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Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude and abrasive.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary
confinement.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinion
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your
authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

they fight to grab it. Whats wrong with a bat?

1689--Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and
establishes a small base camp.

1691--Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew abandons
him.

1692--Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe,
bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is
able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.

1703--Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns
to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but
still intact.

1704--Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and
is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew,
and buys building materials to expand his polar base.

1705--Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him
and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.

1716--After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with
polar artifacts, as well as the phony ones making charlatans rich. Seeing
this decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company
in his native Germany.

1720--Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only
because of Claus' underhanded business dealings. (It was also rumored that
Claus was dealing with enemy countries as well). Competitors urged
government officials to begin an investigation.

1721--Enough evidence is found, and charges are drawn up against the Claus
Toys Company. Claus himself
refuses to release his records.

1722--The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of
treason. When news of this breaks, Claus' employees all turn against him
and his company.

1723--Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds
with all of the company's funds.

1724--A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds,
however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he and his Sicilian wife
flee for their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it is
generally assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off
course. He is believed to have returned to his North Pole base).

1725--Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.

1725-1734--The Claus' lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the
arts of toymaking and business dealings.

1735--Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to construct
a castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the
company funds.

1739--The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus
II reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the same year, Claus' wife dies,
accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castle's great halls.

1740--Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.

1745--Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and
of his sick father.

1747--Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city
around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.

1748--Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of
Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving for a
better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.

1753--All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly
established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his father's toy company
once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies, at age
89.

1755--The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife
take the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and the elves
enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.

1757--The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by
Claus II to begin an ambitious project--that of breeding and training
reindeer to fly.

1773--The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III's major
form of transportation.

1774--A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light. He
becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by the Claus
government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday, inviting several other
world leaders for a stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a
lavish show of wealth, all at the elves' expense. He gives the other
leaders the impression of a dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The
elves sense this, and the seeds of rebellion are planted.

1777--As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search
for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor of the Claus
government, sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to use it to his
advantage.

1784--On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street
during the Christmas day parade, and is assasinated by a radical faction
of elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law
into effect for the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf leads
the Elves in rebellion.

1785-1792--The Seven-year Strike takes place. The elves refuse to make
toys, and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North Pole hits
an economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a prisoner of
his own castle. Rudolf rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself
as leader of the elven community.

1796--Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully attempt to invade Norway. Over
10,000 elves are killed.

1800--Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.

1802--After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he is
quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built, brought
to life, and used as a political scapegoat.

1804--Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves
are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.

1819-1826--After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and
Claus III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus IV is
introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.

1827-1841--The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt
Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints his son as president. In
order to clear their bad name and make up for their out-of-the-way location,
they decide to start the hugest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas,
Claus IV will ride all over the world, distributing free toys to children
everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit, but remains very costly.

1837--Claus III dies.

1851--As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the elves
are asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay cut. They
start to complain, but Claus assures them he will do all he can to help
them. As a sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening
the bonds between the Claus family and the Elves.

1856--Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay
at home, and so he suggests that department stores use costumed employees
to represent him. They do, and it works out so well that he decides to do
it every year.

1857-1867--Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his
elf relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time building
up the company, doesn't seem to mind, in fact, he feels that it's good
publicity.

1871--Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try to
convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the government back to
the elves.

1872--Claus V usurps his father's throne, sending him to live the remainder
of his life under guard in the castle's west wing.

1875--After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the
new form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest this, but
they are successfully quieted. (It is also because of communism that Santa
Claus' suit later changes from beige to red.)

1881--Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets underway.
His funeral is not a large one.

1887--In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes
industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on the assembly
line.

1893--Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of
the first one, whom the communist government now honors for "giving the
government back to the elves."

1900--Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" is published.

1902--After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is
claimed to have been sighted on several occasions. All throughout the
kingdom, children claim that they all heard him say he'd be back again some
day.

1906--Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves aren't
the least bit excited.

1909-1922--The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda
influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear occasionally, and Claus
V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden sabotage.

1925--Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He is found buried in
the snow in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many think it is the work of
Frosty, but no one can prove it.

1926--Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He rules
with an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights are installed in the
streets, and the castle and the town gets electricity. The factories are
expanded, and the toys continue to be used as propaganda for the world.

