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On My Way Home by Enya

That's okay, 'twas a silly name. x3

Swept through the currents of life, my dear. xD And kind of been lurking here and there in the shadows of KHVs, sometimes coming out for a little to long while and then hiding again. This is one of the times I popped out. I'm glad I've stuck around so far. ^^

Tis easy. All you have to do is copy and paste pictures now and they'll show up. As for video, you just do this code *[*media = youtube*]* put the letters and code at the end of the = of youtube [*/*media*]* Take the astristrikes out, obviously, and the spaces, and you're good to go!

Yeah, the activity level decreased drastically lately

... Why

And here I am again, reading the next chapter. Everything I edit will be highlighted in red, personal commentary will be in blue. I hope you don't mind. >.< Remember, this is my own personal opinion.

Spoiler: Maka's Edits

Chapter 2

Spoiler: Maka's Edits

The sun showed bright on this new day, its glow reinforced by the snowing specs of light. A long yellow road extended straight through this vast field of red flowers (Thoughts in my head: "FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD! -skips-"). Standing at the edge of this field, stood the same mysterious woman who had visited The Garden town just a few days ago. Enormous in size compared to the previous town she had visited, a massive glass like city stood before her as she closed in. It was green and larger than anything she had ever seen, even bigger than the castle she saw in The Garden town. She noticed two armed guards in front of the city gates. Although she was stunningly beautiful, she understood that her horns; although fairly small, would be out of place and would definitely draw attention to herself. So to counter act this little dilemma, she pulled the hood of her cloak over her head. She approached the guards.

“I’ve come to partake in business here.” She said, looking up at the rather tall guard with her dark eyes. He had a rather large fluffy hat, uniformed in a blue formal military suit.

The guard looked down at the woman. “What business have you come to partake in?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“The kind that doesn’t concern you.” She replied, making her irritation well known. It was a risky façade, as she began her mind game with the individual.

He tightened his grip on the halberd, showing signs of a weakened poker face. It was a success; she had broken through his act. All that was needed was that extra pressure, and he would break. Not knowing what to do, he looked at his partner close by who had nothing to say, but a shrug. He looked back at the woman, straightening up. “Ma’m, I cannot just allow any-“

“You either let me walk inside, or you lose your job as you let me walk inside a few minutes later. I have connections with people inside these walls, so don’t think even for a second that I’m bluffing. Now choose! I don’t have all day.” The woman wasn’t playing games, per say. She stood there, looking at the gate in front of her; not bothering to waste her time looking the guard in the eye. Unable to decide what to do, the guard waned under the pressure and nodded.

“Open the doors!” he shouted, turning his back to her as he looked up at one of the soldiers a top the wall. The sound of clanging could be heard as the metal pulley system within the walls worked about opening the large door. The soldier looked back at her, only to find no one. Baffled, he looked around catching sight of her as she advanced past the doors. Hoping to avoid any ill feelings towards him, he shouted, “Enjoy your stay in Emerald city!” (o.o Oh my gosh, I was just kidding! Wow. I can't believe I picked that out in the beginning by just horsing around. lol)

The woman kept walking, ignoring his voice as she continued on her way. Her eyes wandered past the citizens, in disbelief at the beauty of it all. All around her were buildings made of pure emerald, shaped for its purposes such as buildings, pillars, fountains, and stairs. Even the very floor she walked on was made of the green precious stone. She was impressed. The cities architecture was phenomenal, and the gold statues gave the city a feel of riches. Continuing her walk, the road eventually led her to the town square; or rather town circle, where her impressions were just blown away. Standing a few yards away was a magnificent castle. Large in size, it towered over every other building she thought to have been enormous. She grinned as her eyes displayed awe and wonder.

“My(,) my… one day I would love to rule in a castle like this.” She muttered, taking her time to reach the building as she took in the scenery. She walked past a fountain,(;) at its center a marvelous emerald gem. Clearly she was too distracted to have noticed, but it would play an important role in her plans. (Let's see where this goes before I interject...) As she neared the front door, she noticed that yet again were there more guards. Rolling her eyes beneath the black hood, she sped her stride quite a bit; her recent experience with the previous guards having been enough to thinned her patience. The guards took notice and immediately blocked the front doors by crossing their spears together.

