to create a Heartless, i think, the heart has to be consumed by darkness. Riku's heart wasnt consumed by darkness: there was still some light in it when he got forced out by Ansem SoD. so, he didnt become a Heartless, just a walking heart. i think in Final Mix 1, there was a cutscene where Mickey was talking to him, but he was glowing, which i think means he was just a walking heart. as for why he had no Nobody, at the end of KHI, he wasnt glowing anymore when he closed the Door. after Ansem SoD was destroyed, he left Riku's body, right? Riku's body didnt get destroyed too. i think that it returned to him, because he wasn't a Heartless.
Heya!! here's Chapter 3! im also done Chapter 4, so ill have that posted, probably tomorrow. just have to edit and such. enjoy!! Chapter 3 Decode Crawling out from the hole in the wall, Ferax blinked in the sunlight. The sky was a orange-red color that she had never seen before. A sunset, she reasoned, this is a sunset. Dusk, rather than dawn. She shuddered, excited at the new experience, then walked out into the town. As she did so, she contemplated what she had found in that mansion. A Nobody had died in that tunnel, leading from The World That Never Was to the mansion. It was most likely Number VIII, Axel, if the reports from Xemnas' rooms were to be believed. She had no idea what the large white pods – just big enough to hold a person each – were for, but she had found some data on a computer which might help. Found it, that is, once she had figured out how to leave the data world. The data she had printed off of the computer was mostly gibberish to her. Written in a code she didn't understand, there were few words she could read, most of them names. Riku and Sora came up frequently, as well as Roxas and Naminé. Roxas and Naminé. They had been part of the Organization, or as least Roxas had been. Naminé had been a puppet that the Organization had used, an action which held the disapproval of most of Despair Village. Beyond that, the only words she could find, and understand, were mostly updates on “percent completion”. Whoever had coded this, they were good. She was putting the papers back into her backpack when someone bumped into her from behind. She almost attacked, a product of good reflexes, before she realised that it was just three local teens. “Hey, watch it!” A blonde boy, younger than her but not by much, wearing a grey vest, black T-shirt and green camo pants stared at her for a moment. “You're not from around here, are you?” A girl shoved her elbow into the boy's ribs. “Hayner apologize!” She turned to Ferax. “I'm sorry about him. I'm Olette. What's your name?” She was petite, with long brown hair and wearing an orange tank top and yellow capris. Ferax stepped back, unused to such attention. “Um...” “Oh wow, what's that?” A short round boy shoved his way into the front of the group assailing Ferax. He also had brown hair, kept out of his eyes with a black-and-white headband. He wore a red tank top over a white T and very baggy jeans. Quickly, but gently, he grabbed the papers out of her hand. “Neat code! Did you make it? It looks computer generated.” He started flipping through the papers. “Pence!” Olette grabbed the papers from her friend's hands and handed them back to Ferax, a small smile on her face. “Here. I'm sorry. Ever since he hacked that computer at the mansion, he's been obsessed with them.” “Olette! We're going to be late! C'mon, or we'll miss it!” Hayner and Pence were already at the other end of the plaza, waving at her. Olette gave a quick wave in Ferax's direction, then ran after her friends. Ferax stood confused for a moment, staring at them, then looked down at her notes. “What was that about?” She shook her head, then continued up the hill. About halfway up the hill, she stopped and ran the conversation through her head. “He hacked the computer at the mansion?” She stared at the notes in her hand, then looked back, in the direction the locals had gone. “Maybe he could help me decode this.” *** “Let's hear it for Siefer! By winning this match, he will be advancing to the finals against Hayner!” The loud cheering of the Sandlot assaulted Ferax's ears. Despair Village was a quiet place, silent except for training hours and battles. Up on a stage, about a meter high, Hayner stood, holding up a blue bat and facing a tall boy, older than Ferax with a black skull cap over his blonde hair and a long bluish white coat hanging down past his boot tops. “I'll wipe the floor with you, blondie.” The person Ferax assumed to be Seifer snarled. He hefted a bat similar to the one Hayner held and pointed it straight at his opponent, in a combat pose that Ferax judged to be weak and full of holes. Hayner just laughed. “Yeah, like I'm gonna let that happen. Bring it on!” At the announcers call, the