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Salty Bzallz; Get Your Salty Bzallz Here!

So, have fun.

It starts now. No cheating with txt tlk.

Hah, this means you cant even use "THE"
Oh the humanity.
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Jimmy was chowing on food and a big sound was loud, so jimmy was curious and wants to know what it was.

Jimmy walks toward a sound and saw that it was.............

"Hello and again welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment
Center. We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a
pleasant one. Your specimen has been processed and we are now ready to begin
the test proper. Before we start, however, keep in mind that although fun and
learning are the primary goals of the enrichment center activities, serious
injuries may occur. For your own safety, and the safety of others, please
refrain from-"

"Please place the Weighted Storage Cube on the 1500 megawatt Aperture Science
Heavy Duty Super-colliding Super-button."

"Unbelievable! You, {SUBJECT NAME HERE}, must be the pride of
{SUBJECT HOMETOWN HERE}"

"The device has been modified so that it can now manufacture two linked portals
at once. As part of an optional test protocol, we are pleased to present an
amusing fact. The device is now more valuable than the organs and combined
incomes of everyone in {SUBJECT HOMETOWN HERE}"

"Very very good. A complimentary victory lift has been activated in the main
chamber."

"Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture
Science Self Esteem Fund for Girls? It's true!"

"Due to mandatory scheduled maintanence, the appropriate chamber for this
testing sequence is currently unavailable. It has been replaced with a live-
fire course designed for military androids. The Enrichment Center apologizes
for the inconvenience, and wishes you the best of luck."

"The Vital Apparatus Vent will deliver a Weighted Companion Cube in three, two,
one."

"The symptoms most commonly produced by Enrichment Center testing are
superstition, perceiving inanimate objects as alive, and hallucinations. The
Enrichment Center reminds you that the weighted companion cube will never
threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak."

"The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube cannot
speak. In the event that the Weighted Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment
Center urges you to disregard its advice."

"You did it! The weighted companion cube certainly brought you good luck.
However, it cannot accompany you for the rest of the test and must,
unfortunately, be euthanized. Please escort your companion cube to the Aperture
Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator."

"The experiment is nearing its conclusion. The Enrichment Center is required to
remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake."

"Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when the platform was sliding into
the fire pit and i said 'Goodbye' and you were like 'NNOO WWAAYY", and then I
was all "We pretended we were going to murder you", that was great."

[Still Alive]
[Plays during the ending credits, accompanied by words on the screen]

[Test Assessment Report:]
"This was a triumph
I'm making a note here
HUGE SUCCESS!
It's hard to overstate
my satisfaction.
Aperture Science
We do what we must
Because we can
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who are dead

But there's no sense crying
over every mistake
You just keep on trying
'til you run out of cake
And the science gets done
And you make a neat gun
For the people who are still alive

[Personnel File Addendum:
Dear << Subject Name Here >>,]
I'm not even angry
I'm being so sincere right now
Even though you broke my heart
And killed me.

And tore me to pieces
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!

Now these points of data make a beautiful line
And we're out of beta
We're releasing on time.
And so I'm GLaD I got burned
Think of all the things we learned
For the people who are
Still alive.

[Personnel File Addendum Addendum:
One Last Thing:]
Go ahead and leave me
I think I prefer to stay inside
Maybe you'll find someone else
To help you.
Maybe Black Mesa...
THAT WAS A JOKE HAHA! FAT CHANCE!
Anyway this cake is great
It's so delicious and moist

Look at me still talking
When there's science to do
When I look up there
It makes me GLaD I'm not you
I've experiments to run
There is research to be done
On the people who are
Still alive!

[PS:] And believe me I am still alive
[PPS:] I'm doing science and I'm still alive
[PPPS:] I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive
[FINAL THOUGHT:]
While you're dying I'll be still alive

[FINAL THOUGHT PS:]
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE!
Still alive!"

Honestly, the other one is too crowded.