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I’ve been questioning myself as a person a lot recently.

I really shouldn’t be. I’ve been raised knowing I am female, and I am proud to be a female, but I’ve always been more of a tomboy anyway, and I usually wear men’s clothing or sweatpants, other than the times when I wear dresses because I like dresses. Really I’m just confused as to why I feel like less of a woman lately. I have the body of a woman, I like glitter and shiny things, but I look at myself and don’t see it. I just see me, a person. I don’t even see a particularly good or special person. I feel plain, and I don’t feel like myself either, I never have. I’ve always felt like I’m just fitting in for my parents’ and everyone else’s sake. I feel more comfortable wearing band shirts and jeans all day than anything, and I keep my hair short because it feels better, and I don’t particularly care about the way I look like I used to. I keep myself clean, I keep myself decent, so it shouldn’t matter, right?

I just sometimes wish my image lived up to my attitude, and on top of that, I wish I could know what’s right and what’s wrong when it comes to gender roles, because I feel like a male the majority of the time now, until I’m slapped in the face with a comment about my breasts, or weight from some *******. I just wish I could go to the mall or the store and be able to look through clothing that I want, and on top of that, be able to fit into it.

I need to lose weight first and foremost, and then I can go from there I guess. I just want to be able to look like the person I feel like I am, and not just walk around like I’m stuck in a really itchy suit. I feel weird for feeling this way, but I just want to be able to feel okay.

I feel like I make no sense, my thoughts are sprawled out into a hundred different things at once. Moreover the fact that I wish I were at a healthy weight so that I could wear clothes that feel comfortable without having to spend all kinds of extra money, and then I just want to feel right, because I don't. I don't feel like I'm the person that I am and it bothers me. My personality is fine, a bit strong at times, but fine. It's just that my body doesn't match my brain, and I feel so confused.

I'm actually embarrassed by all of this, that's why I want help from here because I don't know anyone I can talk to about this in person. I'm just confused, and I am a grown ass woman, I shouldn't be needing to ask for help about this, I should be able to keep it in my head and just do what I want, but I feel like I can't do what I want, like I'm being held back by something, and I don't know what. There are a lot of run-on sentences here, I'm sorry.