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1. No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats.

2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3-yr-old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

8. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

9. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

10. School lunches stick to the wall.

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

12. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

13. The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

http://www.gofish.com:80/player.gfp?gfid=30-1040218

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We start at #10

Total existence failure
Current feasibility rating: 0/10
You will need: nothing

Method: No method. Simply sit back and twiddle your thumbs as, completely by chance, all 200,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 atoms making up the planet Earth suddenly, simultaneously and spontaneously cease to exist. Note: the odds against this actually ever occurring are considerably greater than a googolplex to one. Failing this, some kind of arcane (read: scientifically laughable) probability-manipulation device may be employed.

Utter, utter rubbish.


#9

Gobbled up by strangelets
Feasibility rating: 1/10
You will need: a stable strangelet

Method: Hijack control of the Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider in Brookhaven National Laboratory, Long Island, New York. Use the RHIC to create and maintain a stable strangelet. Keep it stable for as long as it takes to absorb the entire Earth into a mass of strange quarks. Keeping the strangelet stable is incredibly difficult once it has absorbed the stabilizing machinery, but creative solutions may be possible.

A while back, there was some media hoo-hah about the possibility of this actually happening at the RHIC, but in actuality the chances of a stable strangelet forming are pretty much zero.

Earth's final resting place: a huge glob of strange matter.


#8

Sucked into a microscopic black hole
Feasibility rating: 2/10

You will need: a microscopic black hole. Note that black holes are not eternal, they evaporate due to Hawking radiation. For your average black hole this takes an unimaginable amount of time, but for really small ones it could happen almost instantaneously, as evaporation time is dependent on mass. Therefore you microscopic black hole must have greater than a certain threshold mass, roughly equal to the mass of Mount Everest. Creating a microscopic black hole is tricky, since one needs a reasonable amount of neutronium, but may possibly be achievable by jamming large numbers of atomic nuclei together until they stick. This is left as an exercise to the reader.

Method: simply place your black hole on the surface of the Earth and wait. Black holes are of such high density that they pass through ordinary matter like a stone through the air. The black hole will plummet through the ground, eating its way to the center of the Earth and all the way through to the other side: then, it'll oscillate back, over and over like a matter-absorbing pendulum. Eventually it will come to rest at the core, having absorbed enough matter to slow it down. Then you just need to wait, while it sits and consumes matter until the whole Earth is gone.

Highly, highly unlikely. But not impossible.

Earth's final resting place: a singularity of almost zero size, which will then proceed to happily orbit the Sun as normal.

Source: "The Dark Side Of The Sun," by Terry Pratchett. It is true that the microscopic black hole idea is an age-old science fiction mainstay which predates Pratchett by a long time, he was my original source for the idea, so that's what I'm putting.


#7

Blown up by matter/antimatter reaction
Feasibility rating: 5/10
You will need: 2,500,000,000,000 tons of antimatter

Antimatter - the most explosive substance possible - can be manufactured in small quantities using any large particle accelerator, but this will take some considerable time to produce the required amounts. If you can create the appropriate machinery, it may be possible - and much easier - simply to "flip" 2.5 trillion tons of matter through a fourth dimension, turning it all to antimatter at once.

Method: This method involves detonating a bomb so big that it blasts the Earth to pieces.

How hard is that?

The gravitational binding energy of a planet of mass M and radius R is - if you do the lengthy calculations - given by the formula E=(3/5)GM^2/R. For Earth, that works out to roughly 224,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Joules. The Sun takes nearly a WEEK to output that much energy. Think about THAT.

To liberate that much energy requires the complete annihilation of around 2,500,000,000,000 tonnes of antimatter. That's assuming zero energy loss to heat and radiation, which is unlikely to be the case in reality: You'll probably need to up the dose by at least a factor of ten. Once you've generated your antimatter, probably in space, just launch it en masse towards Earth. The resulting release of energy (obeying Einstein's famous mass-energy equation, E=mc^2) should be sufficient to split the Earth into a thousand pieces.

Earth's final resting place: A second asteroid belt around the Sun.