1929--Angered by Claus' commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch attempts
to remove the material goods to show the true meaning of Christmas. He
fails, and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which warps the story so that
the Grinch is made out to be the villian.

1949--Claus VII is born.

1979--Claus VI dies of natural causes.

1933-1990--The North Pole remains stable, with everything running smoothly.
Across the Western world, a pattern starts to emerge and become noticed.
Children receive Claus' toys each Christmas, but as they grow older, their
parents throw them awayforhe children to th anden they tell
theirildrenat te io Sa Claus. ater whene cdren have
children of th own,ey'surprised to see the toyominnce again,
t nottil s too late do they sehe tlropaganda involved, and
so the cycle goes on.

1991--First sightings of Anti-Claus.

1993--Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed.
His suit is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and whites reversed.
He carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants or needs. And
instead of using reindeer and a sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by
eight flying cows.

1997--Anti-Claus is radar tracked and found to live in an underground
hideout run by dwarves at the South Pole.

2002--Communism fails utterly at the North Pole due to the nature of the
elves. Claus VII, flying clockwise around the earth making the Christmas
rounds, collides with Anti-Claus, who was flying counterclockwise. A huge
explosion and blinding flash of light occurs, leading scientists to believe
that they annihilated each other.

2007--The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves.
Christmas is no longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness is finally
achieved throughout the kingdom.

2011--It is discovered that Claus VII did not die in the explosion, but
merely made it appear so. From there he went to live in the Bahamas.
He is later found, dead of a heart attack, in a jacuzzi with two and a
half dozen nymphets.

This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need.

A special circuit in the machine called a "critical detector" senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union.) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.

I wish to uncompress you over *all* my disk space.
Oh little processer of my desire!
Be the hard drive of my dreams.
I want all of our functions to be read/write.
Living with you is like virtual reality.
We can make beautiful .wav files together.
May we never have any bad CRC's.
I output gibberish as you tap my keypad.
Before you, I was a PC without a power outlet.
Let's interface our hardware.
Press any key to continue.
May our communication always be synchronous.
Don't worry, the first couple of times it's always Abort, Retry, Fail.
I'll always have cache for you.
Our LoveRoutines link perfectly.
Ever since I met you, I've been looping a recursive subroutine.
No kinky Windows stuff.
I think we should increase our bandwidth.
Every once and a while two numbers meet, link, and become forever binary.
Well, if that's how you feel, I guess it's time to upgrade.
Oh, you found out about my backups, didn't you?
Trust me, I'm user friendly.
Well, now you've gone and killed my process.
You can't exit yet, you still have stopped jobs!
Phone for you, I think it's your motherboard.

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is

told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give

Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains

were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pShf2VuAu_Q

You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much
less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning.
Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is
intentionally locked.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it
handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem
drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no
fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens
represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which
means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty
clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight
when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes

SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger.
CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
Time: 2.5 minutes

SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart
believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed
or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest
of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide
whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to
Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
Time: 4 minutes

SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under
what you can dust around.
Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.
Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 9: VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place
people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes
way too long and no one looks there anyway.
Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

SECRET TIP 10: LIGHTING
The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic,
but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds

SECRET TIP 11: BED MAKING
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things
are made up or not, saving you hundreds of seconds over the
course of a lifetime.
Time: 0

SECRET TIP 12: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 13:
If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even
think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.

This is a list of phrases cat owners should get their naughty pets to write on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson.

First posted by Harold Reynolds (harold@atm.dal.ca) on September 20, 1993:

A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs,
shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord.

2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30
a.m., bed at night, TV

3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new
speakers, wallpaper, window screen

4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return,
the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table,
big people's shoes, bathtub

5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls

6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the houseplants, half-digested food

7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or housekeys under the carpet.

8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, houseplant, human's
toes, baby, human

9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza

10. [xxx] is not a bed/litter box.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the
people's wedding, piano strings, mommy's sock drawer.

11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer, the newspaper, Mummy, open milk cartons,
toilet paper, pantyhose, paper clips, human's toes, the produce ripening
on the kitchen counter, Q-tips.

12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher.

