Well the issue is that I'm tired of everything. I'm so sick of being treated like I don't exist and the things I say somehow being taken in a completely different direction and way. I don't know how to do this anymore... There's a lot of new pain I've experienced in the past...heh, 24 hours actually. But the problem is these wounds aren't healing and this pain I feel in my heart is just...too real. From the very beginning, the reason I joined here was only to be involved in a roleplay where I could show everyone and express just how freely creative I can be and to meet people who shared the same love for Kingdom Hearts as I do. I can't coherently explain why I feel this way without sounding insane. I guess I should give it a try....well, to me being in an rp is like joining a family. The longer you rp with them, the closer you are to them. Even those who never speak to one another either in pm, vm or a simple OOC. But imagine a family of rp-ers that has dwindled to three of the original...and gained two new members even. And now take that lovely image and try to add someone else who goes against a small request of one of the original members of the family. Something smaller than small. Enough that it wouldn't even change barely anything of any part of this new member. And yet you are denied and suddenly two of your family side against you and belive you've done something horribly wrong. It's like you just killed their puppy and blamed it on a wolf and yet no matter how much you apologize or try to explain, you're ignored and treated worse than the wolf. Now you're left with two choices...one: leave your family forever or two: stay and be treated worse than the wolf in which you're stripped of your dignity, beaten, and even kicked when you're down on the ground as submissive as you can get. Now imaging your heart in the palm of the hands of your supposed family and have them rip that precious object to pieces. You can still feel the bite of their nails and the malicious hatred in their eyes...all that pain, focused on one thing... your heart. You'll find yourself where I am. The point isn't about the rp...it's that by leaving by my own choice, I watch my creations that I poured my heart into be unraveled and destroyed and molded into something that seems so horribly wrong that it's currently made me throw up twice. A lot of people would call me mentally unstable...and I know this is true. But I've never been a stable person. I don't cope well with severe anger or depression. The anger makes me ill and the depression makes me suicidal. I would never label myself stable and the one thing I had that kept me just a few feet from the border of stable and unstable has now been ripped from my heart. I'm not asking you to fix me. I'm asking that those who read this simply understand. For I can't be fixed and I can't be saved. I live a life where everyday I'm reminded of at least ten reasons why I don't want to be alive anymore and five reasons why I still am. And yet, the last straw has been cut and I can feel the wind rushing past my ear. Perhaps I should've labeled this goodbye....
I have severe anxiety about school and everything. I need to be isolated after school. Pasting on a fake smile and pretending like things are okay around my friends is tiring. School's stressful enough with everyone always picking at the little things I do. Even if I don't tell them, they make up wild accusations and I know I shouldn't let them bother me, but they do. My parents expect me to do all this stuff when I feel like I should crawl into a hole. Even today I came home with a really bad headache and now I can't eat. I tried to fix these things on my own but it seems like everytime I try to address the situation I just make it worse. Especially with my friends. I just can't socialize like a normal person and I'm worried it's pushing them over the edge, either that or me. I really don't know what I'm asking; advice, a solution to something, or maybe just someone to tell me I'm being an idiot. But some help would be nice.
I thought you did... Too bad, cause there is no cookies for you. Instead I have something a little more challenging. What came first, the Chicken or the Egg? I'm also going to flip a coin and see how many people get tails. I found a quarter today and I had a lot of sugar so do not judge me. If you get tails, you die. Get heads you live. Get it on it's side, you get a cookie, but honestly people, when does that ever happen?
He dominated me when I tried. Does anybody have a stratagy to defeat him? He is seriously the most cheap boss I've ever seen. Seymore Flux was way easy compared to him. Hell Orphan in FFXIII was a little kitten compared to how I fail at him. Anybody know a good way to beat Jecht?
