This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers. Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down... . . . . . . . . . Look down , not scroll down, dummy! :D :laughing-smiley-004
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating". Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" I love this part.... "Only when he's been drinking."
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else Via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life Completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two Good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote. Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her that she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we are married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind - a vulgar one. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought for a moment, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, he said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope, "Excuse me, but do you happen to have an eraser?"
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?" The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc."
An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that, Doc?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have shot that beaver." . . . Now think about it .................
I saw this commercial a few hours ago... good.
3 people were going on a trip all around the world with their private aeroplane, but just above some Indian colony the engines stopped working and they fell to the ground. Surprisingly, both 3 people lived without a scratch. But as soon as they got out of the plane, they saw the Indians standing around them. They tied them up with some ropes, and took them to their leader. Their leader said to the prisoners, 'Each one of you will tell a joke. If the whole village laughs, we'll let the person go. If not, then we'll cut off his head'. The first person tells a joke, and luckily the whole village bursts into laughs. They let him go. The second person tells a joke, and again the whole village starts laughing. He is allowed to leave too. When the third person tells a joke, the whole village starts laughing, except one single person. They don't let him go, and they cut off his head. A few minutes afterwards, they see the person who didn't laugh earlier laughing with great pleasure. They ask him, 'What are you laughing about? You didn't laugh earlier when the person told the joke' And he replied, 'Now I get it'.
It depends on the 'newcomer'. Does he like you as much as you do?
The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, "What did you do at recess?" Mary says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does, and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played with Mary in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest , which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is; why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The businessman replied: Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?
Check out this link. "I Love the World" Videogame Edition Here is the original. The World is a wonderful place. Discovery-ad that makes you love the World. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5BxymuiAxQ
If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?