From: jzs@genrad.com (John C. Stomieroski)
13. I will not jump onto the [aaa] to knock over the [bbb] or I will be [ccc]
(if they can ever catch me, that is).
aaa - fireplace mantel, counter top, window box, entertainment center
bbb - wedding album, vases, dishes, houseplant, curios
ccc - scolded, locked in the basement, shot, punted, terrorized
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(These are jokes! I only THINK of doing these things. God, how I think
of these!

B. Others

1. My human's penis is NOT a toy. (See Robin Williams, Live at the Met!)
2. Wastebaskets do not have toys in them.
3. The black animal with white stripes is not a plaything.
4. My singing does not provide cultural enrichment.
5. I will not wake my human up at 3 a.m. for breakfast.
6. I will not play "find the mouse" on the bed at midnight.
7. Night time is a good time to *sleep*.
8. The closet is a bad place to go to sharpen my claws.
9. I will not track kitty litter all over the apartment.
10. I will not jump on the break key when my human is on the modem.
11. I will not faithfully chase the cursor around the screen.
12. I recognize that you brought that other cat home as a friend for me and not
as a target of guerrilla attacks.
13. I will not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
14. I will not peel and eat the raw potatoes you have in the basement.
15. I will not throw up on highly absorbing surfaces.
16. The human's food is not meant to be shared with me.
17. I CAN eat a variety of different kinds of cat food.
18. I will not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
19. Other cats' food belongs to *other* cats.
20. The dog food belongs to the dogs.
21. Mummy's face is not a pillow.
22. Mummy's earlobes are not treats.
23. Mummy's hair is not dental floss.
24. Mummy's students' papers are not prey.
(silly students... they want to know why they get teethmarks back with
their comments...)
25. I am not transparent: I shouldn't sit in front of the TV screen.
26. The doorjambs are not made for climbing.
27. We do not kill our prey in the house.
28. We do not leave bits and pieces of our prey on stoves, beds and kitchen
counters.
29. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
30. I will not sprawl on the papers my human is trying to mark.
31. I will not jump to the top of the refrigerator and then projectile vomit all
over the kitchen. (My former roommate's cat did this on a regular basis.)
32. I will not use my female human's chest as a springboard.
33. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
34. The toilet paper does not exist so that I can shred it into little bits.
35. The other cats are not chew toys.
36. The piano is for humans to play.
37. The toilet is not a good place from which to drink water.
38. A silk dress is not to be pulled off its hanger and used as a nest.
39. If I don't eat all the kibbles at once, I won't barf later.
40. I will not lay on my human's face in the middle of the night.
41. I will not snitch dinner from the humans.
42. If I get in the shower while it's running, I will get wet.
43. I will not claw a hole in the sofa/box spring to make a nest.
44. People cannot see me on the floor when they are making the 3 AM bathroom
run or have an armload of groceries.
45. I do not need to be spoon fed.
46. The bed is not a WWF wrestling ring.
47. I will not turn off the answering machine when I play, which greatly upsets
my human and destroys her already impared social life.
48. I will not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking my butt.
49. I will not toss my poop out of the litterbox and play hockey with it.
50. I will not lie down with my butt in the human's face.
51. I will not knock over the stacks of CDs.
52. I will not call someone on the phone. (Yes, this happened. 1) Step on the
speaker button 2) Step on speed dial button)
53. I will not (hang up the phone|press the buttons) when the human is on the
phone.
54. I will not press the reset button on the computer.
55. I will not walk on the keyboard.
56. I will not step on the (volume control|channel changer|power button) on the
(stereo|VCR|TV) remote. (I make sure they point away from the item in
question to avoid this after the stereo started getting really loud
seemingly on its own one morning.)
57. I will not knock things off the coffee table so I can lie down more
comfortably.
58. I will not ask (to be fed|to be petted|to go out) when the humans are making
whoopee.
59. I will not leap from great heights on to my seated human's genital region.
60. The vacuum cleaner is my *friend*.
61. I will not lie down and purr in the path of advancing cars.
62. Rottweilers are not to be f**ked with.
63. Fast as I am, I cannot run through closed doors.
64. I will not jump off the ceiling fan when daddy comes home and turns it on!
(I have NO idea how he got up there!! It scared the S**T outta me)
65. I will no longer hurl plants off the window sill onto my mom's head in the
early hours of the morning.
66. I will not balance my 25 pound body on my human's full bladder.
67. I will not put my paw under a moving sewing machine needle!
(Thank god my "mommy" wasn't using pink thread, she wouldn't have been able