On the spot, she changed her pace and began to run, carefully running up the steps; it could be a bit tricky wearing heeled boots. She approached, feinting distress.

“Please you must help!” she shouted, her voice sounding troubled. The guards taken off guard (punny), looked at her worriedly.

“What’s the trouble, ma’m?” one of them asked, lowering his guard (defense maybe? Just to break up the usage for guard). The woman removed her arms from underneath her cloak, and fell into the guards arms. He caught her, the two men now shocked. She began to weep, digging (burying might be better for head since I don't think heads have very flexible appendages) her face into his chest.

“There was this horrible man at the front gates. He was mean to me, and called me names! Even as he let me pass through the gates, he continued to mock me!” she claimed, looking up at the guard with innocent eyes further enhanced by her sheer beauty. The man blushed, taken in awe by the sight. He adjusted his hat with determination in his eyes.

“Ma’m. Say no more! I’ll handle this!” he said, gently removing her from his chest. He walked off, descending past the stairs.

“Oh thank you kind and handsome guard!” she shouted, cupping her hands next her mouth, and waving afterwards for further effect
.
He stopped momentarily, blushing through his determination. As the guard continued walking off towards the gate, she made her way to the other guard. “My he sure is quite the hero, wouldn’t you say?” she asked, standing at his side as they both looked at the now miniscule (minuscule) guard far off in the distance. Seeing as how the other guard was so easily manipulated, she knew this guard to be no different. As a matter of fact, her plan was slowly being set into motion.

The guard coughed, attempting to regain composure. He had no idea what to say. She pressed onward, attempting to manipulate his confused heart. “Why if men were more like him, I’d think the world would be…better off. Don’t you think?” She shifted her eyes looking up at the guard, emphasizing her eyes in a manipulative (devious, to break up the use of manipulating) way.

Tempted, he peered from the corner of his eye down at her only to be caught by her charming expression. He was done for. Blood steadily rose to his cheeks, creating blush. His eyes averted in an attempt to keep his cool. A tint of something all too familiar was stirred in his heart. The woman looked away with a smug slowly arising. Her plan was going rather well. The two stood there silently for a while, allowing the moment to become awkward. Finally, she struck.

“I’m feeling rather parched… Might I ask a glass of water?” she asked, fully aware how bizarre the request was. To add for effect, she began fanning herself.

The guard was conflicted. He was to either accept the request or deny her. Accepting would mean going off to get her a glass of water; or something of equivalence. Denying her request would probably leave him in a bad position, losing any credibility he had as a “gentleman”. After a moment of thinking, he had an idea. Attempting to control his wavering voice, spoke. “C-Come with me! I can get you a glass of water inside!”

Bingo. “Oh thank you so much!” she said excitedly, clapping her hands together.

The guard opened the door, allowing her to step through first. He closed the door behind him, and led her to the royal kitchen; making sure to be aware of his surroundings. No one other than those permitted were allowed inside the castle. If one were to find out that he had led someone inside, he would be in serious trouble. Checking to see if the area was clear of people, he motioned for her to enter the kitchen. “Here we are! Let me get you a glass!” he said, lowering his weapon against the wall.

“Oh thank you so much…” she uttered. Her eyes were wandering, examining the kitchen. At the center was a large kitchen counter no longer than a yard, where various cooking tools hung from a ceiling hanger just above it. The kitchen wasn’t small, rivaling most kitchens in a restaurant. Having finished her inspection, she went to work. She removed her hood, slowly advancing towards the guard who was just opening the kitchen faucet.

“Did you know that…every action has a true motive?” she began, closing in on her prey. The man motioned that he was listening, as he filled her glass. She continued, “For example, for what reason did you decide to accept my request? Was it… from the kindness of your heart?” she asked, toying with her prey; already able to see the lie stirring in his heart, before she struck.

The guard raised an eyebrow, no longer paying attention to the glass but rather her voice. “Uuh, well most certainly ma’m…!” His back still turned, he had no clue that she had already caught up with him; standing a mere three feet behind him.

“I think otherwise…”

He turned having realized her voice was a lot closer than it had been before. To his shock, his eyes locked to the horns protruding from her scalp. He was horrified. He had never seen such a detail on a human before. Without realizing it, he was backing away from her as if the counter would somehow move out of the way. “What in the- !”

