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I just went through my old files and found a word document that I must have written well over a year ago (the document says January 19th 2015) and am quite sad that I never posted it. It is the reason for my year long disappearance and so although it's not really relevant now I wanted to post it to explain my absence. It was my resignation letter that I never sent out of fear. After writing it, I stayed and tried my best to stay active for about 10 months but it didn't go well until I couldn't log on out of shame. But, this last year was the break I needed and am happy to be back.

This is quite personal but I wanted to share it to perhaps try and redeem myself. But this is also a 'hi I'm back even though I have been here the last 5 days' thread.

Spoiler

Hello everyone, I just wanted to say that every single one of you has been wonderful in all your work, support and friendship. I have deep regrets about this already but know it's the right thing to do right now as I don't feel like I have done enough to deserve the title of super moderator as of late.

I suppose I want to justify my lack of activity due to my thinly spread attention. I have recently come to university which means I am balancing my degree with supporting my living, having a social life, working my job, trying to maintain a long distance relationship, doing reading, having fun and just trying to fit in. Sadly, it's meant a few things have had to give in my life, KHV included, but I also have barely spoken to a few of my close friends or even my parents, I'm still trying to work out this balancing act. It probably also hasn't helped that I have not been well over the last 6 months or so, my eating has deteriorated leaving me depressed and weak to all activities, if I can't be happy in my social life then I don't know how I can possibly motivate myself in my online duties.

I will be honest, other reasons why my motivation has decreased have been my years of work on the graphic art section have fallen on people's lack of interest in it and my shame about it has made me want to stay away and not try to improve it. There was a high demand for an artists section that no one now touches and I don't want to think about it.

I am not one for procrastination or lack luster work but I need to sort out my priorities in life right now and so perhaps it's better to focus on my university life and mental health before doing much more. I don't want this to be the end, I love it here which is why I've been so hesitant in handing in my resignation so I make this promise: If I ever come back (which I do plan to one day), I will be certain in my activity levels, I will be certain in my ability to deliver as a potential staff member and I will have my motivation back. However, to achieve these I feel like I must get to know KHV again as a member and not log on dreading the guilt I face for my lack of work each time.

I wrote this to convince myself that I needed to actually post this thread as opposed to putting it off again as well as hopefully getting you all to understand my position and not make my mistakes or go down the same thought patterns.

If this choice was simply down to the wonderful team we have here then I would stay in a heart beat, but sadly it's not that simple and I want you all to know that.

Spoiler

@Misty - I will always have the utmost respect for you, you work hard and have done endless amount of work toward this site, I wish you the best and really hope you get to buy the site one day and get to where you want to in life, you truly deserve it.

@Plums - You will have to proudly carry the name of Crimson brigade as you are the last one left. Again, I have so much respect for you and wish you the absolute best. I always looked up to you and the amount of work you did. Stay cool, and never change.

RvR- Where are you? You were awesome and now you've gone away D :

@Stardust - The longest running super mod and fellow video editor! I have always looked up to you too as the super moderator and all your hard work toward the top 5 and the site in general. I do wish you the absolute best and please don't get killed by any natural disaster ;-;

@Llave - My fellow art buddy : D I'm glad you came back and wish you the best in your artistic endevours! I love your work and have always been jealous of your abilities, I felt I could never live up to it but that's not a bad thing, it just shows that you were more cut out for this job than I and I hope you carry on working hard for all it's worth : D

@libregkd - Again, you have done so much for this site, all your coding and dedication, you deserve the name of Super Moderator and hope you wear it proudly : D Keep up the good work and enjoy yourself.

@Cat~ - Where do I even begin? You have been one of my closest friends for ages now and I am so thankful to call you friend. I am terrible at replying to things but this won't break up the bromance! It just can't ;-; I do hope to stay on KHV as your fellow bro so we can again take over threads and stuff. Although our time on staff was brief together, I know you deserve it and continue to work hard because you do so much for this site, I can see it and I hope you feel appreciated. Also, you'll never get rid of me from your life >:3 I will always be there. Cat, never change, you have been so patient with me throughout our friendship and I can never thank you enough. When I think I deserve to be shouted at, you reply with calm acceptance and I can never get over that, I feel so terrible at times when you are so dedicated and I have no excuse good enough but you are so gracious toward me... so thank you for what I don't deserve.

@Kites - Thank you for your work and I know you will go far! : D I'm sad that I didn't get to know you that well but I wish you all the best in all that you do.

@cstar - I wish I got to know you better as well, I don't doubt that you will do well and work hard in what you want.

@What? - I have seen your work for this site and your amazingly hard work done outside the site. I always respected and looked up to you so I can't thank you enough for everything you have done for this site and the people on it. Stay strong : D

@Krowley - Your songs, your voice. Please please please keep up your awesome talents. I still have the song you wrote me with the lyrics to the beauty and the beast song altered : D it makes me very happy and you must continue your awesome villain voice! The world need it.

@Calxiyn - I wish I knew you better too, but I have seen that you want what is best for this site and you work hard so keep it up.

@Mixt - Man, you've been here forever : D I have the utmost respect for all you have done for this site and thank you so much for it! Keep it up Mixt, you've always been a great contributor.

@Karuta - I wish I got to know you better as well, but I knew that you would do well when you were promoted so I wish you the absolute best and please keep it up : D

@Sabby - It's great to see you back! I have looked up to you since I became staff and was deeply saddened by your departure so I wish you all the best again and continue all that you have done for this site. Thank you.

@Roxam (new note: Roxam I don't know your new username D: )- My fellow Whovian! I was so happy when you got promoted, I knew you would bring alot to this site and work hard which you have and so thank you for that : D stay strong, and be the best you can be.

If I have missed someone, I am sorry, there have been a lot of staff changes recently and it's hard to keep track ;-; but you are here for a reason and know that reason is positive. It takes a lot to be hired on this staff team and you have proved yourself and that is enough to earn my respect.

Any messages were to whoever was on staff at the time. I don't know what I expect from posting this now but it's got a lot off my chest.

Hai again.