When Mr. Grumwald answered the door late in the evening, one day after he had lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Grumwald, but we have some information about your wife." "Well . . . So, tell me." Mr. Grumwald demanded. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Grumwald said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay." "Oh, my God," said Mr. Grumwald, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good-sizeed Dungeoness crabs on her." "What? Huh?" Mr. Grumwald said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?" The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
Is it an even or an odd number?
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman . . . Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says, "You take the first drink," then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?" The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police . . ."
A policeman stops a lady and asks her for her driver's license and registration. The cop says, "Lady, it says here on your license that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket anyway."
Having a car accident can be a confusing experience for many people, especially when asked to write down the details of the accident in a few well-chosen words. The following words were chosen by drivers in the summaries purportedly submitted to police when asked. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went into the bush with just his rear-end showing. I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep and had the accident. I had been learning to drive with power-steering. I turned the wheel, what I thought was enough, and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way. I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before. I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull. I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the highway when I struck him. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's lap. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of it's path, when it struck my front end. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obstructing my vision. I did not see the other car. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.
After being arrested by the police, and going through the legal system, three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in jail. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and brushes and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, blackjack and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The third guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."
Fred at last could see a way of making a fortune. He had trained his parrot, after month of hard work, to tell jokes. At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work, and took the parrot down to his pub. "This is my incredible joke-telling parrot," boasted Fred. "Go on," jeered the pub regulars. "We'll give you ten to one that your parrot can't tell us a joke." "All right," replied Fred. "I accept your bet." But try as he could, Fred was unable to make the parrot talk, let alone tell jokes. On the way home Fred shook the bird and shouted: "What do you mean by keeping quiet? You made me lose a ten to one bet!" "Don't worry!" squawked the parrot. "Tomorrow you'll be able to get fifty to one."
3,14 is the number
Use reverse psychology...
Hooray for the drunk ones...
A man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo some tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we have found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!" "Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." replied the doctor. "Will that cure me?" asked the man. The doctor replied, "Well no, but, it's the only food we can slide under the door."
A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!" The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint. Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee. When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face -first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Vince." "Who?" asked the man. "Vince Sabio. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Vince every single time." The man replied, "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."replied the cabbie. "He was something, huh?" asked the man. "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." added the cab driver. "No wonder you remember him." remarked the man. "Well, I never actually met Vince." said the cabbie. "Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the man. The cab driver answered, "I married his widow."
My sig was removed because it was 501 kb instead of 500 kb?
Well then... hi Frodis :)
Who's Frodis?
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:, A carton of milk, A carton of eggs, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly >stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that? "The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
It may take a little while to load, run the cursor around like mad in the circle, then stop, heheheee, and have the sound on - http://www.1-click.jp/
David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watching her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck. David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David' s head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