The woman’s pupils dilated, a sudden evil aura surging throughout her body. The man began to express fear. Suddenly, the unaware guard started to give off a similar aura. He started gasping for air, his heart rate accelerating. Pain showed on his face as he grabbed his chest, gritting his teeth. “Ggaaah…!” he uttered.

“Your heart tells me everything… For you see that pain you’re feeling is the true motive expressing itself.” she stated, lying in a way of what was truly happening to him.

“What…?! H- How?! What true motive…?” he struggled, attempting to feign ignorance. His body began to gradually levitate off the ground. He was in such pain that he hadn’t realized what was happening to him. The woman revealed a devilish grin.

“You can lie all you want, but in the end your heart still speaks the truth. Now enough of this! Succumb to your hearts true desires! Don’t fight it!” With a quick motion of her hand, the man was engulfed in his own aura; not a word escaping. Within seconds the aura on both of them waned till it was completely gone. He was put down on his two feet, perfectly fine as if nothing had happened. She walked away towards the kitchen door, and just before exiting she said, “Just wait outside the gates like you normally do. If the other guard asks of my whereabouts, just tell him I went off to tell the city of his heroic deed. That should keep him quiet…” she was about to leave, but stopped herself. “Oh! By the way, is the king currently available for visiting hours?” she asked. The guard shook his head. Disappointed, she went on her way.

The door was closed, leaving behind a drone of a guard nodding his head to the woman’s command (This sentence seemed confusing, I think it should be placed after she tells him what he needed to do to distract the other guard). He grabbed his weapon, walked out the door and back to his post as if nothing had happened. The other guard was already back, scowling at his partner.

“Where were you?” he asked.

“The woman has gone about telling people of your heroic deed.” He replied, his voice monotone, lacking life. The other guard immediately forgot his suspicion, excitingly asking “W-What has she said? Was she interested in me? Is she calling me a hero?”

“The woman has gone about telling people of your heroic deed.” He replied again. Still excited, the guard pressed on. “Yes yes, I know already! But what is she saying? Did she tell you anything, like what she will be telling everyone? L-like I’m a handsome hero that can take charge and put people in their place! O-or I’m a kind and gentle man that will stand for women in distress! Something like that? ”

Unrelenting, he gave the same reply. “The woman has gone about te-“

“Oh forget it!” the other guard frustratingly shouted as the drone finished his reply. The two stood in their post, one with a stale face while the other stood frustratingly disappointed.

As this took place, the woman was making her way up the castle floors; stealthily avoiding contact with guard’s enroute. The castle was luxurious, filled with antiques, large portraits, and colorful designs, all signs of the luxury this family had at its disposal. She peered around a corner, noticing yet another two guards standing by a large door. This was becoming frustratingly annoying for her. She pulled her hood up over her head, and stood behind the corner; thinking of her possible plans of action with a sigh. After much careful thought, she found her answer.

The two guards stood by the door, erect in posture with a face full of seriousness. Suddenly, without warning they were hit each by a green ball of concentrated fire. They connected with their intended targets, knocking them against the wall and onto the floor unconscious. The power behind these was subtle, as it left a scorch mark on their uniforms only. The woman stepped into the scene, looking down at the easily beaten guards. “So much for guards of the royal people…” she muttered to herself. Stepping over one of the guards, she gently pushed one of the doors open, peering through the crack. There was no one there. She stepped inside, examining her surroundings. She saw nothing; just a large empty throne room. Her frustration showed on her concealed face.

“Where is this ol- !“

“Can I help you?” a feminine voice spoke.

She was found, turning quickly to lock eyes with her. She was fairly young, about her own age. Long brunette hair, she wore a white feather a top her head; a long white dress to compliment her design choice. She was attractive, and gave off a presence that held potential. They both stood there, looking at each other. Waiting a few seconds to gauge the new entries reaction, she replied “I’m looking for the king.. And you are?”

“Oh, I’m sorry I’m Evanora, The royal advisor. I’m sorry to disappoint but he’s currently in his chambers on the other side of the castle. The Winkie guards should have told you…” she said, walking towards the doors in an attempt to scold them. Not wanting to be found out, she intercepted her; blocking her advance.