two boys threw themselves at each other with all they had. After just a few seconds watching them, she knew that neither of them stood a chance against anyone from the village, so she turned her eyes away from the spectacle that mesmerized the rest of the crowd. A quick scan of the audience showed her exactly where Pence was. After the match – Siefer won, to the dismay of the local trio – she threaded her way through the crowd. “Excuse me?” Pence turned around with a surprised look on his face, which quickly grew into a smile. “Oh, hey! What's up?” She painted a smile on her face, to match the one Pence was still beaming at her. “Nothing much. I was just wondering if you could help me with something?” “Sure, how can I help?” “Well,” she held out the papers towards him and angles herself so that they could both see what was on it. “I was wondering if you could decode these for me. They're rather important, but I can't understand them like this.” He grabbed the papers out of her hand again, and started riffling through them. “I could, probably, but it'll take time. And lots of it, judging by the amount that's here.” Ferax sighed. More setbacks. “How long?” Pence was already engrossed, his mouth moving along with his thoughts. So she gave his shoulder a small shake. “Hm?” “How long will it take to decode this?” He did a quick calculation, then answered, “Maybe four months. If it uses the same system throughout, I could probably get it done in three. No guarantees though.” It was much better than Ferax had hoped. She'd been expecting years. “Thank you so much! How can I ever repay you?” “No thanks needed.” He waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. “I'm just happy to have something interesting to do over summer break. I've already investigated the Seven Wonders. Now if you'll excuse me...” He trailed off as he walked in an aimless direction, staring intently at the papers. She smiled and created a corridor under her feet. hey, guys, if you dont want to read this, just let me know. i mean, ill still finish it (because its AWESOME), but if no ones interested, then it takes off pressure to post these quickly. it would also give me more time to work on my projects. stupid dumb projects... *grumble mumble projects grumble*
ok, im not even sure if this is, well it, or if this is just an outline. if this is the actual story... well, i cant really say what i want to say without destroying your creative spirit. lets just leave it at that. if its an outline, this is a neat idea, but it needs serious expanding. i would suggest reading some of the other fanfics on the site, like The Flurry: Axel's Story, KH: Nobodes Become Somebodies or ~Destiny Unlocked~. all great fanfics. heck, read mine, Despair Village. at least its grammatically correct. also, you really need to watch your spelling. i counted at least 8 mistakes. Xemnas is spelled Xemnas, Xehanort is spelled Xehanort, wielders is spelled wielders. use quotation marks ("...") when people are speaking. use periods more often. you keep doing run-on sentences. why is Chapter 3 the only one with a title? also, in Chapter 2, you said there were 5 Keyblade Wielders who didn't know their own powers, then you only give 4 names. and how did these 4 (5?) Wielders know about Sora? as i said, neat idea, but it needs ALOT more detail, ALOT more spellchecking. i would suggest giving your characters more detail. what do they look like, what are their personalities like, what are their fighting styles, what do their Keybaldes look like? if you can expand this, it could become one of the great ones. could. no guarantees.
you might try asking the moderators. im not sure who the mod is for creativity corner is, but i think, repeat, think its DPWolf. it could also be...
thats ok. ^-^ i would suggest reading some of the other stories on the site for format ideas.
ok, this idea is really neat. to make it easier to read tho' you could put double space in between paragraphs. also, you have to put in a new paragraph when someone new is speaking, or when a new idea comes up. it would also help if you identified the speaker. theres an example at the bottom. EXAMPLE As I ran downstairs my mom stopped me. "What?" I asked. "You're not going to school." She said plainly. and... I was floating at the top of the tornado. "Dont touch me!" It sounded like there was some kind of demon in me, but I heard my voice too. The wind stopped and I shot down and walked away. I felt like I had a lot of courage, like I won a fight. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have landed in Las Vegas-" "Huh!" I jumped. Was I dreaming? It felt so real. I dont know. That was weird. beyond that, is this a fanfic, or an original? if it doesnt have any characters from someone elses work, then its an original and in the wrong section.
