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Only crit would be....DAMNZ he looks so young!

Other than that wonderful job and loving the smooth coloring!

Whoa whoa whoa! It was originally supposed to be KH-related? *looks at own entry's progress* I didn't do that! o_o

I loooove your art! It makes me feel warm n' fuzzy inside! 8D

I lol at that. Ah well, BOAEOWTH. *squeeks that's right!*

YAYZ SHE LIKES IT!

Well your work is rather motivating. >8D

Round 13:

Sora: WHERE'S WALDO?!

or

"BRB for dinner. -Genie from bottle"

Full-Scale Review/Critique!

Here is my Chapter by Chapter critique. Read it as though I have just finished reading each chapter individually- I would have made it more in paragraph form but then it would take up even more space...anyway:

Chapter 1

Wording is decent, although simple but this is a given considering that Liamura/Marluxia is rather young at the time, so complex imagery would seem out of place. Origins for him liking flowers is not explained, but this is a detail that is left to slide, "perhaps it shall be talked about in the later chapters".

However, how he becomes a Nobody/Heartless is left rather ambiguous. Same for the sudden weapon acquirement. Once more, it is assumed it may be elaborated on later.

Odd that he was abducted on a bus. Braig/Xigbar as well. Given his agegroup it seems....a little off in comparision to the game's storyline.

Chapter 2

The introduction to the other ten is rather crude. Luxord, Xaldin, Demyx, Saix, and Lexaeus appear to be... without much comment on all this (Lexaeus and Xaldin can slide, but not someone like Demyx or Luxord....)- then again they are not a main focus.

How he got his title in this characterization was actually done in rather good taste in my opinion. But I think Xigbar should have thrown in more belittling about his rationality of the word choices...

How Xigbar lost his eye also seemed a touch awkward, as did the word usage of "poke". Using "poke" detracted from it in the descriptive sense. Poking is what you do to eggs, stabbing is what you do with sharp things.

The room elaboration was not neccessary, in fact more focus seemed to be placed into it then in the other details of the chapter, but that's entirely my opinion. The visit from Saix was somewhat abrupt. Even though it was in character, it was really spontaneous, or at least it reads as being very random.

Chapter 3

Once more at the group gathering, several of the other members are missing! Luxord appears to be completely absent and the only reason why I am noting this is because he came ONE ranking before Marluxia! Shouldn't the guy with manners and a gambling issue take any interest at all??

Demyx seems unsuited for explaining things, because how could someone like him be so...observant of the powers of a Nobody (and wouldn't they send more or possibly punish Marluxia for the whole stabbing out Xigbar's eye incident) ? Ah well, he's patient enough and he's of a low enough "rank" so why not?

The emotins that follow the fight with Axel seem a little forced. Was Marluxia feeling proud of being praised? Was he happy he got back at Axel for something? Is it the start of being drunk on power? Is it the twisted respect? You don't really state it that clearly.

As for the dinner scene. All of the other members appear to be missing, especially the other current neophytes (7-10, except 8).

Once again there is a lot of focus on the meals over other events in the chapter. And, not that Marluxia shouldn't do the dishes, but don't they have any Dusks runnning around yet?

Chapter 4

Hair dye was obviously a prank. .......it's actually quite difficult to dye one's hair, but sure. o_o

And damn Demyx is young. He must have been a child prodidgy with that sitar.

This was more of a filler chapter, so not much else to mention. However the lack of the other members continues to bother me.

Chapter 5

Introduction of Namine...however her existence eludes me given the game's timeline. Same for DiZ, I swore he hated all Nobodies and wouldn't just hand her over to them.

Xemnas's instructions seem too...open, especially to someone new like Marluxia. Why would he tell him all that information? Especially the manipulation and needing her trust?

Chapter 6

The interactions and developing character-relationship between Marluxia and Namine were good in this chapter.

However in other aspects, the plot seemed to have been moving forceably along to introduce Renale/Larxene.

There was also a slight POV change in one of the paragraphs from 3rd to 1st and back to 3rd.