I have a jerk problem KHV. You should help me out on how to either get along with him or punch him in the face but not get suspended. Okay, this guy (i won't use names cause who knows if he'd on here, though I doubt it) at my school is a serious jerk to me. I feel like I should be wearing a freaking bell that alerts him to when I'm coming just so he can be a jerk to me. My definition of jerk: "Anyone who does not awknowledge I exist via not speaking to me, not noticing I'm talking to them, or simply pretending I'm a damn ghost." Yeah it's a little self-centered but I used to be friends with this guy, he'd pick on me but at least he SPOKE to me! I don't get what would make him decide to hate me all of a sudden.
It's M.E.A. Weekend. I have the rest of the week off from school and I'm.....so bored! Let's do something fun KHV!
I'm back ~ You all know what that means...no? You don't? Okay so it just means I had to sign a contract with my mother and promise I wouldn't let my grades drop and to be social with my parents (ewwww) and such other nonsense. I just wanted to let people know so I don't have to send out a zillion (overexaggerating obviously) Pm's to people and tell them the same thing over again.
This is a story I started to write, I'll try to keep it updated but since I rarely get time to write, it may be a while...read it if you want. I'm open to criticism but please keep it creative. “*Sigh* where to begin…?†“Just start at the beginning.†“Right…the beginning.†A long time ago, a secret project was commenced by the founder of the SOL. The Secret Overworld Liberation front that was to cover for all the expenses that were being secretly forwarded to a laboratory underground. The scientists brought there were working on, or I should rather say, forced to work on a project in which they combined Biotech weapons with deceased human beings. This project was called…DBW - Dead Bio Weapons, or what the scientists started calling it…Gaia. It was just so people wouldn’t feel like they died for nothing. Their bodies would go to a greater purpose when they died. But…they were too attached to the project that even the smallest glitch would send thousands of them into madness. We were loosing scientists by the hour so they created me…Eden. They said I would be their salvation. A way to put the wrongs right and let them begin anew with a different project. The only fault was…I couldn’t do much. They had forgotten, in all their eagerness to put Gaia behind them, to give me what most humans have. A heart. Soul, heart, inner essence, whatever you want to call it…I didn’t have it. For the entirety of what you could call my childhood was spent training and learning how to act human and kill the DBW’s. Unfortunately, an accident occurred the night of my nineteenth year of creation. Soldiers from the government came to check up on where exactly their money was going and I was trying to enjoy my day. I could feel their heartbeats through me as if they were my own. Oh, but don’t worry…I’ll tell the story better… Gaia Backlab “It’s raining again…†Eden surprised the black haired man sitting quietly at his desk over a computer screen, “Oh? How do you know?†Eden though the question was rather ridiculous but if he didn’t want to know, he wouldn’t have asked. “I can hear the rain hitting the roof and walls…it’s a…sad sound?†He turned slightly at his desk to look at the brown haired, red eyed girl sitting on a bed. The straps they’d used to tie her down when she was younger hung limply from the sides. It seemed so long ago that they’d had to restrain her. She was so little back then, he couldn’t fathom how she could’ve frightened them. “Are you guessing?†Eden jerked her head up toward him, blinked her blood red eyes and looked up at the ceiling. She knew above that ceiling, there was nothing but dirt and stone and then the headquarters of SOL. “No…it’s raining.†He turned fully to look at the girl he’d raised from a strange test tube baby, “I meant that you think it’s a sad sound. Do you think it’s sad, or is that just your programming telling you to believe it’s sad because that’s what a human would say?†Eden dropped her red eyes to her lap, her shrot brown hair falling around her face, “I’m not sure. I can’t tell the difference between my programming and what I think. It’s all the same to me now. Do you think I’d ever get to feel the rain?