Earliest feasible completion date: AD 2500. Of course, if it does prove possible to manufacture antimatter in the sufficiently large quantities you require - which is not necessarily the case - then smaller antimatter bombs will be around long before then.


#6

Destroyed by vacuum energy detonation
Feasibility rating: 5/10
You will need: a light bulb

Method: This is a fun one. Contemporary scientific theories tell us that what we may see as vacuum is only vacuum on average, and actually thriving with vast amounts of particles and antiparticles constantly appearing and then annihilating each other. It also suggests that the volume of space enclosed by a light bulb contains enough vacuum energy to boil every ocean in the world. Therefore, vacuum energy could prove to be the most abundant energy source of any kind. Which is where you come in. All you need to do is figure out how to extract this energy and harness it in some kind of power plant - this can easily be done without arousing too much suspicion - then surreptitiously allow the reaction to run out of control. The resulting release of energy would easily be enough to annihilate all of planet Earth and probably the Sun too.

Slightly possible.

Earth's final resting place: a rapidly expanding cloud of particles of varying size.

Earliest feasible completion date: 2060 or so.

Source: "3001: The Final Odyssey," by Arthur C. Clarke


#5

Sucked into a giant black hole
Feasibility rating: 6/10
You will need: a black hole, extremely powerful rocket engines, and, optionally, a large rocky planetary body. The nearest black hole to our planet is 1600 light years from Earth in the direction of Sagittarius, orbiting V4641.

Method: after locating your black hole, you need get it and the Earth together. This is likely to be the most time-consuming part of this plan. There are two methods, moving Earth or moving the black hole, though for best results you'd most likely move both at once.

Very difficult, but definitely possible.

Earth's final resting place: part of the mass of the black hole.

Earliest feasible completion date: I do not expect the necessary technology to be available until AD 3000, and add at least 800 years for travel time. (That's in an external observer's frame of reference and assuming you move both the Earth and the black hole at the same time.)

Sources: "The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy," by Douglas Adams; SPACE.com


#4

Meticulously and systematically deconstructed
Feasibility rating: 6/10
You will need: a powerful mass driver, or ideally lots of them; ready access to roughly 2*10^32J

Method: Basically, what we're going to do here is dig up the Earth, a big chunk at a time, and boost the whole lot of it into orbit. Yes. All six sextillion tons of it. A mass driver is a sort of oversized electromagnetic railgun, which was once proposed as a way of getting mined materials back from the Moon to Earth - basically, you just load it into the driver and fire it upwards in roughly the right direction. We'd use a particularly powerful model - big enough to hit escape velocity of 11 kilometers per second even after atmospheric considerations - and launch it all into the Sun or randomly into space.

Alternate methods for boosting the material into space include loading the extracted material into space shuttles or taking it up via space elevator. All these methods, however, require a - let me emphasize this - titanic quantity of energy to carry out. Building a Dyson sphere ain't gonna cut it here. (Note: Actually, it would. But if you have the technology to build a Dyson sphere, why are you reading this?) See No. 6 for a possible solution.

If we wanted to and were willing to devote resources to it, we could start this process RIGHT NOW. Indeed, what with all the gunk left in orbit, on the Moon and heading out into space, we already have done.

Earth's final resting place: Many tiny pieces, some dropped into the Sun, the remainder scattered across the rest of the Solar System.

Earliest feasible completion date: Ah. Yes. At a billion tons of mass driven out of the Earth's gravity well per second: 189,000,000 years.

Source: this method arose when Joe Baldwin and I knocked our heads together by accident.


#3

Pulverized by impact with blunt instrument
Feasibility rating: 7/10.
You will need: a big heavy rock, something with a bit of a swing to it... perhaps Mars

Method: Essentially, anything can be destroyed if you hit it hard enough. ANYTHING. The concept is simple: find a really, really big asteroid or planet, accelerate it up to some dazzling speed, and smash it into Earth, preferably head-on but whatever you can manage. The result: an absolutely spectacular collision, resulting hopefully in Earth (and, most likely, our "cue ball" too) being pulverized out of existence - smashed into any number of large pieces which if the collision is hard enough should have enough energy to overcome their mutual gravity and drift away forever, never to coagulate back into a planet again.

