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And then, of course, it did.

Today Deathspank logged in and messaged me. One of the things he said (and I hope he doesn't mind me directly quoting him) was, "Can't believe you're still here after all these years." I stared at it for a few minutes, sitting in my car, checking my messages before I left school for the day. And all I could think was "yeah, but I probably won't be for much longer." It wasn't with sadness or anger or (too much) regret. And it wasn't a "wow, I can't wait to be rid of this place," either. I think it's something I've known for a while but haven't had it in me to commit to or admit. I'm caught between two feelings: first, that this is incredibly spontaneous. I didn't wake up this morning thinking I'd be doing this today, nor have I spent the last few days and weeks deeply pondering this move, drafting and revising this post. Yet, the thought has crossed my mind dozens of times recently, and sitting here and typing this feels like the final step to a journey I started over a year ago.

I love this site. I've grown up on and with this site. It's hard to think about what I or my life would be like without it because I spent my formative years here. The members of this site have been my friends and enemies and parents and partners for the last ten years. I've poured myself into so many projects and efforts through my time here as a staff member. ****, I almost bought the place. It hasn't always been a healthy relationship -- at times, I think I was too close to this site, too involved. I let it consume me. I didn't think about or do anything else and I hurt a lot of people here during those times. But I wouldn't trade these experiences for the world, and I don't know what I would be without this place. I joined as a mixed-up, unsure, insecure 11-year-old, who loved the Kingdom Hearts series and wanted to share that love with others. And I'm leaving, at 20, with a firm grasp on who I am and who I want to be.

It's just time. I mean that as in it's time for me, as everyone inevitably must, to go; I mean that as my reason for leaving, too. I just don't have the time. I'm a full-time student and will be for at least the next few years. I work part-time and I'm in a serious relationship. I have a rather large homework backlog, I'm a manager at my job and can't really take time off. I don't really even get to play video games much any more. Point being, I just don't have time to commit to this place any longer. But it's also "time" in the sense that I'm growing up. These aren't things that are going to change any time soon and, if given the opportunity, I'm not sure I would have them change. I'm happy with my life and where it's going, and I have to prioritize. I wish I could carve out time for this site because I truly do love it, I love the work I've done here, and I love spending time with you guys. But I don't want to be one of those people who sit in their staff positions without the time to commit to them, who just slowly stop logging in. I feel I have to come out and say -- for myself as much as for you guys -- that there are just other things in my life now that take precedent, other things I want to pursue. And it's time to finally make this decision.

On my drive home I thought about all the things I would want to say here but sitting here now typing this, I'm at a loss for words. But I'm thinking now that it's that there's not so much that needs to be said. My reasons for leaving are nothing mysterious or surprising; so many before have left for similar, if not identical, ones. And I don't feel I need to prove to you guys how much I love this place and how sad it is for me to let it go. I think you all know.

One thing I promised myself when driving was that I wouldn't do shoutouts. It's too cliche, I thought, and they feel too much like a goodbye, not to mention the guilt I'd feel when I (inevitably) leave important people out. But **** those reasons, I'm doing it anyway. Half of the people I'm listing here I doubt will ever read this, or read it in a timely manner. Some of them might not give a **** about what I have to say and I don't blame them, but here goes (in semi-alphabetical order).

@Calxiyn: It’s been so much fun doing the podcast with you the past year (or however long it’s been). Keep on posting those crazy KH theories, making videos, doing whatever, you’re such a sweet girl and you remind me every day of the love I had for the KH series.

@Chevalier: I hope you’re well. We were explosive and toxic together and we hurt each other a lot. But I wish you the best, and thank you for the good times.

@DPWolf: I’m sorry for all the **** that went down between us. I’m glad we’re on friendly terms nowadays, even if we don’t have much contact. Good luck with the wedding. I’m incredibly happy for you guys.

@Krowley: The two ways I’d describe you are open and easy to talk to, and those are probably the opposite impressions most people get from you. I’m not sure why, but you’re incredibly warm and a sweet guy and you’ve got great ideas and charisma. Keep doing those Xehanort impressions, and I look forward to you in the next Christmas video.

@Peace and War: I wasn’t ready but I wanted to try, for you. Ending things enabled us both to set off and I’m happy with where I’ve ended up. I hope you are too, and that you don't hate me too much.

@Plums: Alex, I love our casual antagonism. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing this without knowing that I’m leaving the site in the remarkably capable and responsible hands of you and Nick. Don’t hate me too much for not giving you warning.

@Roxas: Release some new music already.

@Sabby: I feel compelled to write something for you too here, but I think our last conversation on Skype cleared the air on so much that I’ve wanted to sort through with you for years.

@Sara: I can’t thank you enough. You’ve been like a mother to me all these years, guiding and protecting me. You got an unfair rap from some people all those years ago and I’ll fight anyone who tries to speak ill of you. Thank you.

@Scarred Nobody: It’s so important for me to list you here, even if we really never talked one on one that much. I remember the first posts you made on this site and watching you grow and change with me has been such an oddly meaningful experience for me. Hopefully I can donate some blood to you some day.

@libregkd: This isn’t goodbye or the end. I know it might feel that way, but I’m sure you suspected this was coming. I think I may have subconsciously been avoiding you these past few months because to you I’d have to admit how I was feeling and I wasn’t ready to do that. But I’m here for you, even if I’m not, well… on here all the time. Things don’t have to end and I’m not planning on letting them, as long as you’re not.


To the rest of you, there's plenty I'd like to say and I'm sure I will when y'all reply to this thread to tell me how distraught you are over me going. But overwhelmingly, it's thank you. Thank you for making the past ten years incredible and for supporting me and this site. And for listening to the podcast, too -- leaving that is probably one of the hardest parts of this. I've loved doing it and I'll miss it terribly. I hope you guys will have me on as a guest sometimes, so I can talk more about how much I hate Final Fantasy XV.

Thanks so much to the staff, too, both present and past. It's been a joy working with you all. I'll make arrangements to transfer all the accounts and everything over to you.

I will most definitely still be around here. Logging in here is like brushing your teeth, to me: you might miss a day or two sometimes, but most of the time it's just a habit you've come to accept as a part of your daily routine. But should you want to find me elsewhere, or get in touch with me, the best places are Twitter,my personal blog/website, hitting me up on Facebook messenger, or the other links in my signature. Since my time is so unreliable, email is actually a really nice medium for me

It's been a blast and I love you all.

It feels right.