heres the next chapter. enjoy!!! Chapter 2 Off Again “Hey Ferax. I heard what happened. Sorry about, well, you know.†She looked up at him, a false smile painted on her face. “Terin, didn't you know? The point of hiding is so that no one will find you.†Terin laughed, something more genuine than Ferax could ever produce. “I'll always be able to find you, no matter where you are.†He sat down on the cliff side next to her, gazing at the smudge of predawn light which was all this village had. She looked him over thoughtfully. In the four months that had gone by since she'd left, Terin had gotten a lot taller. He'd even gotten a new jacket, a short one that was black with yellow lining and only reached the base of his rib cage. However, his night black hair and solid yellow eyes remained the same. “You're not mad at me? You had friends in the Organization.†“Why should I be mad at you? 'Don't blame the messenger' and all.†He turned his head towards her. “Besides, us Half-Hearted have to stick together, right?†Ferax pulled her knees away from her chest to let them dangle over the cliff. “Tell that to Justine. She looked ready to kill me.†Actually, Justine had given her a few nasty bruises, but she wouldn't tell Terin that. He'd kill Justine. Terin laughed again, a sound Ferax thoroughly enjoyed. You always love what you can't have. “Justine didn't even know Vexen very well. Now, I don't want to hear anymore about Justine. She can go jump off a cliff for all I care. Tell me how the mission went.†Hours went by, as Ferax told him all the details, more than she had even told her mother. He laughed when she told him about her run in with the locals, and relished each victory she had had against the lesser Heartless and Nobodies. He even cried for her when she retold the discovery of the location of each Organization member's death, because she couldn't. When she had finished telling him, he grew thoughtful. “So you're not done then?†His yellow eyes glowed more brightly as he searched her face. She shook her head sadly. “No. I still have to find the person who killed them and exact the proper revenge. The Elders won't be happy until I do. It'll probably take another few months, if not years†Terin stood up, and waited a moment before speaking. “I'll just have to go with you then.†“WHAT?!?!†In her haste to stand up, she cut her hand on a jagged edge of the cliff face. She held it up to the dim light, trying to see the damage. Wide, but not deep, it bled profusely, dark, almost black blood. Each drop of blood that came out of contact with her skin dissipated with a puff of darkness. He crouched next to her and took her wounded hand in his own. Without hesitation, he tore a strip from the base of his shirt and started wrapping the wound. “We've been friends for years. If you think I'm not going with you, you're insane. The only reason I didn't go last time was because by the time I found out you had gone, you had hopped on the train and left.†He tugged fiercely on the knot. Lifting his eyes to hers, he continued, “We promised years ago to always fight by each other's side. I've already asked Mrs. D if I could go and she said yes. I'm going Ferax. And you can't stop me.†Ferax stared at him defiantly. “I can leave without you, get on an different train. I could knock you out right now, tie you up and leave you here. There are any number of things I could do to stop you.†A smug grin crossed his face as he pulled a folded piece of paper out of his jacket. “Official orders from Mrs. D. If I don't go with you, I have orders to hunt you down and bring you back, so you can get punished and we can continue our mission together. Wanna read it?†He waved the paper in front of her face. She snatched it quickly with one hand, making a rude gesture with the other. Quickly, her eyes scrolled down the page. He was right curse it all. Terin laughed at her expression which, while subdued, must have been hilarious. “And with that, I bid you good night. We have to leave tomorrow morning, so don't unpack.â€He started down the cliff, then did an about face. Before I go, did you at least get the name of the person who killed them all?†She glared at him for implying that she hadn't done her job. “Of course I did. It was in the files in The Castle That Never Was. There were actually two people. One was named Riku, but the one with the larger body count was Sora.†“Sora, huh? I heard the Elders talking about him a few weeks ago.†“Really?†“Yup. Keyblade wielder. He's also the guy who wiped out the Seeker of Darkness' Heartless.â€He turned to face her. “Are you sure you want to go? This guy's dangerous.†“I can't quit. It goes against everything this village stands for. Besides,†she gave him a smug grin, “you're the one who's volunteering. Oh!†Terin looked down just in time to see a Shadow popping up from the ground. “Kyle, I told you to wait for me at home.†Pause. “You can't be lonely, Mom was at home–†Pause. “Fine, let's go.†He turned to Ferax. “Kyle wants to go to your place; so, we might as well have a strategy meeting, pick where we go first, et cetera, et cetera.†Ferax picked up the Heartless and smiled. “How can I say no to you Kyle? Let's go.†Kyle flopped his head over her shoulder and gave a meaningful look at Terin as Ferax walked down the hill. He smiled and scooped a rock off theound. “I know Kyle,†he said quietly, “I know.†“Terin, let's go!†He smiled and threw the rock over the cliff before following.