A brief analysis of the size of the object required can be found here. Falling at the minimal impact velocity of 11 kilometers per second and assuming zero energy loss to heat and other energy forms, the cue ball would have to have roughly 60% of the mass of the Earth. Mars, the next planet out, "weighs" in at about 11% of Earth's mass, while Venus, the next planet in and also the nearest to Earth, has about 81%. Assuming that we would fire our cue ball into Earth at much greater than 11km/s (I'm thinking more like 50km/s), either of these would make great possibilities.

Obviously a smaller rock would do the job, you just need to fire it faster. A 10,000,000,000,000-tonne asteroid at 90% of light speed would do just as well. See the Guide to moving Earth for useful information on maneuvering big hunks of rock across interplanetary distances.

Pretty plausible.

Earth's final resting place: a variety of roughly Moon-sized chunks of rock, scattered haphazardly across the greater Solar System.

Earliest feasible completion date: AD 2500, maybe?

Source: This method suggested by Andy Kirkpatrick


#2

Eaten by von Neumann machines
Feasibility rating: 8/10
You will need: a single von Neumann machine

Method: A von Neumann machine is any device that is capable of creating an exact copy of itself given nothing but the necessary raw materials. Create one of these that subsists almost entirely on iron, magnesium, aluminum and silicon, the major elements found in Earth's mantle and core. It doesn't matter how big it is as long as it can reproduce itself exactly in any period of time. Release it into the ground under the Earth's crust and allow it to fend for itself. Watch and wait as it creates a second von Neumann machine, then they create two more, then they create four more. As the population of machines doubles repeatedly, the planet Earth will, terrifyingly soon, be entirely eaten up and turned into a swarm of potentially sextillions of machines. Technically your objective would now be complete - no more Earth - but if you want to be thorough then you can command your VNMs to hurl themselves, along with any remaining trace elements, into the Sun. This hurling would have to be achieved using rocket propulsion of some sort, so be sure to include this in your design.

So crazy it might just work.

Earth's final resting place: the bodies of the VNMs themselves, then a small lump of iron sinking into the Sun.

Earliest feasible completion date: Potentially 2045-2050, or even earlier.

Source: "2010: Odyssey Two," by Arthur C. Clarke


AND #1

Hurled into the Sun
Feasibility rating: 9/10
You will need: Earthmoving equipment

Method: Hurl the Earth into the Sun. Sending Earth on a collision course with the Sun is not as easy as one might think; even though you don't actually have to literally hit the Sun (send the Earth near enough to the Sun (within the Roche limit), and tidal forces will tear it apart), it's surprisingly easy to end up with Earth in a loopy elliptical orbit which merely roasts it for four months in every eight. But careful planning can avoid this.

This is impossible at our current technological level, but will be possible one day, I'm certain. In the meantime, may happen by freak accident if something comes out of nowhere and randomly knocks Earth in precisely the right direction. Earth's final resting place: a small globule of vaporized iron sinking slowly into the heart of the Sun.

Earliest feasible completion date: Via act of God: 25 years' time. Any earlier and we'd have already spotted the asteroid in question. Via human intervention: given the current level of expansion of space technology, 2250 at best.

Source: "Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers," by Grant Naylor

Page Source:
http://www.livescience.com/technology/10ways_destroyearth.html

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

http://JoeSchwartz.net

The results are very accurate... amazing...

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which pateints should be kept in.
the director said "well it's simple, we fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon,
a bucket and a teacup then ask them to empty the bath."
"ahh" the visitor said, "i see, so a normal person would choose a bucket then because its the biggest"
the director said "no, a normal person would take the plug out, erm would you like a bed by the window?"

A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth
extraction. "£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied. "£85!!!
Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £5 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an
anesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the
price could drop to £40"
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the
extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5,
but it's going to be very traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman."
"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

I know this will result in something bad for me.