to find the thread to pull it out of my paw.)
68. I will not hide under the clothes on mommy's dress form and then try to use
the item as a scratching post and scratch my mom.
69. I will not put my tail/paws in places where they can be stepped on.
70. I will show remorse when I'm being scolded.
71. I will not attack another cat while his/her head is sticking out of the
litter box.
72. I will not sneak up behind my human so that when he turns around he either
trips or twists his ankle when trying to avoid stepping on me!!
73. I will not wait until my people have visitors before I go and get a tampon
from its box and bring it downstairs to kill it.
74. I will not drink the bathwater while my human is taking a bath!
75. I will not try to dig to China from my litter box.
76. I will pee in the litter box, not on the bag with clean litter in it.
77. I will not bother mommy when she's practicing her suture patterns.
78. The other cat does not like it when I play with her tail.
79. I will not head butt the control pad/joystick when the human is 10 seconds
away from completing a game after 2 hours work, when on his last man.
80. I will not use my human to hide behind in hide and seek.
81. I will not harass the gerbils/hamsters/guinea pigs.
82. I will not bat every toy I own under the couch and then meow until someone
comes and gets them (at 3 a.m.) for me.
83. My human's car and house keys are not toys and are certainly not something
he wishes to play search-and-find when he is late for work.
84. I will not jump on the kitchen counter and make off with the roast beef
(or the roast chicken).
85. Twenty pound kitties should not climb to the top of small trees and cause
them to bend in half.
86. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in
its bowl.
87. I will not have urine wars with the new cat in the house on the kitchen
counter.
88. I will wait until my master's bird-loving girlfriend leaves before bringing
in a half-dead, still chirping, baby bird.
89. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as
my master is explaining to the bird-loving girlfriend how graceful I am.
90. I will not get on the roof, meow frantically, then claw my master as he
tries to rescue me with a ladder.
91. I will not lie on my master's girlfriend's chest with my butt in her face.
92. I will not use car windshields as slides when I have muddy feet.
93. I will not knock my toys under the refrigerator.
94. I will not swim in the toilet/bathtub/dirty dish water.
95. I will not climb my human's leg to get tuna fish.
96. I will not sleep on my human's head.
97. I will not sleep under the blanket on the couch so that people sit on me.
98. I will not reset my human's alarm clock by walking on it.
99. I will not climb on top of the garbage can with the hinged lid, as I will
fall in and trap myself.
100. I will not get stuck in rolled up newspapers.
101. I will not stalk my neighbor's cocker spaniel and scare it half to death.
102. I will not round up my neighbour's sheep.
(Hard to believe, but earlier this year I found N.D.F., one of our big
black and white males, had rounded up one neighbour's flock of fifty sheep
into a corner of their paddock. He didn't seem to know what to do with
them next, so I left him to it...)
103. I will not put my lovely new rabbits foot in Mummie's roller pan when it
is filled with nice pink paint AND expect her to throw it for me so I can
fetch it.
104. I will not interfere with the broom when my human is sweeping the floor.
105. I will not sink my claws into Mom's shoulder to get better traction for a
jump.
106. I will not knock pennies off the nightstand at 3 AM in order to get
Mom's attention.
107. Mom's dirty undies belong in the laundry pile, not in the middle of
the living room floor or next to my food dish.
108. Mom will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.
109. I will not jump on the toilet seat just as my human is sitting down.
110. Now that I'm neutered, I will no longer chase and mount the spayed female
cats.
111. I will not play the game "tiger attack" when mommy is weeding the garden.
112. I will not steal mom's pendant and hide it under the pillow.
113. Pipe cleaners are for pipestems and are not kitty toys.
114. Bundles of pipe cleaners are not Santa's gift bag.
115. I will not raid the ashtray for used pipe cleaners.
116. I will not steal the scrubpad from the sink and drag it all over the
house.
117. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt
to catch them.
118. I will not knock the area rugs all over the hardwood floor.
119. I will not upset the recycling bin all over the kitchen floor.
120. I will not remove all the nifty shiny things from the jewelery box on
top of the five-foot tall clothes dresser.
121. Mommy's breasts are not pillows that need fluffing.
122. The living room is not a jungle gym with walls and curtains to be climbed.
123. I will cover my "presents" in the litter-box.
124. I realize that the house is not a prison, from which to escape at any
opportunity.
125. I will not trip mommy or daddy on the way to the kitchen, even if they are
walking too slow.