i dont get it. if Bailey is in the real Twilight Town, then why do Hayner, Pence, Olette and the other residents of Twilight Town remember him? in the game, the real Hayner & co. never met Roxas. it was the Twilight Town versions who did. @.@
i decided to combine these two chapters because theyre kinda short. thus, chapter 2 becomes part of chapter 1. enjoy! Chapter 1 The Beginning Ferax sat on the roof of her house, staring calmly at the dawn. Almost dawn, she amended mentally. This was true, for the sun didn't actually rise over the horizon. It never did. It never would. The only indication of the sun this village has ever had was a rosy smudge of light in the eastern sky. Ferax didn't mind. She loved this village and all it held. She loved her blue house, even if her mother would have preferred it to be white. She loved the old oak tree near the town hall which was tearing up the road with its roots. It was where she had grown up. Her village. Ferax jumped as a voice called out her name. She looked over the edge of the roof to see Mrs. D standing at the gate. “Come down. I have a mission for you.” She wasted no time going in through her bedroom window, then out the front door, her usual route. Mission offers warranted more haste, so she simply jumped down onto the lawn. “Yes, Mrs. D? You said you have a mission? What are the details?” “We haven't received our monthly report from Organization XIII. Nothing, not even a single letter, has come from The World That Never Was in over three weeks. We need you to investigate. If they have been destroyed, you need to find the location of each members death, so that family members may mourn accordingly. Your expenses are fully covered. If you accept, you leave within the hour.” Ferax turned the information over in her head. The Organization's reports had always been on time, to the second. It should have arrived four days ago; that it was this late was unheard of. And the expenses have full coverage? This must be urgent. “The mission has been accepted.” Mrs. D nodded absently, knowing that Ferax wouldn't refuse. “Good. This mission will be a long one, so be prepared. Say your farewells, then catch the 6:15 train. You'll need this.” A small briefcase changed hands. “All the additional information you'll need is inside. There's also a camera; I want you to document each location very well. Anything you have to do to make sure our citizens get their last goodbyes, do it.” She gave a rare, true smile. “See you when you return.” Ferax turned and raced into the house. *** Half an hour later, Ferax was sitting in her seat, a rather large pack sitting in the seat next to her. Open in her lap was the briefcase, filled with pictures and stacks of papers on the Organization's supposedly final days. She held up the summary. A member of ours, Number XIII Roxas, has left the Organization, for reasons unknown to us. His “friend” Number VIII Axel, has been given the task of returning him to the Organization. He reports that Number XIII may be found in a world called Twilight Town. Beyond that, Number II Xigbar has reported some success at the Land of Dragons. He believes that, barring outside interference, he could turn target into a Heartless, and a potential ally, within the month. Number III Xaldin continues working at the Beast's Castle. Nothing new to report, excepting the fact that the Master of the Castle has stopped speaking with its servants. Number IX Demyx has been assigned recon of the world Olympia. It seems a new area, the Underworld, has surfaced. He has protested being posted on “such a difficult sounding mission”. However, this is the easiest mission we have available. Number X Luxord has been given recon of the new world [Port Royal]. His preliminary report stated that he may have found a way to make us invincible. He says that he will be testing the method on local Heartless, then report back with his findings. Finally, Number VII Saïx reports that when Number XIII returns, Kingdom Hearts will be completed, although he is unsure of how long that will take. He also reports that the number of Nobodies has decreased some since Number XIII defected, but that was expected. Ferax put down the sheet. So much activity in such a short amount of time. And now? Nothing. It was... sad. She pushed away the emotion and picked