The Renale/Larxene and Axel interaction was funny and flowed well in the context of the chapter.

Renale's transformation to Larxene is omitted, not that it's important (considering this is supposed to center around Marluxia) but its odd. Xemnas's orders are also odd and seem out of character considering he is supposed to be doing other, Kingdom Hearts related things.

Chapter 7

This reads like a filler chapter. It could appear to be development between Marluxia and Larxene, but I don't know.

It was a random that he forgot his pants.

Chapter 8

There is a paradox where Marluxia and Larxene go on a date.

The Axel and Larxene thing seemed out of place. Their relationship is never really explained in the chapter, nor were their any previous hints.

Chapter 9

The insertion of "flash back" seems out of place. According to chapter 1, this is all a flash back isn't it?

The confrontation between Marluxia and Axel starts out as any fight should, but it ends weirdly. Marluxia merely leaves and states that he likes to fight. In all of the other chapters up until now he hasn't fought, or at least it hasn't been mentioned, so the statement is out of place.

The time jump makes sense for Marluxia, but his reasoning for liking fighting isn't clarified enough. Does he like his flowers because those were his first love? Does he like fighting because he doesn't have to think? Is he recalled the time he first fought Axel and was praised for his power? Does he like tending to Namine because she is predictable and therefore more enjoyable to keep around?

Xemnas's logic for how Larxene is a "good friend" with Namine doesn't make much sense. You previously said she had become a sadistic woman. Was she merely selective of it?

Marluxia's motivation for making Namine change Sora's memories just appears out of nowhere. Some parts of his dialogue also do not make much sense. Mainly the "you can make him love you". Why would she need that if Marluxia had been taking care of her for the past 7+ years? Or had he recently started being evil? It was never said so it is not known.

Chapter 10

Xemnas's blatant statements are badly phrased...

Namine's reactions seem badly timed in that in the previous chapter Marluxia just finished telling her she wouldn't feel guilt for what she thought/knew she was doing wrong. The mention of Vexen is also not clarified.

Marluxia finally makes up with Larxene but it feels odd overall. Axel's suggestion about overthrowing the Organization seems out of place too, why would Marluxia suddenly want to take over it? Considering Axel didn't know about Marluxia's and Larxene's plans to betray the Organization, I would think Axel would be left out of that conversation.

ENDING

Marluxia acquired Specter (his giant, personal Nobody of DOOM power) is not mentioned. Neither is why he despises Vexen, Zexion OR Lexaeus. Lexaeus actually isn't even mentioned. Marluxia's motivations for betraying the Organization aren't described. And although you said you would make him evil, we saw one incident of power-egotism and much later an episode of brief anger out from betrayal. How one works with someone who once betrayed your trust makes little sense in the case of Marluxia. Also how did Namine turn from his "best friend" into "just a tool"?

Aside from this, there were errors when words were mispellt or words with very similar spellings were confused. These are common errors, but they should still be fixed. (some of these examples would be "feel" and "fell") Some stronger vocabulary could have also been used as well. "Cool" is not typcially a good descriptive word.

You should also take your time when typing, don't put a quota on how much each chapter has to be but instead set up vague guidelines or goals for the story so that you don't have such vast time or event gaps.

Anyway, thank you for reading this and thank you for writing your story. I hope you somehow find this critique helpful. Keep on writing.

This may be a slight tangent but I THINK it is a semi-relevant one.

Evolution supplies a better suggestion as to why we have different genelogical ethnicities. (IE why certain races have certain different physical traits and such.) Whereas creationists merely say "ADAM + EVE = somehow every person the planet currently".

What supports evolution more in my opinion is that the theory says that there was a main continent with the roots of mankind (I have no idea which one in specific or what, but this is merely the geist of the concept) which eventually broke off after they were seperated. The difference of climates/environments caused for the specific traits and seperate cultures to develop and so forth.

The bible (Christianity in this case because that appears to be the most used in this debate) on the other hand only talks specifically about the lands where the bible was written in (which is techinically what is now the middle east).

