Coz you never know. http://www.kuro5hin.org/print/2005/4/18/153047/155
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse. "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him. The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room. The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, you should soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."
Captain Walley was one of the bravest British officers during the Spanish wars, and had a loyal crew that would fight to the death under his leadership. Preparing to go to war with the escalating Pirate problem, he takes on a few fresh recruits and heads out in search of the criminals at sea. On the first day entering dangerous waters... the look-out in the crows nest yells out: "Captain Walley! Pirate ship off the port bow!" The Captain calls out to the crew: "Steer into her! All men to Arms!" and he calls to a new recruit: "get me my red shirt!" the recruit fetches his red shirt, and within moments, a fierce battle begins and was quickly won. The victorious Captain Walley then beached the sacked Pirate ship and headed back off to continue the quest. Not a day later, a cry from the crows nest is heard again: "Captain Walley! "2" Pirate ships off the starboard bow!!" Without hesitation, Captain Walley calls out: " Steer between them and we board them together!" then calls out to a new recruit: get me my red shirt! the new recruit fetches the shirt once again, and as the captain is putting it on and preparing for battle, he asks him...." sir, may I ask why you always ask for your red shirt before a battle? The Captain says quitely... well, incase I were to be wounded during the sword-play, the blood would be less noticable on my shirt, and it's important for the moral of the crew that they not see me injured" The fight then errupts, and after much struggle, they are again victorious! Shortly after beaching the 2 ships and setting off, the ship is filled with the calls of the look-out: "Captain Walley!! .... there are "10 Pirate ships across the horizon!!" Captain Walley calls out : All hands on deck!! All men to Arms!! Let them come! he then wispers to the recruit: .....Get me my brown pants!
The match...
Shoot, you got it right!
First step is denial. j/k
A mother is 21 years older than the child. 6 years from now the mother will be 5 times as old as the child. Question: Where’s the father?
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh...no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had, no idea" And the lawyer says, So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it then slammed it shut, stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to the edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" "My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?" Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The grandma who's looking for her cat.
I'll PM it to you later.
Do you know the corresponding joke?
At dawn the telephone rings. Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thouroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!" Your mother's...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver." SILENCE.................... "Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired.!" :/ :/ :/ I'm bored
Need to kill some time? Then challenge this Site. Think of a any crap and the Site will try to guess what yer thinking of with simply asking questions about it. If it can guess what you're thinking of in less then 20 questions, you lose. http://y.20q.net/anon I had the sun in my mind, and the computer guessed it in 26 questions.
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Texas arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." ** Moral ** - Not all Texans are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Why do people yell "Look up!" when an object is heading towards you? Are they trying to make you get hit in the face? Where does the white go when snow melts? Does water float? Another word for synonym? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? Who tows the tow truck when it breaks? Why do they sterilize the syringes before they are used at executions in the US? When the canned dog food says that it's "with a new and improved taste", who has tasted and improved it? Why don't you get mouse-flavored cat food? Why is it that to shutdown windows you have to press "Start"? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why does hair get brighter from the sun while the skin gets darker? Who's ruthless idea was it to put an "s" in "lisp"? Why is the word "abbreviation" such a long word? Why do you press harder on the buttons of the remote control if the batteries are running out? Why do messages of power outages get sent on TV? Do tea-drinkers have coffee breaks? If you expect the unexpected, isn't the unexpected expected? where do you "throw" the dumpster when it needs to be thrown in the trash? How can a house burn up when it burns down? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? If Barbie is popular, why do you have to buy her friends? At what rate does darkness move? Why is the time where everything moves slowest called "rush hour"? In New York 311 people get bit by rats every year. However, 1519 people get bit by other New Yorkers. No one knows why, but 90% of all women go directly to their right when entering a shopping center or mall. A 4-year-old kid asks 437 questions on average. On most ads where there's a watch, the watch is set to 10:10am. On average 7.5% of all documents disappear from every office. The scientific term for picking your nose is rhinotillexonamia. The glue on Israeli postal stamps are Kosher approved. King Kong was Adolf Hitler's favorite movie. 5% of all adults sleep walk. If you sell every usable part of your body you can make $75 million. Mosquitoes always fall on to their right side if they become intoxicated. If every inhabitant of China walked past you single file the queue would continue for all eternity if you include reproduction. In China there are more English speaking people than in the US. On average every Chocolate, apart from the chocolate, contains 8 pieces of insect legs. On average right-handed people live 9 years longer than left-handed people. There are no watches in the La's Vegas casinos. Europe and North America is moving away from each other at the same rate our finger nails grow. Bowling was invented in Egypt 5000 BC. The human body contains around 100,000,000,000,000 cells. On average there is 333 pieces of toilet paper on a roll. Colgate faced a huge challenge when trying to market their products in the Spanish speaking countries. That is because "Colgate" means "Go and hang yourself" in Spanish. Every Year 4,000 people get injured because of Tea Cans. All the sun light that hits the Earth in a single moment weighs as much as a Cruiser ship. In the US it has been illegal to send an entire house by mail since 1916 where a man sent his 40,000 ton brick house by mail to avoid the high freight costs. There was a time when Christmas was illegal in England. According to British law from 1845 if you try to commit suicide you will get the death penalty. What part of your body has the largest amount of bacteria? Between your teeth. The most popular time of day to experience a UFO sighting is a 11pm. 111,111,111 times 111,111,111 = 12.345.678.987.654.321 every time you lick a postal stamp you take in 1/10 calorie. KGB stands for Komitet Gosudarstevennoy Bezopasnosti Donald Duck's other name is Fauntleroy Turtles can inhale through their rump. Most of the dust in your own house comes from your own dead skin. King of Hearts is the only king without a mustache. No piece of paper can be bent over on the middle more than 7 times. Almost every lip stick contains Fish scales. 23% of all copy machine errors are happening because of people sitting on them when they are trying to take copies of their own behinds. "Sixth Sick Sheik's Sixth Sheep's Sick" is the hardest Tongue Twister in the English language. Horses cannot vomit. It's physically impossible for pigs to look up at the sky. A shrimp's heart is located in its head. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. The black lines in a bar code are equal to the number 1, the white spaces are equal to the number 0. Together they contain all the information you need on a good.
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=5387184590215489732 post your scores
Always remember to sit in your seat...