up a more detailed report of all of Xigbar's previous missions. She would investigate The World That Never Was, then, if she found nothing more of note, go to this place, the Land of Dragons. *** Ferax's footsteps echoed across the empty Grey Room. Looking around, she could tell that no one had been here in a long time. This didn't bode well, for if the room where the members received their missions was abandoned, then either there was no one to give out the missions, or no one to receive them. Se pushed down her queasiness and left the room. Walking swiftly, she followed her mental map to the member's rooms. She searched them all, hoping for something to tell her where they had gone. The rooms all held what little personal items the Nobodies had possessed, so they hadn't relocated. The only room with a journal was Number XII's, and it was horribly out of date. Flipping through its pages, Ferax noted the neat cursive and flowery pictures and guessed that it must belong to the female member of the Organization, Larxene. The only other object of note she found in the rooms was a popsicle stick with the word “WINNER” carved into it, in Number VIII's room. She slipped it back into its envelop and left for the Superior's rooms. Xemnas' rooms were more sparse than the other Organization members, even though there were more of them. She did find a filing cabinet, holding detailed accounts of daily life at the Organization, going back to its founding. She skipped ahead to the reports of the last five months and quickly noticed a pattern. Saïx's primary mission was to find someone named Sora, to “further quicken the creation of Kingdom Hearts”. This Sora person had been inactive for months. She jotted a quick note on a scrap of paper she found on the desk and continued rifling through the files. About two weeks after the disappearance of Roxas, Sora's name appeared again and this time, he was active. Heart counts soared. Then he fought, and killed one of the Organization members. As she flipped through the pages, Sora continued devastating the Organization's already small numbers. A mention of Castle Oblivion sent her backtracking through the files. Sora's name came up here too, decimating members as he ascended the floors, along with another name, Riku. She wrote down each member's name, along with the world of their defeat, then checked the last page of the files. They ended abruptly with two short sentences: With Number VIII's defeat, we have confirmed that Sora is coming here. Now, we shall see. Here. This Sora person came here. How could someone travel to The World That Never Was without a dark corridor? Shaking her head, Ferax reorganized the files and put them away. She would send someone to retrieve them when she returned from her mission. Beyond confirming the deaths of the Organization members, they held little value to her. She walked down to the Dark City, knowing she needed the air. “All those mentions of Sora, and no location,” she mused aloud, realizing that the village would expect her to find him. She walked all the way down to the Alley to Between, and was about to turn back, when she saw something in the corner of her eye. There, to her left, was a portal. About shoulder height, it was mainly black and green, but held other colors too. “Mystery solved.” Quickly, she made up her mind and took a few steps back. “Looks like the Land of Dragons is going to have to wait.” Next chapter should be up soon. guess where Ferax is going? chapter 2 coming soon. i think. heh. ^_^'
not bad. you should add paragraphs, in between speakers and when a new idea comes up. theres an example at the bottom. also, Link seems to be a bit out of character. sure, he never speaks, but nothing in his actions suggest that he would use someone for his own personal reasons. maybe to save Princess Zelda or the world, but thats about it. he also seems like a jerk. just saying. also, Vaati is an evil wizard, not a demon. Link fought him, like, twice. try Ganondorf. hes always fighting Ganondorf. EXAMPLE "Hello Sora" Kairi said. "Hello Kairi, how are you?" Sora replied. They spent the afternoon talking, then went home. The next morning.... for ease of reading, use double spaces when seperating paragraphs. your readers will love you. read some other fanfics for other (better) examples.