126. Open windows are not meant to be jumped out of.
127. Morning wake-up calls for breakfast will be more polite.
128. I won't be grumpy anymore when being moved from the toilet lid ... my
favorite place to nap.
129. Scratching posts were meant to be used, not laughed at.
130. The vet is a friend.
131. Christmas ornaments are not toys.
132. Lit candles can burn me if I get too curious.
133. I realize that you are not trying to get away from me when you close the
bathroom door, so I won't open it [especially] when we have guests.
134. I will not zip out the front door when the delivery man comes and the
house guest answers the door, and then is forced to run all over the
neighborhood chasing the 'cat on the run' in her house coat.
135. I will not attack whatever dog comes innocently sniffing around the
bushes at the front of the house.
136. I will not use the nicely carved kitchen table leg or the kitchen drawers
as my scratching post.
137. I will not go to the linen closet to do my washing up when I come muddy
and wet from my outing.
138. I am not an alarm clock and am not obligated to wake the humans.
139. I don't ALWAYS have to be the centre of attention.
140. The roof is not a racetrack for cats (or crows).
141. My human does not need rescuing from the bath.
142. Taking a bath is not dangerous for my human.
143. The doctor on a housecall does not need assistance. His bag is not the
perfect hiding place.
144. A loaf of unbaked bread is not my pillow (ours once slept on the dough
made into bread and left to rise on the kitchen counter).
145. The outer windowsills, on floors 3 and above, are not good playing
grounds. (Ours fell down 4 floors, limped a couple of days afterwards).
146. My human and her friends can sing without my assistance (a Siamese wailing
is quite something.)
147. Having my claws trimmed is a good thing and doesn't hurt, so I shouldn't
struggle.
148. I will not lick at the faucet to encourage my human to turn on the
drinking water.
149. I will not demonstrate my intelligence by playing with the alarm clock
and a) turning on the alarm in the middle of the night, b) turning off
the alarm so my human doesn't wake up, c) changing the time. If I do
this, my human will be angry, not impressed.
150. My human is a good gardener, and the plants do not need extra fertilizer.
151. I will not chew the corners off my human's books/comics.
152. Looking adorable after misbehaving will not negate my crime.
153. I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder
(with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly
in. (My eldest cat has done this for *years*...)
154. The cockatiel *likes* to be left in his cage.
155. The cockatiel cage is not an indoor tree.
156. Walking around the house with cockatiel feathers in my mouth is not funny.
157. Running down a ladder head first is a silly thing to do. (Again, my
eldest cat has done this for years too, and often misses a rung and ends
up hanging onto one rung with her front paws with the rest of her
swinging in the breeze.)
158. The German Shepherd is not to be ridden on or attacked at random.
(Again, my eldest did this for years, until the dog died...)
159. The bed is not "home free."
160. I will not jump off the top of the cat tree onto the bed and/or its
occupants.
161. No matter how much I rub against it, the squirt gun is not my friend.
162. If I beg for food I will eat it.
163. I will not try to taste the gerbils when Mom is holding one.
164. Fish that jump out of the tank are not toys.
165. Snakes do not taste good.
166. I will play with the humans when they want, not when I want.
167. I will not fight over the catnip.
168. I will not steal the other cat's toys.
169. I will not destroy a toy the first time I play with it.
170. There are better ways to "punish" the human than whizzing on something.
171. I will not play "Charge of the Light Brigade" with the other cat in the
hallway at 3 a.m.
172. I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
173. I will not ignore my new toy only to suddenly find it interesting at 3 AM.
174. I will not leap onto visiting grandmother's shoulders by catapulting
myself from the back of a chair after getting a running start from across
the room. (Yes, my cat actually performed this circus stunt, almost
sending my grandmother into coronary care)
175. I will not open the window coverings and cause the unclothed human to
flash his/her neighbors. (The little scamp likes to play on the window
sill with the vertical blinds and has done this to me.)
176. I will not scoop the water from my bowl (and wonder why my paw is wet!)
177. I will allow the human to get back to sleep after he goes to the bathroom.
178. I will not pull dirty socks out of the laundry basket and a) leave them
artfully scattered around the house when my Mom brings guests home, or
b) soak them in my water dish and leave them on my Mom's pillow.
179. I will not shred the kitchen sponge all over the carpet.
180. I will not chew holes in the bags of clean kitty litter and spread it on
the floor.
181. Vases of flowers are not food.
182. I will not shred the Bad Kitty List when my human (it's creator!) leaves
it lying on his desk.

