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Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin'?"

Paddy says, "Not bad, but do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers. Me feet are f###in' freezin'."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's two gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
sitting on the bed.

He says, "Your da sent me up here to shag the both of you " .

They say ,"Get away wit' ya.. Prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy.... Both of 'em?"

Paddy shouts back "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of f#ckin' one?"

The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first
time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life?
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


New suit -- $400
New shirt -- $36
New underwear --$6
Second Opinion --PRICELESS

A: About three inches.

How many infractions someone can get before a ban?

But don't play it all day.

http://majman.net/fly_loader.html

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'






























'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

One but it takes four episodes to do so.

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well, yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a smack on the asre. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank **** for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

(Mods can edit this if they feel this needs to be edited)