“Oh yes they did! But, I persuaded them to let me in. I just needed to see the king so urgently…” she began, attempting to manipulate the situation by imitating a sad expression.

Unphased by the cloaked woman’s attempt, she chuckled. “Oh please. You’re going to have to do better than that…” Evanora said, pulling her wand out. She aimed it at her. “Little tricks like that won’t work on me, witch. Now move aside, and towards the window to your left.” She commanded. She held the magic stick, motioning to her to get moving. The façade having been uncovered, the cloaked woman complied. Not giving her back to her as she slowly retreated to the window.

“Remove your cloak. I don’t want your hands doing anything sneaky underneath them.”

Once again, she complied with her demands. Undoing a knot around her collar, the cloak slid off; revealing a red tan top small enough to expose her abdomen. A thin black fluff extended throughout the collar of her neckline. Black shorts slightly covered by a red gown like kilt only covering the back of her lower body, leaving her front legs exposed along with her black knee high boots; a brown bag also strapped around her waist. Her left arm had a golden bangle with strange insignias strapped around it. The wand wielding woman stood, a bit shocked. Not just at her strange style of clothing, but because she could have sworn that as the witch removed her cloak that she saw her cast a devilish shadow as the light from the window shown on her. Then she understood why.

“From what land do you come from?” she asked with curiosity, her wand wielding hand rigid as ever as she took notice of the witch’s small black horns.

The witch gave a smirk. “A land far from here…”

With keen eyes, she eyed her. “Don’t try me, witch.”

“You’re one to talk.” She spit back, briefly looking at the woman’s wand. “Are there others like you in this land? I doubt you could have learned this by yourself. ” she asked, her black eyes staring back at the white dressed woman.

“I’ll be asking the questions here!” Evanora shouted, trying to regain her dominance in the room. The truth was that she had never seen a witch outside her home land; especially one bearing such details as hers. She was intimidated clearly, even the horned witch could see that.

The witch took a step, attempting to gauge her reaction.

“Don’t move or I’ll blast you!” she threatened.

She scoffed, clearly seeing right through her bluff. “Oh please. If you were really serious about that, you would have done that the moment you found out I was a witch, which by the way I’m curious to know how you knew…” she said, advancing closer with a curious watch.

As if in rebellion to the witch’s rebellion, she shot a bolt of lightning at the floor just a foot in front of her. She haulted (halted) her advances momentarily, impressed by her display of control; even though she was using a medium to channel her magic.

“Impressive, although… I thought you said you were going to blast me if I moved?” she questioned, backing the woman to the wall with manipulate use of words as well as her action. She wasn’t afraid of this wand wielding witch, and she knew the other knew it. She pressed, on her guard at the ready in case the other on a whims notice struck.

She did. In defiance to her boldness, Evanora’s brows furrowed and with a simple flick of her wrist shot a string of lightning at the horned witch. With a casual motion, the woman moved her left hand in front of her as to catch the attack. The attack collided with her palm, breaking apart the stream as strings of lightning shot out into random directions parallel to her palm. The stream flowed as the two clashed. Bolts of lightning danced everywhere as it struck the floor, walls, and ceiling. The woman in white was baffled, and struggled to maintain the electrical current.

A string of lightning shot itself towards the throne. The lightning hit an invisible barrier, and disappeared. Noticing the bit of detail that had taken place to her left, the horned witch with ease drained the electric current into her palm, curling it into a tight fist as the electricity balled itself into nothing. As if forgetting about the woman who had just attacked her, she walked towards the chair, stopping a few feet away. Her hand extended itself towards it, only to be greeted by a strange clear wall of magic.

“Oh my…how things would have been…awkward had I found the king…” she uttered, loud enough to be heard by the other.

Although Evanora had heard the horned witch, she was still in shock at her display of power to really make sense of what she had said. Feeling exhausted, she dropped to her knees. Her breath was heavy as she spoke. “How are you so powerful? I’ve never seen a witch with such level of skill…” Her voice spoke with more curiosity than it did frustration. She eyed the woman who turned towards her, now advancing towards her. Weak from her childish tantrum, she sat there head rising as the horned witch approached.

“Because if I am to rule over my own kingdom one day…” she began, having caught a glimpse of change within the white dressed woman’s heart. She grinned.

