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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
> >> decided to get married.
> >>
> >> There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
> >>
> >> My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-
> >> less.
> >>
> >> She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
> >>
> >> It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
> >>
> >> One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
> >>
> >> She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me
> >> that she couldn’t overcome.
> >>
> >> She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her
> >> sister.
> >>
> >> Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
> >>
> >> She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and
> >> get me.'
> >>
> >> I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
> >>
> >> I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
> >>
> >> I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
> >>
> >> Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
> >>
> >> With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have
> >> passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
> >>
> >> And the moral of this story is:
> >>
> >> Always keep your condoms in your car.

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring it,' says Les. 'I thought you packed it.'
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??'
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops
up from behind a rock and shouts........
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'I KNEW IT...I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!'