Also, why was man created out of sand/mud/earth while every other living creature was created via biblical POOF? And even more so, woman out of sand/mud/earth-man's RIB? Logically evolution which is through CELL PRODUCTION (we know cells exist and can have a dramatic impact on "creation", if you deny it please refer to the zygote's development into a fetus), is far more believable then the "crude artisan's" depiction.

Random Side-Note: Didn't God LIE to Adam about the tree of good and evil? He said CERTAIN DEATH (which typcially means you die instantly) if Adam and Eve ate from the tree, but instead they died after a long period of time (supposively, does the Bible even tell us when/how or do they omit it along with how Adam's wives spontaneously existed?) I'm not really an avid reader of the Bible or anything, so it might just be a translation inconsistancy. But if he did, didn't he just break one of his own laws? c_c

(This sounded interesting, so I'm throwing my 2cents in)

Story: I agree with yours but would add in more details like the beginning would be something revolving around recruitment, training and then war. After the mandatory introduction (safe) level, probably a focus on some missions (middle risk) and then all out exploration/destruction (pretty much a battle royale option).

OverView: There are three sides (Light, Dark and middle) and three main classes of Attacker, Defender and Balance (Attacker/Defender, knows both but does not master either). The three classes shoulder be self-explanitory.

Attacker - Masters most destructive skills but needs some amount of planning if they plan to last long due to lack of recovery/stamina/consistancy. They also require a lot of training (read that as skill growth). Can be a destructive caster or warrior obviously.

Defender - Has the most stamina, counterattacks and recooperative skills (as well as the most item-related skills and mastery). Patience and planning is a must if they plan to win. Can be a shield or medic obviously.

Balancce - Utilizes both beforementioned classes main signitures but not in the same degree of mastery. (Think jack of all trades but master of none). Can have a focus of attacks over defense or vice-versa but still the flexibility of the other class.

Level Up: There are level ups but they are not as significant as say, customizing your weapon. (Its called keyblade wars, not keyblade warrior) So the only way to see a significant difference in ability is, 1.) Using skills repeatedly 2.) Seeking ways to upgrade your weapon. Weapon upgrades are done via MOOGLE WORKSHOP. And specific items (consistantly) added onto your weapon will have various effects. IE: Twilight Shard + Twilight Gem would have a greater effect then say Twilight Shard + Lucid Gem. Doing so will also trigger your weapon to have greater proficiency.

GamePlay: Beginning/Tutorial levels are not mandatory but they will be the "safe zone" where you can't be attacked by others. Mission/Skirmish levels (25-50) would be the ones you would party with people or you could try to solo with difficulty. Exploration levels (35+) would be after completing a couple missions you can unlock other worlds to visit as well as possibly encounter PVPers. War levels (70+) would be all-out mayhem.

GamePlay2: Another aspect of this would be what determines Light, Dark and Neutral. Some upgrades/level-ups can only be accomplished by slaughtering others (they would drop preordained items based on the level difference) or bartering (inventory) with them. Killing will get you Dark points, Bartering or revenge PVP will get you Light points. Neutral would actually be the title for those who avoid the Explore/War Zones completely.

GamePlay3: The skills available to Light/Dark/Neutral, I dunno. But they would exist. c_c

......Uhm yeah that's all I can think of at this moment. :P

Hmm.. out of curiosity, would you mind it if I told you what I thought was going to happen or at least what I thought you were trying to say each chapter?

*Think of this as the harshest level of critique and the most opinionated version.*

Well....honestly that was kind of abrupt in the end, and I thought you said there would be eleven chapters. *counts ten* Is there one missing?

For Chapter 8 and 9.

So Marluxia somehow....forgives Larxene in end right? *I don't expect a reply, you probably have it planned out*

Also.....isn't there a plothole in terms of time? The whole....Namine existing seperate from Kairi thing? Ah well, not my story.....