†The man ran a hand through his black hair and stood, “I don’t know for sure but I’d like to give that to you if I could. I wish you’d been born instead of created. Or at least created on the surface instead of down underground,†he slammed his fist down on the desk and her eyes flew to his face before dropping down to his hand, “You are…mad…because of me? I…I don’t understand.†He rushed over to her and cupped her face, “No, I’m not mad because of you. I’m mad because of those idiots and their, ‘we need to keep her secret until she’s ready’ bull. It’s not fair for a girl like you to be kept prisoner down here against her will!†Eden stood. Her lithe legs were long like the rest of her was well muscled and toned for battle with creatures that packed a lot of punch. “I don’t have a will. My will is your will. What my master desires so do I. That is how I was created. It’s a code written in my programming that tells me to do as the one who commands me wishes. If you do not want me to see the rain, then I do not want to see it.†His face pinched into a look of pure sorrow, “I’m sorry, Eden. I didn’t want you to turn out like this. Obeying your code is good and all but…I wish you could think on your own too.†Eden’s thoughts settled on that one wish her master wanted, “Think on my own…†she whispered to herself. “I wish…†he stood up as Eden started her own though, “I wish…I could…end the suffering of the ones who became DBW’s. I want to help them.†he suppressed the urge ot jump for joy, Eden had had her very first thought, “You can help them Eden! You can!†Eden stared up at her master, “How?†His face sobered, “Well, you’d have to kill them. The only way to ease suffering of that kind is to end what life we’ve given back to them.†Eden nodded slowly, letting her programming store his words into her databank as her primary mission. “Then…that is what I will do. To ease their suffering is to end their lives. Understood.†He sat down as she stalked out the door for the first time with full intent and knowledge of going to the surface and doing what she’d been created to do. “Uh…E-Eden…Eden! Eden!†Eden walked out to the lab and watched calmly as the soldiers she didn’t recognize hefted their weapons to their shoulders and took aim at her. A scientist reached out for the gun of the nearest soldier, “No, she’s one of us! Please!†The soldier smashed his face in with the butt of the rifle and re-aimed at her, “Look at her eyes! She’s not human! It’s another of those things! Quick, kill it before it can escape to the surface!†Eden had no clue what they meant by escape, she had full intent of leaving but if anyone was going to stop her…well, her programming calculated that no one would try to stop her. She was going to do her job. It was what they wanted. Bullets started flying past Eden’s face as she ducked quickly and flung out her leg in a sweeping motion to knock them off balance. As each soldier fell to the ground the scientists stared at her in awe, “Eden…? Where are you going?†Eden turned on her heel and waved goodbye to them, “My job.†It was all that was necessary to tell them. Her first impression of the SOL soldiers wasn’t a very good one so she made it her secondary objective to eliminate any and all SOL soldiers. Leaving the lab was harder than her programming had calculated. She had no map of the area and thus locating an exit was proving difficult. A nearby computer blinked on as her programming went wireless and activated a search for a map. Once she’d found the map, she scanned it and committed it to her databank. The nearest exit was on the top floor, where an elevator would take her up to the surface. “Hmm, seven floors to get through. All filled with security, SOL, and probably stray DBW’s that couldn’t get out.†Eden ran for the stairs, all quiet on this floor. Too bad the stairs weren’t connected to go all the way up to the top; she’d have to find the other stairs without setting off the alarms. Her programming added it up to the hard part to be…avoiding biohazards. Rounding the stairs, she spotted a group of SOL soldiers and slammed her back against the wall. Her breathing was elevated and only when her programming blinked that she would be out of their line of sight if she ran now did she run around the wall and slid behind a crate filled with something marked with a bold CAUTION sign. Eden waited until she figured the best time to glance around. Lifting her head above the box’s edge, four SOL soldiers caught the quick movement. “What was that?†“I don’t know. Check it out.†Eden silently scolded herself for being careless, pinpointed where they were by their voices and the sound of their boots on the metal floor coming closer to her from the northeast. Suddenly the footsteps stopped; it seemed illogical to Eden until she heard them speak again, “Whoa, trip wire. Wouldn’t want whatever this was connected too to fall on our heads.