Many thanks to the following contributors:

Harold Reynolds harold@atm.dal.ca
rde@ukc.ac.uk (Bob Eager) violet@bnr.ca (Debbie Nunn)
Jamie J Ferguson kkv@inel.gov Matt Thompson [shazam@unh.edu]
mfaville@waikato.ac.nz (Marty) howells@MIT.EDU (Nancy Howells)
Adam Beneschan [adam@irvine.com] Paul Fahn [fahn@CS.Stanford.EDU]
ALUKKA@luoti.lut.fi (Anita Lukka) Debbie Schwartz [das@halcyon.com]
npm@netcom.com (Nancy P. Milligan) John C. Stomieroski jzs@genrad.com
Elisabeth Riba [lis@cs.brandeis.edu] Karen.UREL@mac.dev.upenn.edu (Karen)
hendrix@acpub.duke.edu (Amy Hendrix) Julie Kangas julie@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov
gw18@prism.gatech.edu (Greg Williams) arteaga@cs.UMD.EDU (Santiago Arteaga)
sclark@epas.utoronto.ca (Susan Clark) annet@microlithics.com (Anne Threston)
rogers@calamari.hi.com (Andrew Rogers) krissie@kaiwan.com (krissie griffiths)
jil@donuts0.bellcore.com (Jamie Lubin) ehlen@tecsun1.tec.army.mil (Judy Ehlen)
Paul.Osmond@med.umich.edu (Paul Osmond) Didi Pancake [ehp@poe.acc.virginia.edu]
Lynne Nishihara [VECTR01Q@VAX.CSUN.EDU]
lm03@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (LINDA E. MUCKEY)
Heather Kalisiak kalisiak@cs.buffalo.edu
ccd@ccadfa.cc.adfa.oz.au (Carol C Denehy)
"Christopher Palma" [cpalma@astro.psu.edu]
Lucinda Rasmussen [lrasmuss@PICA.ARMY.MIL]
ramirez@julia.math.ucla.edu (Alice Ramirez)
lisa sheard [LSHEARD@MIAMIU.ACS.MUOHIO.EDU]
levine@symcom.math.uiuc.edu (Lenore Levine)
dlh5069@venus.tamu.edu (HEDRICK, DANIEL LEE)
Becky Birchmeier [REBIRCHM@zebu.cvm.msu.edu]
Sonja_Chichak@mindlink.bc.ca (Sonja Chichak)
feldman@manowar.crd.ge.com (Sandra F Feldman)
karens@lobster.sid.mcet.edu (Karen Schlosberg)
IO10381@MAINE.caps.maine.edu (Ruth Desjardins)
Gary Koerzendorfer [garyk@hpsidjar.sid.hp.com]
Christopher Lee Bates [IO20807@MAINE.MAINE.EDU]
Alison Rosenstengel [checkers@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu]
Colleen_Penrowley@mindlink.bc.ca (Colleen Penrowley)
Erica Nielsen [enielsen@undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca]
"Paul J. Ste. Marie" [pstemari@satori.well.sf.ca.us]
Cheshire Cat/Leslie Devlin [kikun@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu]
hksru@usho82.hou281.chevron.com (Kathie Rupert-Wayne)
RENE ZANDBERGEN [rzandber%esoc.bitnet@utcc.utoronto.ca]
mlopusha@slate.Mines.Colorado.EDU (LOPUSHANSKY MICHAEL JAMES)
news@its.csiro.au Organization: CSIRO ITS (Catkin - Australia)

BAD HUMAN!

This is the reverse of the "Bad Kitty!" list. That is, what would your cat(s)
make you write on the chalkboard after committing a "crime"?
Send your suggestions to harold@atm.dal.ca.
NOTE: As of November 1, this list will be posted every 2 weeks (or so).
First posting: October 8, 1993. Last Update: November 1, 1993.