“…Then I must gain power by whatever means necessary.” She meant every word of it, attempting to use her words to stir something in the exhausted woman’s heart; a need, a crave, a desire. Extending her hand out to her, she recommended, “Allow me to teach you. I can unlock the potential within your heart. With that power, you too can rule over your own kingdom!” Her plan had taken a different turn, but it was better than she had hoped for. Why do it yourself when you could just use someone else.

Evanora looked up at the horned witch. She hesitantly raised her hand, a look of caution about her as she stared into the eyes of the horned witch.

“The power to rule over my own kingdom she says…” she thought, looking at the extended hand. She had always wanted to be more than a royal advisor (adviser), but it had never dawned on her that she could be a ruler; and now here was this mysterious woman whom she didn’t even know, already besting her at magic. Her display of power… It was indeed a rare opportunity being presented to her. After some thought, who this mysterious individual was didn’t really matter anymore. Her eyes looked up, locking with the woman’s eyes in awe. “You can truly make me ruler over the land of Oz, can you?” she said, no longer doubting her. “What’s your name?” she asked still being on her knees.

The horned witch looked down at Evanora; hand still extended. She grinned. “Call me…” she began, her eyes dilating as the same venomous aura she let loose a while ago arose from within her.


“Maleficent.”

WELL THEN, I see a certain someone received a wardrobe change of sorts. xD You can see my commentary stopped towards the middle. I was actually getting into it, wondering how this was going to turn out and what was going to happen. Stark contrast from chapter 1. Awesome job.

MY LONG LOST FRIEND!!!! -hugs you and squeezes you tightly some more- AAAAAAH! I thought I lost all of my old friends! T~T If you didn't know,...

Clocks by Coldplay

Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons

Oh, you tell me to hold on
Oh, you tell me to hold on
But innocence is gone
And what was right is wrong

MAGICKKKKKK! -super glomps and hugs- GIRL! It's been years since we talked! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?!

This is Friendly_Heartless/Missing_Heartless btw. Obviously I haven't changed much, lol.

I MISSED YOU!!! -rolls around in excitement-

First time I ever been tagged in a post. This is excitiiiiing!!!!

Breakdown by Seether

BREAK BEGINS NOW

Please refrain from posting until the 9th of May.

THANK YOU​

​

Molly shrugged her shoulders. Jean, Errol, and even her mother were looking for answers right now on his disappearance. She remembered about the brash boy that had confronted her mother and she wondered how he was doing. Her mother told her that he was gone, just like Carter. Why were so many people disappearing suddenly? It bothered the four year old. She hoped her mom wouldn't be the next to disappear... She then looked to the other members of the academy, watching them silently.

She saw Luna behind the pillar and giggled, skipping over to her. She smiled up at her and offered her a hand. She knew what it was like to be shy, but these people were somewhat nice. They weren't going to bite or be mean. And if they were mean, Molly might have a word or two for them in her own way. She then looked at Alex, and the photograph he was holding up. It was another boy. He looked older than Carter. Molly then looked to Luna, seeing what she thought about it.

​

Synced: End of the day is tomorrow. If you want to wrap things up now, flashback on the day it restarts again, leave it at an awkward cliff...

​

"Huh?" Kiki looked up from blowing her bubbles for Rachel to her father, raised eyebrow in confusion. "You don't have to say sorry to me," the pink haired girl said with a small smile as she tilted her head. "Ryan, Jex, and Christie are the ones that need to hear it the most. I don't." Kiki turned back to the little girl, blowing more imaginary bubbles to keep her happy in this dismal place. The girl heard someone shouting in the lobby and looked at the door momentarily. She could feel the strong emotions of anger immitting from the lobby down the hallway, back to her. "And probably Jex's cousin," Kiki said softly with a little frown.

​

Molly hesitated, wondering how to explain this without words... Suddenly remembering something, the little girl's eyes brightened as she reached for her dress pocket. She carefully pulled out a folded photograph, taking it out of its folds to show the teenage boy the contents. She held it up for him to see, smiling. There was a blonde hair woman, her mom, standing behind her two children with a tired smile on her face while a younger Molly and a younger Carter stood in front. Carter was tickling Molly while Molly was trying to squirm away. The little girl stood there expectantly, hoping that the man would get what she was trying to say.

