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It's like cheese from heaven.

I apologize for the typos that might appear. D: And I guess I should start from the beginning, hm? Well...

Today, I was walking to my art class since it was the last period of the day. I'm usually one of the first people to go in to the classroom, along with this guy named Issac. Issac has a tendency to mess with everyone in the class, including me. He does little things like poking, giving a shove for no reason, talking negatively about others, and other ignorant stuff. While I was going through some things inside of my book-bag, he randomly clocked me in the back of the head and started laughing along with a few of his friends. I already wasn't in much of a good mood, so as a reflex I immediately slapped him across the face. It was hard, and plus I was wearing a ring at the time...but I'm not sure if it hurt him much.

One of his friends was like, "Dude, let it go. Just let it go." I stayed where I was because it all happened so quickly and I couldn't seem to register that I just slapped him. I was thinking 'Shit! Is he going to try to fight me now?'

Issac looked shocked and hurt at first, but then suddenly he snatched up my bag full of things and dumped it right into the nearest trash can in the room. The teacher walked in a few moments later, I explained everything to her, and she sent us both to the Dean's office. We both walked along the hallways, talked to some people, and then we were both sent back to class. The dean did nothing but made us apologize two each other. :| Basically, he pretty much said "It's Thanksgiving Break and you both seem like okay people, so I'm not going to do anything and hope you guys get along lol."

Anyhow, when we got back to class I acted like nothing happened when in the inside I was extremely pissed. It didn't help when everyone started making comments about how I reacted. (Oh, and while I was at the dean's a few things of mine were stolen. <<) Like "Why the hell were you just standing there? I would've kicked his ass!" or "Wow, were you scared to fight or something?" or "I wish I was like you. I could never stay that calm." It wasn't like that at all.

No one knew how much I really wanted to slam his face against the wall and at least attempt beating him up (were around the same size). I'm still mad at him, but at myself too. I let him do little things similar to that before this incident. I didn't try to fight back when I had the perfect opportunity to do so. I thought I was using self control when I was dealing with him in the classroom, but now I'm not sure if that was actually the case. I guess I was afraid to do something. To stick up for myself.

This may not be too important, but I feel this has a connection to how I've been acting the last three years of my life. I was once living in a domestic and verbally abusive household. I wasn't allowed to sit in the living room, got food taken away from me if it seemed like I had too much, couldn't go to the restroom at a certain time, go things of mine broken when I did something "wrong" and bunch of other absurd things. I later got suicidal at one point, but after leaving that household I slowly got back to having a normal life. (I lived at the place for almost three years.) The only thing that didn't change was my attitude. I was used to getting pushed over, told what to do, used, ect. So I kept my emotions to myself and did as everyone told me too. Even people that had no kind of authority over me. It took me awhile, but I learned to say 'no' when I didn't want to do as they asked and I started to defend myself. This year I've been telling myself "I'll react next time something like that happens. I'll speak up and do this and do that." But I haven't. I'm much better at showing how I feel now, but sometimes I still lock my emotions up. If I'm angry, I won't show it because I'm afraid something bad will happen to me. If I'm extremely happy, I won't show it because I'm afraid of people teasing me or judging. Sometimes I have to force myself to get up and walk around to do things in the classroom because I'm paranoid that people will steal my things or point out things about me when I'm right out in the open.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, but how can I express myself more and learn not to have such negative thoughts or feelings?

If I wake up tomorrow will you still be here?