†“Heh, yeah, hey stand back, lets see what it is connected to.†Eden heard the trip wire’s *ping* and her programming quickly located the end of that wire. A crate located roughly above her head containing numerous toxic fluids. The result of this crashing on her head would end in numerous gashes in her skin as well as chemical burns and she would cease to exist. Death was almost a hundred percent if it fell on her. Eden didn’t want to risk dashing out of her cover and risk being seen but her odds against the soldiers were better than against something she couldn’t harm like the toxic. Quick as her body allowed, Eden dodged the falling crate and dived for the nearest wall to hide behind. Her bodysuit caught on a corner of a pipe and ripped. No matter how fast she ran now, the toxic in the crate would affect her through it’s fumes. Almost immediately she felt the fumes sear her skin where her suit had ripped open. Eden stifled a cry of pain, her red eyes watering, she ran for the stairs. Those two would die when they breathed it in. Although unscentable by normal humans, she wasn’t normal. Biogenetically enhanced she could scent the fumes until the stair door was safely shut behind her and she was halfway up the stairs. “Two floors down, five more to go.†Eden continued up the stairs and through the open door until she spotted four SOL soldiers rounding a corner coming toward her and a single guard of the Gaia labs turning another coming toward her too. “Odds are, someone won’t survive.†The Gaia guards were her protection; if the SOL soldiers fired in the small enclosure, a stray bullet would definitely hit him. The SOL soldiers spotted the guard and Eden bolted from the wall at them. “Hey!†the soldiers hefted their weapons to their shoulders and took aim at the guard as Eden slid under their line of sight and jumped up in front of them, “Salutations and farewell.†They hesitated as her red eyes glowed in front of their faces and she took advantage of their hesitation to snap their rifles from their hands and dismantle them. Even faster, her hands blocked their deft punches and slammed her fist into one’s nose. It cracked and broke off to the side under the force and she leaned sideways and kicked the other soldiers’ stomach, cracking two ribs and flinging him to the ground. With the soldiers dazed, bleeding and unconscious she ran back toward the Gaia guard, grabbed his sleeve and pulled him upward to the stairs. Gaia Laboratories - Floor Five Eden dragged the guard along until he panted and tripped. Setting him down carefully, she examined the hole in her bodysuit and the burn from the toxic fumes. The first and second layer of skin were gone; she was bleeding heavily, as noted by her scanners that the massive blood loss would slow her progress and if she didn’t get immediate medical help within the next four hours she would probably die. The guard caught his breath while she had stopped and gingerly touched her wound. “Hey, that looks pretty bad. Why don’t we get you back to the labs and they can fix you up.†Eden laughed sharply, “Don’t be illogical. I’ll be fine for the next four hours. It’s you I now have to worry about.†He gave her a stupefied look with his big blue eyes and she looked through her programming to explain to him, “I would have made it out of here without complications if you hadn’t been so illogical in your routes. Did you have to take this floor tonight? Couldn’t you have inquired about a day of relief?†He blinked stupidly at her and shook his head of brown hair slowly, “Complications? Illogical? Inquired, relief? You must be Eden, the girl who’s supposed to eliminate the DBW’s. I forgot you were still down here. I’ve heard about you,†he gave her a once over, taking in her tight bodysuit and the bloody burn in her side, “Um, aren’t you supposed to be…I don’t know…a little older?†It was Eden’s turn to blink dumbly at him, “Older? I’ve been here nineteen cycles. How long have you been here?†He shook his head, “Cycles? Wow, you really do speak differently than we do. I suppose the other rumors were true too, huh?†Eden stood and peaked out the stair door, “The third floor up. I’ve never seen this floor. Hmm,†she checked her map again, “The map is a little outdated. Doesn’t matter, I’ll have to make due.