​

PT-03 came back to the room along with the two food service robots again on its heels. One food service robot began to clean up the spilled food while the other gave Colton a whole new tray of food. After the second robot placed the food tray down, it went over to Mai's and took the food, getting a silent command that the girl would not be able to eat tonight. As soon as the mess was cleaned up and things were taken care of, the robots left without a word, locking the door behind them.

PT-03 dispensed new medication and held out the small tray for Colton to take the pills in the cup as well as a type of liquid syrup. "I have dispensed the medications you have rejected earlier. You will need them to get better. I have also brought you some cherry flavored medicine to help with that cough. You will be better in no time."

Mai's eyes had fluttered open when her breathing was reduced to somewhat normal under the oxygen mask. She saw the scenery around her and gasped in awe. She could see flowers of all different types and hear the birds singing back and forth. It had been so long since she had seen anything like this. She smiled under her oxygen mask, fighting to keep her eyes open and focus on the beauty she could see. "Thank you," she whispered and sent as a thought to Colton, smiling as much as her weakened body would allow her to. The pain was gradually fading away as a warmth ran through her veins. The anti-venom was doing its magic on her.

She heard a voice of another male. It sounded unfamiliar to her... She looked to where it was coming from and saw the boy talking to Colton through blurred vision. He didn't look like a scientist or someone from the government... In fact, he looked around her age, maybe older. Freaks. She heard that word. Mai was too tired to respond and she was afraid of talking to him through the mind. Why did he come here? How did he get here?

OOC: WHERE DID YA COME FROM COTTON EYED JOE?! -shot-

​

Kytheria nodded her head, smirking as she did so. "A double-powered, can do both weird mind trick methods. Family thought was completely exterminated by rogue Raven. Popped up a few years ago. Little Nephew is also alive... Hard to track, hard to find. But with death they will soon dine..." Kye giggled at the thought, folding her arms across her chest as she stared at the sick boy sitting behind the clear prison and chatting away with the strange boy. "Careful, careful," Kye muttered lowly. "Bite the hand that feeds you and you will see..." She then looked back at Lukey, tilting her head. "Methinks the Errol is from same city as sicky boy. Lots of sightings, lots of powers," she made a quiet explosion noise, making her hands pop out like fire works and then trickle down like embers. "Fall in shadows in one way or another... Friend should know." She raised an eyebrow at Lucas, indicating that she was referring to the recent kidnapping that had happened. She was invited to go, but could not. Now it was time to watch the fall out. "Dark shadows hides deadly monsters... Bad deeds will attract mind benders... Moth to fire, same, same."

​

Strain watched as the boy walked away, unsatisfied with his answer. Well, one less emergency to worry about. He observed as Shane talked to Colton, keeping a cold eye on the pair. Conspiracy and a plan to escape was the last thing they needed. Shane was a boy who wanted quick results. If he didn't get what he wanted or even see something he didn't like, Strain was sure there was going to be an uprising of some kind. What idiots they were. Strain pressed an earpiece in his ear, reaching Isabella's walkie-talkie. "He's all yours," he said as he looked over to Mai, clearly exhausted from the day. "Watch him carefully... He might rattle some cages."

​

Danni was about to protest when Brendan took her away from the counter. She wanted results, she wanted answers. But neither were going to come to her so easily. She had to take the hard route and be patient... Something she wasn't keenly skilled at. She saw Ryan, the boy that was all mopey over Jex for some reason. Errol told her not to worry about it and so she didn't. But now she had to face him. Well, she was bound to meet him eventually since Errol had told her he was a telekinetic. Now was not the best time though, but Danni kept her mouth shut, looking at the boy with her fierce green eyes.

When he was finished explaining, Danni ended up with more questions than answers. Her little patience she had was wearing thin. "Sorry? Sorry doesn't cut it. Sorry-" she stopped herself, clenching her fist as she jerked her head to look to the floor. "Look, I don't know why you're so special to my cousin, or... Whatever is going on... But didn't you have some guy shoot you three weeks ago?" she asked, being very critical. "Hello! Common sense!" Danni tapped her forehead a few times. "Why do you think Miss Justice and her daughter stayed put? They almost got killed too-"

She stopped herself, again. This wasn't helping anything. She was just bitching and trying to place the blame on something that just couldn't be. She exasperated, shaking her head. "Well, he must care enough for you not to let your sorry ass get hurt or get in the way... Where's Christie?" Danni asked, suddenly realized a mentioned party member was missing. "Who is this Kiki anyways?"