Hello. this is a new story i started about the aftermath of Sora's fight with Organization XIII. starring Ferax, a girl who has difficulty displaying emotions and her friend Terin, who has too many. enjoy Prologue Ferax March stepped off the train and took a long look around the station. Located on the edge of Despair Village, it was the only place where people could leave town, as they often did. More people remained, however, people who could handle the stress of their environment. But for all the people who had left, Ferax was one of the only ones to return. She loved the town, with its blue, black, grey, and white houses. However, she did realize that the colors, and the never ending dawn were unnerving to most visitors. She was sixteen, of average height, and slender, with straight auburn hair and ice blue eyes. She wore a grey blue T-shirt and torn black jeans. “Hello Ferax,” an old woman with a basket on her arm and a pair of daggers stashed in her belt greeted her, “So nice to see you comeback alive. How are you today?” Ferax smiled at the woman. “Very well, Mrs. D, thank you.” Mrs. D had lived in this world for as long as anyone could remember. She was the only Elder who had been born here; all the rest had moved in during their adult years. The woman smiled, a smile as fake as her stooped back and feeble manner. “Good, good. You can report your findings tomorrow during the village meeting. For now, go home and rest. I'm sure your mother is worried about you.” Ferax bowed slightly to the Elder. “Yes, Mrs. D.” She hoisted her backpack higher up on her shoulder and made her way to her house. It wasn't a large house, but it wasn't small either. Painted blue, not for any aesthetic reasons but because of the village's laws, it was as welcoming as a house in this world could be. The smell of ginger chicken drifted through one of the windows as Ferax opened the door. She sighed deeply and called, “I'm home!” She quickly braced herself and, as always, received a flying tackle hug that slammed her back into the door. “Hi, Mom.” Her mother looked up at her and smiled, a smile which showed all the joy in her heart. “Ferax, welcome home! It's been forever! How did it go? Did you get hurt?” She disentangled her arms from her daughter's torso, instead grabbing her shoulders and holding her at arms length. She looked Ferax up and down, searching for wounds. “What's this? Ferax, why are your jeans ripped? They weren't like that when you left.” Ferax winced, wishing she had worn a different pair of jeans home instead of these. “Just a scratch Mom. A Zip Slasher thought he could get the better of me.” Ferax's mother sighed at her daughter's lie. She had been at the kitchen window when Ferax had walked up the path, and she had seen her limp. “Come to the kitchen. I'll fix it up.” Hope March was of similar build as her daughter. Ferax had inherited her hair color from her mother, but not Hope's warm brown eyes. She walked with grace and power as only a swords master could. Her claymore leaned against the kitchen counter, ready, should the outside forces try to invade their town again. She sat Ferax down on one of the chairs, then moved to check the chicken. Satisfied that it wouldn't burn, she opened one of the cupboards and pulled out an oversized first aid kit, staggering a little at its weight. Assessing the damage on the jeans, she took out a knife and slashed them off at mid-thigh. She held back a sympathy wince at the sight of her daughter's leg. It was a long cut, starting at the hip then spiralling down until it reached mid-calf. “Ferax, did you honestly call this a scratch? Nevermind this,” she hefted the first aid kit again and stowed it away, “this is going to take magic.” She gazed back at the oven. “If we do this now, the chicken will burn. Can you wait a few minutes?” “Mom, I waited for the entire trip home. Besides, its really not that bad. Really! See?” She started to stand up, stopping when Hope placed her hand on her shoulder. “Sweetie, if that trip had taken another hour, that 'scratch' would have torn open, and that would been the end of you.” She pulled the chicken out of the oven, transferring it - along with some rice and peas - to a plate, plunking it down in front of Ferax. “Now sit down, shut up, and eat your chicken. You look like you need the food.” As Ferax ate, Hope knelt, moving her hand a few inches over her daughter's leg, checking to see if she needed to clean the wound before healing it or not. After a few minutes she stood, cast a quick Cura and sat down next to Ferax. “The good news is that the cut wasn't infected. Good job keeping it clean by the way. The bad news is that you're going to have lots of trouble with it for a while. Random stabbing pains, that sort of thing. Just don't overexert yourself and you'll be fine. I'll ask Mrs. D to keep you off missions for awhile.” Ferax nodded reluctantly. After supper, they sat at the table for hours, catching up on the four months Ferax had been away. At midnight, they finally finished talking and went to bed, with sorrow in their hearts. “Attention, attention. As you all should know by now, Ferax has returned from her mission.” Mrs. D, standing at the podium of the town hall, a building painted a grey purple color, stared out at the people assembled before her. Most of the town, but not all, was here today, wanting to hear first hand what Ferax had found. “Ferax?” Ferax climbed the stairs to the podium almost reluctantly. Her news wasn't good, and it might send the normal citizens of the town off the brink of despair for good. She straightened her back and spoke, in a clear voice that carried all through the hall. “The report we received five months ago was correct. I'm sorry to report that many of you did indeed lose your relatives: Organization XIII has been destroyed.” She stopped as the room was filled with the sounds of disbelief, exclamations of outrage and vengeance and sobbing. so theres the prologue. for those of you who are wondering, yes Sora will be in it. of course.