†The guard watched the girl’s red eyes glaze over and flick quickly around as if she were seeing something he couldn’t but when she spoke of a map, he unconsciously touched his PDA. “Um, when you say you’ll have to make due, you don’t mean that you’re going to leave me? I didn’t know the SOL soldiers would be here. Why are they here? It looks like they’re looking for something.†Eden focused back on him, tossing aside the map in her data bank, “Yes, they are under orders to eliminate any and all DBW’s before they get to the surface.†He moved up on the stairs next to her, “Isn’t that your job?†Eden took hold of a piece of his uniform and ripped it off, “Yes, but they thought I was a DBW when they saw me so I’m on their radar now. I’ll have to be even more careful than before; you stay here.†His eyes widened in the corner of her eye but she didn’t turn to look at him, “Someone will come for you, just stay here and I’ll go on as if I’d never met you.†He gripped her arm tightly as she tied the strip around her burn and around her waist, “You can’t leave me here! Eden, aren’t you supposed to protect others? C’mon, you can’t be that callous as to leave me here when the SOL is still here.†Eden didn’t know how to be callous, “Callous?†she said with bewilderment, “Who are you? Don’t you know anything about me? I thought all the scientists had informed the guards about me so I could safely move from area to area of the labs.†He turned a bright red, which continued to fascinate Eden. “Uh, n-no, I didn’t mean…I…†he stood straighter as she continued to stare at him with those blood red eyes, “Ahem, let me introduce myself. I am Captain Samuel Valentine of the E.D.D. We¾†Eden raised her hand and he cut off as she tapped her chin and her eyes had glazed over again, “Captain of the E.D.D. Samuel Valentine,†she pronounced his name with perfect clarity and enunciation that he felt embarrassed, “E.D.D. - Emergency Dispatch District. A division specializing in emergency recovering and aid. Combat skills are limited to only firearms. Physical capabilities…25% hand to hand combat…†She focused on him and frowned, “Close quarters like this do not help my decision in taking you along. You’d be virtually useless. You have been Captain for nearly three years; you are a well-seasoned soldier but I still do not require your type of services.†Sam ran his hand through his hair and shifted his rifle in the crook of his arm, “But I do have, what was it? 25% in hand to hand combat so I can be helpful, right?†Eden pinched the bridge of her nose, “I can’t say for sure but my best estimate is…no.†Sam shook off her rejection, “I’m coming whether you like it or not.†Eden could see an option of leaving him here so she nodded, “Just as long as you don’t get in my way. Let me handle all the fighting and any computer initiatives.†Sam nodded, glad to at least be going with her. Eden peeked out the door, seeing no SOL soldiers, she walked out into the open with Sam trailing behind her. He whispered, “How do you know which way to go?†Eden shrugged, “I don’t, not on this floor, otherwise my internal databank would have a map of the floor and I’d follow that.†He barely understood but nodded anyway, “Okay, so why do you want to leave?†She stopped walking and turned to glare at him, “My job. I’ve already told you this information. Anyways, I’m tired of being told what to do down here. It’s time I left.†Eden quickly ran with Sam following hard on her heels through the next few floors without being seen. Gaia Laboratories - Floor Two Eden stopped and signaled for Sam to halt with an upraised closed fist. He whispered into her ear, “What is it?†Eden motioned to the SOL soldiers, “SOL. They’ve been looking for me and now you. In order to make it to the last floor, we’ll need to get past them.†The stairs was behind the line of SOL soldiers. Eden tapped Sam’s shoulder to make him stay where he was and snuck around the boxes. Bracing herself she flipped over the boxes and landed behind the soldiers. These soldiers’ weapons were much more technical and complex. She hit one soldier’s rifle toward the roof and elbowed him in the stomach as she flung out her leg and struck another’s knees, forcing his legs out from underneath him. The other soldiers aimed their rifles at her and she propelled her body in a backwards flip over the soldier she’d elbowed. Sam hefted a sniper rifle he’d picked up and steadied it on the box, “Hold your breath,†he coached himself and took a shot. The long sniper bullet ripped through one soldier’s body, giving Eden time to roundhouse kick the elbowed soldier and dash at the remaining two. Boxing one’s ears, she stole his rifle and slammed the butt of it into the other soldier’s head, knocking him unconscious. Sam shot her a thumbs up and she blinked. Picking up his signs of encouragement was proving difficult for her. She retrieved her map and rotated through the next floor, the final floor. Sam came up next to her and reloaded his sniper rifle, “So, last floor huh?