Search Results

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

"Dr Hunter," complained the elderly patient, "when I get up in the morning I feel quite faint - and it lasts for up to an hour. What do you suggest?" "Hmmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully stroking his chin. "How about getting up an hour later?"

Okay, today I'm feeling a little sick so it's sick shi_t day today.

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."

There were two sausages in a pan. One sausage said, "Man, its hot in here!"
The other sausage said,
"Ahhh.... a talking sausage!" :D

I love Fridays

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, Fourteen! Fourtee! Fourteen!

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.


Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride , and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

Superman is at a loose end one night an decides to ring a couple of friends to go out for a drink and go on the pull. So he rings Spiderman but he's too busy spinning webs.
Then he rings Batman.
"Sorry Superman me and Robin are washing the bat mobile tonite."
So he rings Ice Man.
"Sorry Superman I've got a load of icebergs to make tonight they're all melting at the north pole."

So he thinks --CENSORED-- this I'll go for a fly round the world to pass some time on. He's flying over some corn fields when he sees Wonder Woman laying stark naked in the field with her legs wide open. He think's --CENSORED-- me this is too good of an opportunity to pass so he flies down in supersonic mode and shags her then flies off before she knows who it was.

Wonder Women gets up and says "Who the --CENSORED-- was that ?"
The Invisible Man says "I dont know but my arse is killing me !"

A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors, David, Darren and Daisy.

They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally.

Eventually Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren that she kills herself.

Sad for David and Darren, but they get over it and again nature takes it's cours.

After year's time the lads feel really bad about what they are doing....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
so they bury her.

...After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA, and the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."

A yorkshireman , a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the yorkshireman . Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the yorkshireman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the yorkshireman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the yorkshireman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.