehyde -Make napalm -Tattoo your dresser -Watch a bowling ball -Buy some diapers -Eat everything -Begin -Pour milk in the sink -Make cottage cheese -Tie-dye your sheets -Hold your earlobes -Carpet your ceiling -Fold your earlobes -Flap -Squawk -Read tea leaves -Analyze the Koran -Be Buddha -Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize -Plug in the cat -Turn on everything -Drop pebbles down the chimney -Turn off your neighbor -Kill a plant -Buy a 1931 Almanac -Memorize the weather section -Think lewd thoughts about yourself -Peel grapes -Make paper from the skins -Send chills down your spine -Blow bubbles -Bloat -Catch them with your radiator -Get run over by a train of thought -Make up famous sayings -Bite your pinkie -File your teeth -Design a better toilet seat -Shred a newspaper -Scratch -Have a headache -Sniff -Hatch an egg -Play air guitar -Spill -Act profound -Spell -Stare -Truncate -Slouch -Develop hearing problems -Put your feet behind your head -Tie bows in everything -Hold your hand -Watch the minute hand move -Grow your fingernails -Pretend you're a telephone -Radiate -Ring -Skip -Play hopscotch...with real scotch -Clock the velocity of your REMs -Put your shoes on the opposite feet -Cross your toes -Roll your tongue -Crystallize -Baby oil the floor -Hide -Attack innocent bunnies -Declare war -Destroy a tree -Hide the scrabble bag -Seduce your stick shift -Wink -Memorize the periodic table -Mummify -Pretend you're a roadie -Buy a Ginsu knife -Collect electrons -Correct typos that aren't there -Polish your neck...use Pledge -Repeat -Ad lib -Fade -Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car -Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet -Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes -Unscrew all the light bulbs and rearrange the furniture -Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending -Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk") -Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother -Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong -Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail -Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire -Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before -Walk on water...but don't get caught -Confess to a crime...that didn't happen -Be in the wrong place at the right time -Plot the overthrow of your local School Board -Request covert assistance from the CIA -Discover the source of the Mississippi -Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska -Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes -Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is -Drink as much prune juice as you can -Write a book about your previous life -Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres -Jump up and down...on your alarm clock -Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins -Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniel's -Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow -Drive the speed limit...in your garage -Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final -Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna -Pay off the national debt...with a bad check -Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people -Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas -Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes -Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster -See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement -Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English -Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good job they're doing...On April 1st -Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor -Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them -Turn your TV picture tube upside down -Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy -Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets -Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks -Be planar...but don't tell your parents -Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck -Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed -Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed -Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese -Debate politics with a fern -If you lose, stop watering it and try again. -Increase your territorial holdings by force -Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat -Boldly go where no man has gone before -Be a threat to the American way of life -Do research into the cause of World War III -Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life -Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh -See how small you can scrunch your face -Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis -Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization) -Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation -Raise professional certified racing turnips -Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation -Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U. -Go to a drive-in movie in a tank -Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway -Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first -Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch -Send your goldfish to obedience school -Free the oppressed toasters of America -Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing -Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave -Park your car...with a friend -Park your car...with a group of friends -Frame your first statement of bankruptcy -Place it on the wall of your office -Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x) -Contribute to the population problem -Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign -Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor -Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife -Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway -Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night -Play with anything that looks interesting -Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first -See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water -Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work -Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up -State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes") -Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design -Make a schematic drawing...of a rock -Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like -See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house -Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while -See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green -Bronze your sister's turtle -See how long it takes for her to notice -See what she does when she notices -Bronze your sister
21 Best Mugshots Evar Enjoy :D
Correct, but if you are to change your hard drive then you'll need those either.
I haven't seen the movie, but I have the ps2 game.
Sign says: You're going xx km/h
SMART ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. SMART ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.' SMART ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' SMART ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting fo r you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.' SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 (yes they're old I know) -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.' Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.' A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.' He never heard the shot....
You gotta be kidding! Goofy and Donald are the souls of the game.
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.' I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End' I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.' I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?' My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.' I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R. I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down. I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.' I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.' This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.' I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.' I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!' This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!' I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest' I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road' I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.' I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow' A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road. They pass each other. The woman yells out the window, PIG! Man yells out window, B * * * *! Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. Thought For the Day: If only men would listen!
I got stopped for speeding the other day I thought I could talk My way out of it Until the Cop looked at my Dog in the back seat One Sign You're Driving Too Fast........
Not every thread here is funny, why aren't those deleted then? ANyways I'll just return to my job here.
Why do you delete my thread it ain't got anything bad! The pic isn't the same with mimikins' thread!