†Eden tilted her head to the side, “I don’t understand.†He scowled, his rifle was jammed, making it hard to reload quickly as she moved to open the door. Eden rested her hand on the door lightly, “It’s nothing but an empty area. Whatever’s waiting for us in there will probably be dangerous. You should stay here.†Sam shook his head, “No way. I’ve served as a captain in the guard and I will not run from a challenge. We’ll go together. Kay, Eden?†His smile was radiant but Eden wasn’t really paying attention. Her thermal scans showed a single life form in the next room. Gaia Laboratory: Floor One Eden pushed open the door with the rifle she’d taken from the soldier. Inside a man stood with his back to them. Sam looked around theroom while Eden watched the man carefully. Her red eyes examined him, her thermal visor told her the only heat on him was his right arm. He turned slowly, “Hello Eden…†Eden narrowed her eyes and Sam lifted his rifle, “Who are you?†He didn’t look at Sam. His bright blue eyes were riveted on Eden. Eden studied his appearance; he wore a brown cloak and leather gloves, dark black jeans and boots. His face was corpse white, blue lipped and pale blonde hair. Eden ran a personnel search. She smiled and half looked at him and half at his record, “Mr. Adam Johnson I presume. Figures. A DBW would try to buy his dead friends a little time to hide themselves before their killer came out to hunt them.†Adam smiled, “Well done Eden. You do know your stuff. So tell me…why of all days do you have to decide to do your job?†Eden looked at Sam, “Stand back.†Sam nodded and took five steps backwards. Eden stepped toward him, “I had an epiphany. My orders are simple and clear, directly from The Doctor himself.†Adam tilted his head, “Oh? And what might those orders be?†Eden set her rifle down on the floor, “That I think for myself."
Alright, I'll just come out and say it. I tried to kill myself yesterday. I didn't want to face yet another day being who I am. Truth be told, I'm sick of who I am, they way I act, the way I look, and there are other things but I'm not going to get into all that. @tummer -- sorry, I didn't want to bring it up, it'd just make you sad and I don't want that. You're a good friend. (even though I barely know you.) I'm not myself and I blame myself for that. I've tried way too hard to please other people that I'm sick of what it's made me into. I'm not a normal person. My friends secretly wish I was gone. (Don't lie to me, I know they do. I can see it on their faces) No one takes me seriously when i speak. I'm still practically invisible, no matter what I do. I've addressed people individually and in front of others and still they ignore me. Say their name: nothing. Wave my freaking hand in their face: nothing! It's like I'm a ghost, so I figure, why not just be one. Give everybody what they want and just go away. It's not like they'll miss me or notice I'm not there. People don't understand. There's this one kid in my American Gov't class who thinks it's appropriate to bother me about my assignments and test scores. When he does better than me, even though he cheats off of everyone around him, he throws it in my face and thinks that's okay to make me feel like crap. I'm tired of taking all this sh*t. Isn't it better if someone like me just goes away...? I think so.
How do you post an image link of like a character as a certain name?
At school there's this guy I really like. I've had a freaking crush on him for 4 years straight! It's so not fair that I like him so much. Fair's probably not the right way to say it. Whenever I tried to talk to him about it he'd brush me off and treat me like I don't exist for the next few days. Then he had his best friend tell me that he didn't like me that way. His best friend! It's like he can't say that to my face himself! That night I got this horrible pain in my heart like someone was ripping it out and currently I swear I can't feel a thing. it's litterally like being a Nobody. He told me he knew I liked him from the sixth grade. If he knew why didn't he tell me. I really would like to know how to understand what he feels or even (if possible) how to stop my feelings dead in their tracks before I damage myself further.
