I've been trying to handle my depression over the past few weeks. There are good days where I feel like I'm going to get better, but on most days, I just keep sliding into my depression. I've been taking my sleeping medicine, but now I feel like I need more of it because I don't like the way I am feeling now. This weekend hasn't been a very good weekend for me. I'm falling behind on my classes, which I had to start late anyway, my family and I just went through a move, and I've had nothing really to distract me. When u was taking a shower, it was the first time in about a week that I just broke down crying, Then, yesterday, I started to think about stopping taking my heart medication. It's the only thing that's keeping me alive and moving right now, and to tell you the truth, I have no motivation to wake up tomorrow and continue my life. The one thing I fought so hard for in my life was taken away, so I see no reason to be trying anymore. I figured if I stopped taking it, my heart will quickly start hardening again and it'll just stop beating. I don't know what to do; I'm just so tired of being depressed all the time. I've tried distracting myself from it, but it always finds a way to put a thought in my mind that brings me back to this feeling. There are people who have tried to help me, and I feel like I keep letting them down. There is just one person who could probably make sense to me, but they refuse to talk to me. I told my social worker about my depression when it started and she told me that I shouldn't numb myself, but now I think that's the only thing that's going to keep me from doing something stupid. If the choice is between feeling completely numb or being dead, I don't freaking care which one to chose. I just want these terrible thoughts and feelings to go away.
*hides behind stuffed Pikachu*
We think my defibulator went off. I felt a weird pain in my chest, but it was a very odd kind of pain. We're going to yet it checked out. I've been having low blood pressure lately, so it may have gone off because of that. I'm going to the ER and they can check me out there. i most likely won't be admitted, but i figure i should say something ahead of time.
AN: So, I was digging through some of my stuff and found an old book full of writings and such. Some were great, and some were meh... Anyway, I thought I'd share one with you guys. Reality My eyes are open. My body leads me out, though my mind doesn't know where. The decor of the house stuns me, but I chose to pass on. The door is open and nightfall looms. My body moves into the darkness awaiting the surprises. Anticipation looms my thoughts as constellations twinkle above. To proclaim my drawing fate my heart hopes they could. It is strange--this path of familiarity; my heart walks, but my body has never crossed this path. Finally, I see you twinkling at me. We spend that night, gazing at the stars. Time evaporates--the sound disappears and "us" is the only existence in that we know. I hold you--brush your hair-- your lips pressed against my cheek. The perfect memory of life... If only dreams were the same as reality (Dated October 12, 2011) C'n'c please.
Please, someone do it for me. I can't take it anymore.
Recently, I have been overcome with depression. I don't want to go into detail about it. I just have absolutely no motivation to do anything and I have a near complete lost of appetite. I had a doctor's appointment today, and he allowed me some sleeping medication. I think a lot before I sleep, especially now that i think more about killing myself and right now, I don't want to think at all. I get angry a lot, and I take it out on people who don't deserve it. I'm overwhelmed with depression and I just can't stop crying. The only thing I want right now is my normal life back. On top of that, my body is still recovering from my hospital stay and I'm on tons of meds already. I realize that in order for everything to go back to normal, I have to change. I am an insecure person. I don't like who I am, so I escape by trying to help others. My self esteem is low because I blame myself for everything. The way I see it, the only way I can have my normal life back is if I learn to become more secure, as well as emotionally independent. I wants to like myself and not rely on others. I just...don't know how to do it. All I know is that this is something that I need to fix and that I want everything back to normal. Does anyone have any advice?
Something terrible happens to me, similar to kicking a cripple down the stairs and lands on shards of glass. then, my family goes out to eat. and what song plays when i walk in? YOU RAISE ME UP! It only would havr been worse if it was the Lena Park version. Seriously, whoever is fucking with me better stop this fucking shit.
The good news is that we got things squared away with my insurance and I will be released from the hospital on a mirinome drip tomorrow. The bad news is that My doctor doesn't want me to be on large crowds, so I won't be able to go to comikaze this year, which was the only reason I was really excited t be released in the first place. ;__; Movie theaters are apparently okay though.
...do people keep calling me ma'am on the phone?! Is my voice really that feminine? ;__;
I leave for ten minutes to see if the hospital had any good movies and I come back to this? Explain!
I'm really hoping the doctors will finally dismiss me from the hospital sometime this week. They are allowing me to go home, but u will have the picc line in my arm, with it being connected to the mirinome drip. The drip is portable, and they say I can go anywhere with it. The only problem is that we are having problems with my insurance okaying the portable drip for me, which may take a few days, but the con is this weekend. I've been looking forward to this convention all year. Tara Strong (Lollipop Chainsaw), Quinton Flynn, Mark Hamill, that guy who voiced Mikimi in Death Note. I didn't think that I would be able to go in once I landed in the hospital, but now it looks like it may be a reality. And all of the panels just made me want to go there even more. Anyone from KHV going?
So, I decide to put on The Ring to watch. A few minutes pass and the day nurse and the night nurse come in brief each other as they switch shifts. I don't have the remote for their blu-ray player, so I just keep the movie going, they ask me what I'm watching, so I tell them, and they start screaming. The two of them had come in during the part where they show the content of the video tape, which causes them to hurry through th briefing and scream every time they looked at the screen. As soon as they finished, they hauled ass out of my room. It took all of my focus to keep a straight face.
Headed down the four-oh-five. Gotta meet the new boss by eight AM...
I recently came across this article on Cracked discussing certain behaviors of adults who grew up in dysfunctional families. While a lot of it I agreed with, the final two points, about people who are too hard on themselves and hyper-sensitive really struck home with me. http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-stupid-habits-you-develop-growing-up-in-broken-home/ (link to article for reference point) Recent events in my life have caused me to really want to change these two habits, but the problem is, I really don't know how. I know it's got a lot to do with how I look at myself, but I really don't know where to start. I just really want it to change before something really terrible happens. I just need some advice or maybe ideas...
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-stupid-habits-you-develop-growing-up-in-broken-home/ #2 and #1 specifically apply to me.
From the hospital! : D Because I honestly don't have anything better to do.
I'm still in the hospital and classes have already started. Because of how late I was admitted, I had to get rid of the classes I already signed up for, I was only able to get into one Internet class (it's also due to the fact that my school has a lot of budget cuts and cut a lot of classes). I'm pissed because I just want to be finished with college as soon as possible.
To those who don't know what I am referring to as the Big Three in anime/manga, it is Bleach, Naruto, and One Piece, all owned by Shonen Jump. They are probably the most well known names in the industry, and even non-fans know enough about each show. They have also spanned a number of years, lasting hundreds of chapters (Bleach being the youngest, and I believe, the shortest out of the three) I basically have two questions around the Big Three: 1. Why do you think these three have become so big in the industry. Does it have anything to do with the fact that they are all shonen manga? 2. If you are a fan of any of the three series, which is it and why? This is not a "which series is better" question, so please don't see this as a reason to attack a series you do not like.
Looks good.