1. I will not laugh when my master chases her tail.
2. I will be ready to play whenever my master is.
3. I will not let my master in/out "when I feel like it".
4. There must always be food in my master's dish.
5. I will graciously accept the wildlife offerings from my master.
6. I will watch where I put my big feet.
7. I will not fuss when my master is patrolling the table/kitchen counter/
dresser for prey.
8. I will not chase my master with the awful noisy vacuum cleaner.
9. I will supply my master with toys and will not begrudge him if he decides
to find some new ones on his own.
10. I will not move my master no matter where she decides to sleep.
11. I will share any can of tunafish that is opened.
12. I will not make fun of my master's weight.
13. I will not stick my finger in master's mouth when she yawns.
14. I will keep the master's litter box as clean (cleaner than) the human's
bathroom.
15. I will be sure that my masters are comfortable in bed, only then will I
arrange myself around the available space.
16. I will provide only the choicest morsels for the master's bowl, not
poultry scraps.
17. I will take thousands of pictures of my masters, and show them
to everyone I ever meet.
18. When my master is sleeping on some portion of my anatomy, I will not
disturb him or her by getting up to attend to such mundane matters as
answering the telephone or going to the bathroom.
19. I will not complain when my master steps on the break key, or settles
down on the computer keyboard.
20. I will not come home smelling of other cats or (even worse!) dogs.
21. I will not move my hand while my master is busy washing it.
22. I will change my masters' litterbox at the first sign of stink, not
when they have to get the point across by whizzing on the comforter.
23. I will gladly roll onto my other side when my master paws me on the cheek
at 3:30 am so she can "snuggle."
24. I will not "fraternize" with other cats.
25. I will not assume my master is done reading the newspaper just because
she/he is no longer looking at it or just because I am done with that page.
27. I will not assume my master doesn't like whatever is in the can I am
opening.
28. I will not surprise my master my kissing her while she is sleeping.
29. I will not brush my master when he jumps up on my lap just to be petted.
30. I will not spike my master's food with medicine.
31. Attempting to hide catnip from your master is useless, so don't bother.
32. I will not ignore my master's signs to tell me when to start/stop petting,
cuddling, playing, etc., no matter how subtle they are.
33. I will not talk on the phone when my master wants me stare at her and
talk nicely to her.
34. I will not answer the phone when I come home if I haven't fed my master yet.
35. I will *not* pet my master while she's taking her bath!!
36. I *will* feed my master on demand. I will *feed* my master on demand.
I will feed my master on *demand*.
37. I will not talk on the phone unless my master gets a chance to say "hi".
38. I will get an ice cube and throw it on the floor whenever my master
requests one.
39. I will share the spicy bean dip with my master.
40. I won't shove my master out of the middle of the bed.
41. I will not weigh Taboo.
43. I will retrieve all the foil balls and toys from under the sofa and
refrigerator each and every day.
44. I will change the litter at least once per day.
45. I will feed my master all he can gorge.
46. I will *not* go to work and leave the kitties alone all day.
47. I will leave the lingerie drawer open so that my master may strew my undies
around the apartment for his amusement.
48. I will not close the bathroom door thus separating myself, however
momentarily, from my master.
49. I will let the kitties play with the hamster.
50. I will not place my *insignificant* belongings on the royal resting
places (aka coffee tables, nightstands, and dressers), nor scold my
master when (s)he pushes them off.
51. I will not rush at my master when she is concentrating on balancing on the
inch wide balcony rail 25 feet in the air to see how the dog and I react.
52. I will not pull my master out of the trash bin when she is busy inspecting
its contents.
53. I will refill the water bowl no matter how many times my master tips it
over.
54. I will leave the potting soil where it belongs -- on the floor.
55. I will leave the toilet seat up so my master can investigate.
56. I will let my master sleep on my notes as I'm trying to study. (I'm sure I
can read through the fur if I try hard enough!)
57. I will not turn on the water when my master is napping in the sink.
58. I will let my master chase my highlighter as I'm trying to highlight texts.
59. I will not highlight my master's nose and ears in fashionable neon colors.
60. I will not de-flea my sister's new master in my master's bathroom and
expect my master to forgive me right away.
61. I will not try to ignore my master when she comes over to join my phone
conversation, because since no one else is in the room, I must be talking to
her. (Who would *really* be talking to a piece of plastic anyway?)
62. The human will not stare at the master while she is doing her business,
however, the master is permitted to stare at the human in various states
of undress and/or physical activity.
63. The human will not say "Ewwww gross" when the master sneezes and then
licks the snots off her fur.

