http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/body/interactives/senseschallenge/
Right now, at 4th of July (2008) I'm doing something very special... I'm waiting for the 5th of July to come.
What kind of work are you doing?
Daddy balloon and mummy balloon are asleep in bed. Baby balloon is trying to get into bed between them. He tries but finds he cannot get in so he lets a little bit of air out of daddy balloon. He still cant fit in so he lets out a little air from mummy balloon. Unfortunately he still cannot quite get in to bed. Finally he decides to let a little air out of himself and lo and behold he fits in. He falls asleep. In the morning daddy balloon wakes up and sees baby balloon. Daddy balloon is very angry and wakes up baby balloon and says:- I am not happy with you at all:- You have let me down, you have let your mummy down and worst of all you have let yourself down.....
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. The guy say's. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce". As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. "Where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir" the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really??" replied the boy. "What position does she play?"
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof -- and the horn -- and screamed in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection on his tail. She was still in mid-rant when she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a jailer approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. "I'm very sorry for the mistake," he tells her. "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away. For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him. Probably not the same elephant then.
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.Williams, I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you b*st*rds asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry as*es in jail for contempt."
Life or DEATH!! You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer: Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.
Two lawyers got together to negotiate a case. They went around and around for hours and didn't get anywhere. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." "Ok, you first," replied the other. And that, of course, was the end of the discussion. --- What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities. --- Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach? The cats keep covering them up with sand. --- Two lawyers are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman walking towards them. The first lawyer says, "See that woman? Boy would I love to screw her." The second lawyer says, "Out of what?"
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing, how beautiful John's room mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his room mate and this made her only more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the room mate than met the eye, Reading his Mum's thoughts, John volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just room mates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said "Ever Since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said "Well, I doubt it but I'll write her a letter just to be sure" So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother. I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle from my house and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner" Several days later John received a letter from his Mother which read. "Dear Son. I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie and I am not saying you do not sleep with Julie, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now." Love Mum Lesson of the day.... Don't lie to your Mother.
do not use msn imo, it's not worth the ram usage, and all the hassle that comes with the program. Use skype or xfire instead.
It doesn't matter if it's a good idea or not, but first check if there's a mod for the forums like what you suggest.
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...... 5. Ask if you can see his gun. 6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger. 7. Touch him. 8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 10. Refer to him by his first name. 11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 12. When he says no, cry. 13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood. 16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way. 17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first" 18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. 19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name." 20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. 21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!" 23. Trip and fall into him. 24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. 26. Chew on the pen, nervously. 27. Clean your ear with the pen. 28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar..... 30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 31. Act like you are ******ed. 32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 33. Mumble to yourself. 34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? 35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight....... 36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts. 37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! 38. Ask if he watches Cops. 39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. 40. Giggle if he did. 41. Talk to your hand. 42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. 43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does. 44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin. 45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it. 46. Try to sell him your car. 47. Ask if you can buy his car. 48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front. 49. Play with the siren. 50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner. 51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner 52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er. 53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle. 54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues. 55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. 56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing. 57. Turn your head and whistle. 58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that. 59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date. 60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. 61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!" 62. Tell him you like men in uniform. 63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman are wandering through the desert hungry and dehydrating, after a while they're crawling desperately along looking for something to drink... Scotsman : "Water" "Water" "Water" "Water" "Water" Irishman : "Water" "Water" "Water" "Water" "Water" Englishman : "Water" "Kettle" "Tea Bags" "Milk" "Sugar"
Ok, this is going a bit far..... Here's the guide... http://www011.upp.so-net.ne.jp/kat2/pc/ern005/ekana.htm
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones! Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife . . . . . . . . . . ......... .......... "Back off!! " she said, "They're for the funeral"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8kBE8Hny7M
