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♥ Lydlr dra Nyeh ♥ said: ↑

Hmm.

Ok, I will be completely honest with you.

As a prologue or an opening to a longer story I really like it, it sets an atmosphere and pulls the reader in.

As a stand alone short story though I don't rate it. It is over too fast and whilst short stories are meant to be short it feels almost like it is over before it has started. It also feels awkward to me that they have already been at Cameron's house for a few hours before thinking about something to do, what did they do in those hours?

You have good control of dialogue IMO (which is something I always struggle with), and your grasp of English is decent too. I did notice one spelling error:

As well as this, which is me being picky:

Is he a man or a boy? If you are having an issue with finding the right word, maybe change it to "The woman lunged towards him" or something similar?
This is just personal taste but please avoid using similies such as <quote> and <quote> when describing attributes of people. It does create the idea of a supernatural atmosphere, since the mind automatically associates these two things in particular with the supernatural, but in this context they seem cliched.

I think that you use the noun "liquid" too much and would perhaps benefit from using other words such as a substitute, for example fluid. It almost seems as though you are afraid of the word blood. Don't be afraid of words, you control them not the otherway around (disregard if I misinterpreted this).
For your first go at a short story I have seen much worse, I think with practice and time you will become a lot better. As I already said, as an opening to a longer story I think it is great, just not as a stand alone short.

If it helps, I always find it hard to adapt things I have written for different purposes too :B maybe work on writing some short stories that are written for that purpose instead of changing pieces you have written for something else.

This section I really liked, especially since it contrasts with the idea of her being feeble in an earlier paragraph. You have a really nice use of imagery, I can picture her stood there over him, full of contempt. The flicking of her hair is a nice touch, it is a feminine move, quite a girlish thing to do, and it makes the idea of her being this calculating, cold killer more unsettling.

That being said, I hate you, my bathroom has no windows and I am already scared to be in there in the dark >:

p.s Please don't send dead zombie girls to kill me D: I think you have a lot of potential <3
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I actually brought this story in to my Language Arts teacher at school today, and he went over it with me, and bassically said these things. And I'm planning on revising this, so I'll throw in something that the two of them could have been doing during that time.

When I was first writing this, it was orginally going to be the prolouge to a much longer story I've been trying to write, and Mary was chasing after an unnamed man. I guess I forgot to change that one part to "Cameron" Instead of "The Man".

I've had a trouble with using similies a lot in the past, so this is one of the many things I'm planning on changing. For some reason when I write, I have a hard time thinking of other words to use in places, so that's definetly something I'm going to work on.

Thanks, though I really do have a lot to improve on. Also, The orginal writing that was the prolouge to the longer story, was a lot different, aside from the small chase scene, and the characters. It had no real explanation, except to demonstrate what the main characters in the long story would be up against later in the book.

And the zombies are gonna be dissapointed they won't get their dinner now >:

But thanks :D

p.s. sorry if the text burns >:D

Cariad said: ↑

Wow, you actually used the name Jesus after all? xD Heh, awesome.
I will not give much opinion to this since I will be judging this after all but I will say that it's a well written story.

I don't have many complaints (though as Kay said the repition of "liquid" was just too much) but I will say two things.

To me, Jesus' answer doesn't seem right. If someone suggested this to you, you wouldn't reply "oooh" and be happy about it. You'd probably either be doubtful or frightened if you were younger. A more confident child like Jesus seems to be would probably be the former.
The second thing I'd like to say is that Mary just alltogether reminds me of the girl off The Ring xD With the dark hair and pale face and just walking towards her victims. You've got some good description, though to me you mentioned blood a bit too often too.
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Why yes, I did xD

Thanks, and like I said a minute ago, the whole repitition thing is something I'm gonna fix.

Yeah, I guess your right about this. I remeber when I first tried the whole Bloody Mary thing, I was kinda scared. But most of the fright came when my friend came out of the bathroom stall covered in ketchup to scare me. xD

The girl from the Ring came to mind when writing this, so yeah, I guess I kinda subconciously made Mary look like her. And I didn't think I used Blood to much, but I'll try to fix that xD

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