wow, youre an awesome writer! you do have a tendancy to do run-on sentences though, but thats not really a big deal. my only complaint ... you didnt describe Vivi. you described Fuu and Rai, but you did not describe Vivi. T.T very sad.
wow thats deep. ive had a thought kinda like that, but its more theoretical and has to do with color. what if people percieve color differently? what would happen if what one person percieved as blue, another person thought was red. they wouldnt know because they would have been taught that the color they percieved as red was blue. for example, if this person looked up at the sky, they would see a red sky. but they wouldnt know its red because everyone knows that the sky is blue. does this make sense?
ok, your story is awesome so far, but i do have one thing i have to point out. Heartless arent the remaining bodies. the Heartless are just hearts. the Nobodies are the bodies, as well as the "soul". it should be in KHII, that part when Sora & co are in Yen Sid's tower and Yen Sid is teaching Nobody 101.
ok, im going to try to be critical, but not insulting. first off, this reminds me of a kindergardener's work. the story is fractured, makes little to no sense, and seems like one big, long run-on sentence. this isnt so much a story as it is a screenplay, if that. if you were going for a screenplay feel, you need to add spaces in between people talking. im including an example at the bottom of this post.* if you wanted it to be a story, use quotations instead of prompts (Axel: ) stories also need a plot line, not just Axel eating Larxenes pie. read the other stories on this site if you dont know what im talking about. as i said, i was trying to be critical, not insulting. please dont be offended by this, im trying to help. *EXAMPLE Axel: Hello Larxene. please dont electrocute me. Larxene: Too bad. [ZAP] Axel: Ow (readers often find it easier to read a story online if the paragraphs are double spaced.)
just gotta say: your sig makes my day. total epic overkill.
Hey guys. I decided to redo a few of my ideas on my previous story "Those who are Forgotten". I'm not sure about this title, but whatever. If I need to change it, I'll let you know. and so, here's the Prologue and Chapter 1 of "The Negative Factor". Prologue There were thirteen... ...Sins' 7... ...Fate of 3... ...Balance of 2... ...and the Heart of 1. We were the Negatives. Those kept separate from the Organization XIII Positives. We studied everything under No. 0. He was the leader of the Negatives and Positives, the one behind everything. We of the Negatives called him the Heart Master. We all had a role to play. Sin's Seven were Heartless, into which the Heart Master placed artificial minds. They were the Generals of the Heartless. Pride, Wrath, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Envy, and Sloth. They were Numbers -4 through -10. The Balance of 2 were Keyblade Wielders, the polar opposites of each other. Black and White. They were above the Sins. The Heart Master made it that way. They were Numbers -11 and -12. The Heart of 1 was even higher than them. He was Everything. He was Nothing. He was the strange combination of Heartless and Nobody, Keyblade Wielder and Unversed, created years ago by the Heart Master. Never a whole person, never an incomplete one. The shadow that walked through light. He was -13. Then there were us. The Fate of 3. Nobodies, all. The most wise, after the Heart Master. His trusted advisers. We three saw everything. We were the Past, Present and Future. The Judge of Silence, the Strings of Fate and the Ancient of Sorrow. The Judge's name was Loxare, Keeper of the Past and the voices that dwell there. The Strings was less formally known as Lesumax, Keeper of the Present and the ties that bond people together. The Ancient was also called Laxan, Keeper of the Future, its secrets and sorrows. We were Numbers -1, -2 and -3. We were. We were not. We were unknown to all, so we did not exist. The Heart Master gave orders to Number 1, who in turn, gave orders to the rest of the Positives. They did not know we existed. They had no need to. Pulling strings no one could see, moving the pawns from the shadows, we were the grand puppeteers, the chess masters, the ultimate manipulators. Watching from the smallest shadows, we waited. This is not our story. It cannot be for we do not exist. According to all we know, we never have, for our earliest memories were of this place, the Abyss Fortress, the land of everlasting daybreak. We do not know whose story it is. Maybe you can tell us... *** Chapter 1 Before the Beginning Loxare stormed down the hall, her currently red eyes fixated on the past, her reddish brown ringlets quivering. Her grey-gloved fist clenched and unclenched in fury as she tried to stave off the temptation to summon her weapon and smash something with it. It was a close battle. She bashed through the door to one of the rooms she shared with her siblings with a resounding crash. The room's only furniture was three chairs, sitting around a pool, and a bookcase, filled to the brim. “Brother, Sister, have you seen what he has done?