​

Rose hissed when the blade glazed across her cheek, wincing as she turned her head to the side, pressing her hand on the cut. She still stood her ground though. If men like this were after Jex, they weren't going to be nice and drop by to say hi and give him flowers. She then turned back to him, glaring at the man. She was not going to give her answer so easily, even if she was threatened with some salt. She only shuddered a bit as the salt was thrown in the air, but she stood her ground. "No," she said flatly. "I'm not going to tell you where he is or anything about him. Not now, not ever." Rose was stubborn, true to her word. If she was going to die because of this, fine. At least she could say she never betrayed a friend. ​

​

Well, due to some circumstances of being worried, I found myself here, reading your story. I will also be critiquing as I'm reading along. xD

Spoiler: Chapter 1

• The window opened outward, an eight year olds purple short haired head poking out

My suggestion: The window opened outward, an eight year old with purple short hair poked his head out. (It's a little less wordy)

• “Judith don’t be silly. What horrors can possibly occur?” she asked, an edgy smile showing her disbelief. Judith protested. “I’m not lying! I have never been so sure in my life!”

My suggestion: “Judith don’t be silly. What horrors can possibly occur?” she asked, an edgy smile showing her disbelief.
(New Paragraph Space)
Judith protested. “I’m not lying! I have never been so sure in my life!”

(It's always good to start a new paragraph when someone else is speaking. It might confuse readers otherwise.)

• “Wait Judith! Come now, don’t be upset!” she said, not knowing whether to stop her or to help her off the chair. With a stern look, Judith looked at her. “How can I not be upset? My own friend whom I’ve known for years doesn’t even believe me!” she stated, slowly walking away. Helen hastily got in front of her not wanting to leave things like that. She hesitated in saying anything. Helen looked away, briefly, contemplating on the news. Minutes passed without a word having been said.

(Again)
“Wait Judith! Come now, don’t be upset!” she said, not knowing whether to stop her or to help her off the chair.
(New Paragraph)
With a stern look, Judith looked at her. “How can I not be upset? My own friend whom I’ve known for years doesn’t even believe me!” she stated, slowly walking away.
(New Paragraph)
Helen hastily got in front of her not wanting to leave things like that. She hesitated in saying anything. Helen looked away, briefly, contemplating on the news. Minutes passed without a word having been said.

• “Mom mom! King Fydlon is in the plaza! He has an announcement to make!” he shouted in excitement, the joy in his expression clear as day.

My suggestion: “Mom, mom! King Fydlon is in the plaza! He has an announcement to make!” he shouted in excitement, the joy in his expression clear as day.

(Just a little coma error. If characters say double words in a sentence, it's good to break it up with a little comma)

• Considering the time of the year, she knew for certain it wasn’t for a festival.
• “Almost done, why don’t you go brush up? I should be done by then.”
• “Really, is that all you boys did?”
• with a cat’s eye design decorates the front of this man’s belt, which held (You put holds, careful of verb tenses) up long cargo pants

And since this thing didn't wait till I was done editing and whatnot and posted without my say so, HERE IS THE FINAL WORD OF THIS: Not a bad beginning to a fanfiction. I did get lost with all the... flowery like words. It seemed like I was reading a bunch of fluff and not enough concrete wording to make my mind picture what was being written. Like I found myself skipping over sentences because I was getting impatient with trying to piece everything together in my head. But then again, this is chapter one, and you did post it like... Last year I think. I know my writing style changes a bit each year.

Frankly, I'm surprised no one's taken the time to try to read it and comment on it here.

Next time I'm going to copy and paste the chapter and just highlight my edits in red. That way, it'll be easier to see where I found things that were sketchy to me. Pretty brave of you to post on a forum for everyone to see. Keep it up! I'll keep reading

I see nothing... Is it see-through?

I LIIIIIVE! Turns out I was exempt from finals... Muwhahahaha.

I've got something for you

Spoiler