*I had school so this reply is PRETTY LATE*

Hey, just a little information, that IS my opinion, I'm sticking by it and if anyone has any opinions based on others, ITS YOU, WHO'S STICKING TO THE BIBLE AS THEIR MAIN DEFENSE (a majority of your posts aslo revolve around it being 'wrong' and saying that as long as they aren't near you you're fine and then you claim you're not homophobic as well as they you don't like their 'arrogance' in their sexuality which I persoanlly have never SEEN, so yes you have contradicted yourself). That and do you get off making such unfounded claims? I've stood by my opinion BASED ON what I have seen and I will stand by it no matter what! By the way, you just made a direct attack on me by calling me gutless. Way to be a hypocrite when it comes to "OH PEOPLE ATTACK ME BECAUSE OF MY OPINION!!!" nice job. But I digress.

How was I unintelligent in stating that you sounded like you were making a big deal, last I checked you people considered SATAN a VERY BIG DEAL. You say "make no big deal of it" then you tell people to MOVE TO CANADA as your solution?! That sounds rather unintelligent there. What if they don't want to move to Canada, WHAT IF THEY CAN'T? Not everyone has the funding to do so, nor the ability and that's not even the main point! They have as much a right to be in this country as your or me or any other CITIZEN. Of course, if I wanted to be REALLY technical, I could suggest the same half-baked solution to you, you don't like it here in the US with the prospects of gay unity/marriage? Well then YOU SHOULD MOVE YOURSELF! See, not much of a solution is it? Or if I really wanted to be harsh, I would say "y'all should just wait until you die cause in your heaven with God there won't 'be' any homosexuals up there, so why are you causing them grief now?"


And in reference for the thread itself most recently, it became an off-topic when the Bible was referenced even more as an arguement. Hence why there're so many tangents. Come to think of it, does anything aside from the Bible (and people who study the Bible or those who're homophobic) who really have anything against gay unity/marriage? :\

The first statement is entirely up to interpretation, I will not make a comment on that.

As for your credit, also debatable, you've been preaching the same point depite the valid counterpoints people like Saix have made. I don't know if you're ignoring them or just don't have the time to find them, but lets give you the benefit of the doubt and say its the latter.

....Sorry Roxma but you just contradicted yourself with a REALLY weird point. "Not make a big deal"?? They're being barred and you're saying they shouldn't make a big deal? They aren't forcing you to watch their marriage, they're barred because of your "fellows" and have been for a long time. It's escalated to enough people so that it is a big deal. And....you're making a rather pompous decision right there, saying "if they don't make a big deal about it, which they WILL, then they don't deserve it". That's a rather harsh declaration right there, tell me are you representative of God in the bibblical sense? Or is there a quote that says that in some ambiguous way in the bible?

But anyway, you made a rather big contradiction....how can you NOT make a big deal over something that has ALWAYS been barred to you? Or is your solution to simply"make them move to Canada" as you said ealier? I believe you also stated that "Satan would have a big victory" if it was ever allowed in the US, so aren't you also making a big deal?

Such high expectations! ....you said...anything can go in the area riiiight?

Having counterarguements made against you is not an attack, this is not an attack either, I am merely pointing out this fact.

On another note, you never replied to my counterstatement about your "arguement" that having two gay parents is worse then having one. Well?

(Now that could have been used to defend your point, but you instead reverted to only one viewpoint which people keep on logically (with actual quotes) disproving.)

(This is an off-topic, the last from my end I swear) No one directly insulted you, they made valid points (for the most part) against your arguement, not you as an individiual, they identified your contradicting points and that is not an insult rather a defense/offense spurred on by your arguement. Everyone should read everyone else's posts carefully before making a statement, LOOK AT THE ENTIRE PRESENTED STATEMENT AS A WHOLE, NOT EXCLUSIVE POINTS (unless you are eliminating irrelative statements) THEY ARE PUT TOGETHER FOR A REASON. Anyway, I'm off my little soap-box for now.....

Joy 8D

Well, the home will still be visible in some form I guess. You know like a backyard BBQ or something (flaming neighbors XD).