†Her voice was controlled, but only just. “Is this how he treats us after years of service?†In a flash, her fist was through the wall, creating a hole in the stone. Lesumax's eyes were silver with gold radiating from his pupils, the only color they could be in this world; his hair was the color of moonlight. He stood with a sigh and gently pulled his sister's fist from the wall. “Of course, I am seeing what he is doing. It truly is a disrespectful thing for him to do. But what can we do. Is it possible to stop him at this point Laxan?†He turned to their older sister, sitting in her chair by the pool. Laxan's blank, white eyes turned towards her siblings. With most of her face shadowed by her hood, her hair color was impossible to determine. When she opened her mouth, a voice filled with hope and happiness burst forth. “No, it is not. In fact, what he is doing is necessary for the survival of us all.†She turned back to the pool and gazed into its' depths, eyes focused on the future. The other two relaxed automatically, soothed by their sister's eye color, and the type of voice she had used.. A future such as that could not be terrible in any way. Loxare glanced up into her brother's eyes. “It was still rude of him to use those pieces of us without asking. Even though he knew we would care.†She strode over to her chair and sat down heavily. Lesumax followed. “I know, Sister dear, I know. We can take up our quarrel with him later. For now, let us observe his actions carefully. We may need the knowledge later.†And, like Laxan, he and Loxare turned towards the pool, watching as their Master conducted his research. *** Deep in the basement, on the opposite side of the Fortress from the triplet's tower, the Heart Master was making his ultimate creation. Using a Keyblade Wielder who had stumbled upon the Fortress as his base, he proceeded to carefully experiment on him, using pieces of the Twelve's Hearts, or, in the case of the Nobody Fates, their Heartless. This boy would remember nothing of his past once the Heart Master was done with him. He finished sewing up his creation's chest, where the Master had been operating, and called out to the two Keyblade Wielders behind him, “Kuro, Shiro, now! Unlock his heart!†Kuro, deathly pale with raven hair cut short, raised his Keyblade, white, pupil-less eyes focused on his target. His twin, Shiro, who had the same skin tone as Kuro, but with hair the exact shade of fresh snow and lightless eyes, did the same. The tips of the Keys glowed, Kuro's Oblivion with light and Shiro's Lightbringer with darkness. The beams met, right above the creation's newly altered heart. *** Lesumax's eyes snapped open, followed shortly by Loxare's. Laxan didn't react to what she had seen, for she had seen it many times now. “Crafty old man.†Lesumax grimaced with realization. “This way, things are almost sure to go his way.†Loxare stood from her chair, moving towards the bookcase closest to her. “Feh. Let them. We can't do much to stop him at this point.†She picked up a few pieces from the chessboard that sat on the case, in one of the few places not crammed with books. “But, you know what?†Lesumax eyes his sister. He didn't like that look in her eye. “What?†he asked, almost reluctantly. Loxare picked up a piece, which featured two spiked circles, attached together in a figure 8 pattern. “Guess who got a new member?†And thats it for now. for those of you who actually want to read "Those who are Forgotten", here's the link. http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?99549-Those-who-are-Forgotten
one moment. i must cry. *SSSSOOOOBBBB CRYCRYCRY snifflies sob* T.T LEON!!! T.T AERIS!!!T.T )': YUFIE!!!! :'( T.T :cryinganime: T.T T.T D': ok. im good. less sad. i know that Sora & co will save them, so its ok. that being said, this chapter was awesome. very well written. the KH cast just found themselves way out of their depth and i love it! builds character.
YEEEES!!! Thankyou for telling me. i havent been on much. heh.