-Lost in the Abyss- ~ DA

A man walks into a bar with a gym bag over his shoulder. He sits down
and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks
what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little
man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a small piano and puts it on
the counter as well. He reaches into the bag for the third time and
pulls out a tiny piano stool, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful
piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by once again reaching into the bag. This time he pulls
out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here, rub
this."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a huge puff of
smoke and a genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish.
Just one wish .. each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says,

"Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million
bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12
inch pianist?"

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

http://users.skynet.be/bk258512/idiot_test.swf

Are celebrities really dumber than the rest of us, or do they simply have more opportunities to prove their intellectual deficiencies for everyone to see? Whichever it is, it takes a special sort to show up on this list more than once, an honor reserved for the likes of Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, and the President of the United States of America.



# 37 “I’m so smart now. Everyone’s always like ‘take your top off.’ Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I’m not stupid.†— Paris Hilton


# 36 “What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff?†— Paris Hilton


# 35 “The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone.†— Michael Jackson


# 34 “If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.†— Cyndi Lauper


# 33 “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost an important part of your life.†— Brooke Shields


# 32 “[I hope] my child will be a good Catholic like me.†— Madonna


# 31 “It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.†— Axl Rose


# 30 “I’d rather be dead than singing Satisfaction when I’m forty-five.†— Mick Jagger


# 29 “It’s not that I dislike many people. It’s just that I don’t like many people.†— Bryant Gumbel


# 28 “I look at [modeling] as something I’m doing for black people in general.†— model Naomi Campbell


# 27 “When I’m really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesn’t look at me, he’s probably gay.†— Kathleen Turner


# 26 “When you say I committed adultery, are you stating before the marriage of 1996 or prior to?†— former Dallas Cowboys cornerback Deion Sanders


# 25 “We are going to turn this team around 360 degrees.†— NBA player Jason Kidd


# 24 “Listening to a woman is almost as bad as losing to one. There are only three things that women are better at than men: cleaning, cooking, and having sex.†— Charles Barkley


# 23 “If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it’s Big Business.†— Donald Trump


# 22 “You know, it really doesn’t matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.†— Donald Trump


# 21 “He speaks English, Spanish, and he’s bilingual too.†— Don King


# 20 “From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I’ve ever seen on a running back.†— John Madden


# 19 “Predictions are difficult, especially about the future.†— Yogi Berra


# 18 “The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.†— Joe Theismann


# 17 “I don’t think anybody should write his autobiography until after he’s dead.†— Samuel Goldwyn


# 16 “I never get bored, because there’s always different puzzles, I’m wearing different clothes, there’s different contestants, there’s different prizes.†— Vanna White


# 15 “I was asked to come to Chicago because Chicago is one of our fifty-two states.†— Racquel Welch


# 14 “I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.†— Britney Spears


# 13 “I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.†— Britney Spears


# 12 “So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?†— Christina Aguilera


# 11 “I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.†— Alicia Silverstone


# 10 “I’ve got taste. It’s inbred in me.†— David Hasselhoff


# 9 “I cried over beauty, I cried over pain, and the other time I cried because I felt nothing. I can’t help it. I’m just a cliché of myself.†— Keanu Reeves


# 8 “I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.†— Jessica Simpson


# 7 “Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it’s tuna but it says chicken of the sea.†— Jessica Simpson


# 6 “I’m sounding worse than Jessica Simpson right now. She’s looking like a rock scientis— Tara Reid


# 5 “I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.†— Arnold Schwarzenegger


# 4 “I love California. I grew up in Phoenix.†— Dan Quayle


# 3 “You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.†— George W. Bush


# 2 “Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.†— George W. Bush


# 1 “Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?†— George W. Bush

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says
"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your
Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Can you name the 75 bands that are in the picture?

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got done for Drink Driving.

Officer: May I see the Vehicle Owners Documents for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.

Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Sargent. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Sargent approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Sargent: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Sargent: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Sargent: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Sargent: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Boot is opened; no body.

Sargent: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.


Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.