Many thanks to the following contributors:

Harold Reynolds harold@atm.dal.ca
kolling@adobe.com (Karen Kolling)
Petra.Hinds@admin.utas.edu.au (Pet)
sclark@epas.utoronto.ca (Susan Clark)
Alex Johnson aljohnso@zebu.cvm.msu.edu
Christopher Palma [cpalma@astro.psu.edu]
IO10381@MAINE.maine.edu (Ruth Desjardins)
loscarle@zebu.cvm.msu.edu (SCARLETT, LORI)
bergmann@sophia.smith.edu (Merrie Bergmann)
Becky Birchmeier [REBIRCHM@zebu.cvm.msu.edu]
Lisa Loeffler loeffll@instruction.CS.ORST.EDU
karens@lobster.sid.mcet.edu (Karen Schlosberg)
allender@aristotle.ils.nwu.edu (Laura Allender)
Paul J. Ste. Marie [pstemari@satori.well.sf.ca.us]
jenn@convex1.TCS.Tulane.EDU (Jennifer R. Accettola)
npm@netcom.com (npm@netcom.com) (Nancy from San Diego, California)

Article: 36225 of rec.pets.cats
From: burtch@selway.umt.edu (Vickie Burtch)
Subject: Basic Rules for Cats...
Organization: University of Montana
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 21:19:12 GMT

So now we all know why they do what they do...

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on
hind legs and hammer with forpaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary
to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway
in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important
during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

2. CHAIRS and RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you
cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug,
shag is good.

3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap.
If you can arrange for a particular bad "tuna breath", so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which
contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black
wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.

For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain,
apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.

When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look
surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal
that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything
-- just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" otherwise known
as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":

a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and
then picked up and comforted.

b. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless
you can lie across the book itself.

c. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important
part. Pretend to doze, but every so othen reach out and slap the pencil or
knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you, ignore it. Remember,
the aim is to hamper work.

5. PLAY: It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh
for playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill" on the human's bed between 2
and 4 AM.

Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth running household.
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are
consistent.

Some might have problems with msn, so just use the software.

English Phrase / Chinese Translation

1. "That's not right"............... Sum Ting Wong

2. "Are you harboring a fugitive?".. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3. "See me ASAP".................... Kum Hia Nao

4. "There goes Stupid Man".......... Dum Dum Wa King

5. "Small Horse".................... Tai Ni Po Ni

6. "Did you go to the beach?"....... Wai Yu So Tan

7. "I bumped into a coffee table"... Ai Bang Mai Ni

8. "I think you need a face lift"... Chin Tu Fat

9. "It's very dark in here"......... Wao So Dim

10. "I thought you were on a diet".. Wai Yu Mun Ching

11. "This is a tow away zone"....... No Pah King

12. "Our meeting is next week"...... Wai Yu Kum Nao

13. "Staying out of sight!"......... Lei Ying Lo

14. "He's cleaning his automobile".. Wa Shing Ka

15. "Your body odor is offensive"... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16. "Great"......................... Su Pah

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good). We always hear "the rules" from the female point of view... Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

We finish last of all schools, even from other cities... but at least tomorrow's our last exam day. We're writing at a subject that has parts of books, texts, poems etc. and analyse them. But I don't know what to read for tomorrow, they didn't say what pages to read for the exams! and the whole book is like 550 pages. I guess I ain't gonna study for tomorrow :P After all, it's not that important subject.
Just wanted to say it. Bye y'all. C ya tomorrow maybe

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN 'EM

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE


And for the grand finale:

(Former) PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
It can be rearranged (With no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or
you will have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will
roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched
is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss, you were late
for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now
(Works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in
water and covered with soap, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting
someone you know increases when you are with someone with whom you do not want to be seen.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone
that a machine will not work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats
are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of
hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will l ast until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a
floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you do not know about what you are talking.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it is ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you
really like, they will stop making it.

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.
Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, protractor, T square, slide rule and calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He
did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions
by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of
absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3
sides
to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have
given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they
could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
president.